Great Truths of the Stars
by Yarthayaj'knaushtavdhladleklwa
Summary: Based off John Hodgman's (of Daily Show Fame) bestseler The Areas of My Expertise. AN ALMANAC OF COMPLETE INTERSTELLAR KNOWLEDGE COMPILED WITH INSTRUCTIVE ANNOTATION AND ARRANGED IN USEFUL ORDER BY ME, YARTHA'YAJKNAUSH TAVDHLADLEKLWA, AKA YAR, A TAUTTIYI WRITER, OF THE GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS
1. Intro

AN ALMANAC OF COMPLETE INTERSTELLAR KNOWLEDGE COMPILED WITH INSTRUCTIVE ANNOTATION AND ARRANGED IN USEFUL ORDER BY ME,

**YARTHA'YAJKNAUSH TAVDHLADLEKLWA, AKA YAR**  
A TAUTTIYI WRITER, OF

**GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS**

WHICH INCLUDE: Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Tauttiyi Matters, Food, Drink & Sausage (a Kind of Food), Tokun & Pishti & Tid, Tendrill Styles, Utopia, What Will Happen in a Million Years, and Most Other Subjects

NOW WITH 100 NEW TAUTTIYI NAMES

AND FEATURING THE BEST OF "I BET YOU NEVER KNEW THIS!" YAR TAVDHLADLEKLWA'S LONG-RUNNING INTERNET NOVELTY ARTICLE OF STRANGE FACTS AND ODDITIES OF THE BIZARRE

"THE ALMANAC THAT CONTAINS NEW WEATHER INFORMATION AND, ONCE PLACED ON YOUR LAPTOP, WILL SECRETLY REPLACE ALL FILES"

* * *

THIS REASONABLY PRICED E-BOOK CONTAINS THE COMPLETE TEXT OF  
**GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS**

_NOT A SINGLE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED_.

If you purchased this e-book card without a casing, you should be aware that it was reported as "UNSOLD AND DESTROYED" to the Publisher and is stolen property.  
If you purchased this e-book cartd with a casing, you should know that this book was accidentally reported as "SOLD AND NOT DESTROYED" to the Publisher, and both the author and the publisher have recieved payment for it, It is unclear how this may have happened.  
But in either case:  
Under arrangement with the Publisher, purchasing this e-book frees you from the obligation to read it.

* * *

DEDICATED WITH ALL MY HEART TO MY _SOLIIDLAG_ (so-LEAD-log) (GIRLFRIEND), ELIZABETH "ELIZA" BECKHAM FLETCHER

* * *

_The Alchemists of Snan doth not look for truth or anything of the like; they only seeketh bewilderment_  
Liskimt the Serf's Journal, 766 BC edition

_T'wouldst take millions upon billions of years to write down all the vast reserves of knowledge ever amass'd. In a way, if one seeketh information of the past, or any fact ancient or current, one need only look upon the table of contents, or "Seek and ye shall find"._  
_Eons of Knowledge, 613 BC_

_The Honest Truth of all Matters is, I am of the utmost destitute, and my Wife, though she be Good, is, I saith to her, of the utmost pride; she cannot tolerate, she saith, to spend her waking hours whittling at her Shifts, while I only gaze at the Stars; and threatens often to destroy all my Books and Crap (as she calls my Instruments) if I doth not think of anything useful for them for my Family's sake. The Editor hath offer'd me some considerable share of the Profits, and thus I hath begun to please my Spouse._  
The Ogitamite Lunar Poultry and Nidra Inspector's Book of Facts and Lies, 556 BC

* * *

**_KHAVA TE'ISPI_**** (khah-VAH teh-EES-pee) (GOOD EVENING)**

My name is Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa (yahrr-THUH-yahj-K-nawsh tahv-TH-lahd-LEK-l-WA). I am a member of _Ornithopodes athigganovagu_s, or the Tauttiyi Species.  
As you may know, I am the son of the wealthy Tauttiyi chieftain G'da'ejük Tavdhladleklwa (g-DAH-eh-JIHK tahv-TH-lahd-LEK-lwa), who made his fortune trading raw materials. I am a member of the Tavdhladleklwa Clan of Tauttiyi, which is established on many Orionid worlds, Rahaaral's moons, and some locations on Earth. Ours is a commercial clan who enjoys doing business with other species, including Humanity. I am the PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR for the Tavdhladleklwa clan and philanthropist. I represent one of the finest Tauttiyi clans of our time, negotiating relations with other species as well as other Tauttiyi clans as well as translation rights to Tavdhladleklwa literature, screenrights, tendril bead fees, and bobblehead figurines. For this, I recieve a 15 percent commission, which is entirely standard, except for the bobblehead figurines, for which I recieve a 100 percent commission, because I carve the figurines myself, and my clansmen and clanswomen don't know they exist. This is also entirely standard and should not be questioned.  
But that's all in the past. As it is our common destiny to become that we most despise, so I have become that most wretched and loathsome monster, a WRITER.

Normally I write short articles for online magazines, which I find pleasing, as the process is usually over fairly quickly for both of us.  
But now I have gone and written a book. Believe me, this was the last thing I wanted to do and, I suspect, the last thing you wanted as well. But I think we both knew it was inevitable. Certainly my publisher, a Human of Gujarati Indic descent named Baljeet Tjinder, felt that it was, frequently pointing to my contract and its damned Inevitability Clause, which I should never have agreed to. But I did, and so here we are now.

I say "good evening," though of course I don't know what time it where you are. This is one of the defining sorrows of books and e-books, that we can't see each other. Of course it might've been different had Baljeet inserted the nanocamera I designed to fit snugly at the bottom of the card in order to spy on you. But this was determined to be "too expensive" and "too illegal," and so we are left once again to our imagination.

The image I conjure of you, my friend, begins with this book. For if you are reading these words, chances are you are probably reading this e-book, or one so similar to it that it doesn't matter. Furthermore, I may presume you're holding this e-book with your own hands, or possibly mechanical hands that replaced your own hands after a terrible accident or are a part of your cybernetic biology.  
If I'm right, I may move on to deduce that you're a man or a woman of indeterminate species. You are likely a person who has had some schooling-perhaps some training, for example, in _reading_. What's more, if you are reading this book, you are probably near some kind of light source. Unless this is the Braille or Pidum edition of this card, you have use of at least one of your eyes. But I suspect you probably wear glasses, for people who read one book often go on to read another one, and then more and more-each longer than the last, and printed in increasingly painful fonts, depending on the type of writing system.  
Finally, I may conclude that you are a curious person who thirts for the truth, for this is in fact an archive of the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS. Here you'll find the answers to all of the questions you've been asking.

For example, you ask, "What is the truth about the Loch Ness monster?"THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED.

You ask, "Who were the Yama Archdukes who had robotic arms?" THE ANSWER IS PROVIDED.  
"What was the menu at the first Piskalulod (similar to Thanksgiving)," you ask, "and did it include tid (an eellike creature)?"  
Technically, that is two questions, but do not apologize, for I shall answer them both...LATER.  
Like all, you wonder, "What will happen in a million years?"  
A SIMPLE CHART OF OMENS AND PORTENTS PROVIDES THE ANSWER, and I am the author of that chart.  
Of course, there have been books before this one dealing with monsters and tid and history and the future. I am indebted to the long history of the primer and the reader, the cyclopedia and the almanac.  
Since times immemorial, almanackers sought the future from the stars and from animal entrails, forecasting the weather, the tides, and the phases of the moon (or moons). This was valuable work, of course, though really only useful to farmers and sailors and spacers and werewolves and chambush.

It was The Rahaarite Martian Ausantinal Yela, the Rahaarite equivalent of Benjamin Franklin, who realized that the form could offer more than just questionable meteorology. And so his_ Liskimt the Serf's Journal_ provided as well poetry, brief essays, and all kinds of unasked-for advice about when to wake up in the morning and how to burn your own hand on an aluminum sheet and arm wraps. I confess I'm not a fan of his work, as Yela seems to have been pretty sloppy, speaking in cryptic riddles, and as you will note he used a pseudonym, so it is difficult to trust him.

But even so, _Liskimt the Serf_ was exceedingly popular, and so the way was paved for a whole new genre of inexpensive popular reference books (The _Rahaarite Journal_,_ Eons of Knowledge_, _The Ancient Chambush's Almanac and Cyclopedia_, to name a few) offering history and wisdom and guidance on diverse subjects well into the 6th century BC and into the present. It was not long ago that the average Rahaarite home kept only two books: an almanac and a Moskintal (a Kasu'emite religious book, similar to the Bible). Or else two almanacs (with one usually hidden in the wall to ward off ghosts). For they were an amazing innovation. At a time when most books were still intended only for scholars and aristocrats, often specially fashioned to be held by foppish, consumptive hands, here was a book for the average person. Here at last was a place where the typical, lonely, miserable Rahaarite could turn for the information he required on the lives of the premiers, the diseases of the onil (a horselike reptilian pack animal originally native to Mars, but introduced to many planets, including Byazar), the rules of polite correspondence, the time required to digest certain foods and, naturally, on Tauttiyi-all gathered together in brief, easy-to-read articles, all ingeniously arranged in no particular order whatsoever.

But as inspiring as these books were to me, I think you'll agree that mine's a new kind of e-almanac and handy desk reference. For none before it has condensed so much information into such a pleasant, compact, and easily concealed volume, and none has focused so single-mindedly on the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS, with such extensive illuminating commentary by me.  
On this point, I appreciate that it may be difficult to grasp how GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS may be contained within a single e-book card. Some skeptics have pointed out that most libraries, for example, are physically larger than this e-book (though not all) and thus must contain MORE GREAT TRUTHS. This seems logical, but I wish to point out...

_FIRST_, many libraries contain _several copies of the same book_, not to mention large areas of empty space called "reading rooms" where the children and the vagrants and the freelance magazine writers meet. This e-book is considerably more compact and contains no rooms for vagrants.

_SECOND_, many libraries contain not only books of knowledge and truth, but also a great number of novels. This is fine, but many novels, historically, are _longer than they need to be_ and contain long sections that convey nothing. Because e-books are assembled of equal-sized batches of folded pages called "signatures," there are often more pages than required by the words. Thence arose the practice of "padding" a novel, named for the eighteenth-century custom of physically upholstering the pages with velvet and horsehair in order to make a short book appear longer. This practice was discontinued when the vagrants found out about it, and it became common to open a novel and discover a vagrant sleeping inside it. Instead, modern novelists now extend their works by including unnecessary additional words to the manuscript, sometimes at random, but more commonly in the form of long descriptions of cities and eyebrows and feelings and the like.

_THIRD_, please note that when I say "vagrant," I'm not talking about the unfortunate homeless souls who don't choose that life, but those few _willful wanderers_ and _pirating profiteers_ who still believe that this is the Stekonic era. Beware them, for these neo-Tauttiyi pirate emulators are often worse than the actual Stekonic Tauttiyi pirates themselves.

_FOURTH, AND FINALLY_, the main advantage that this e-book has over libraries and Wikipedia combined, and indeed all of its almanackian predecessors, is that all of the historical oddities and amazing true facts contained within are _lies, made up by me_. And it is this astonishing innovation that allows each entity to contain many more truths than if it were merely factual.

If this last point seems confusing to you, consider the banal and truthful statement that follows:

"_Zaskyar Gihil was a Puliik composer in the Kajajihek style who wrote promarily for the Puliik Tyotou_ (a type of piano-like instrument)."  
I guess this is sort of interesting, as most facts are. But history has shown us again and again that facts aren't what most sentient beings believe. They're not that which moves most people to love or hate or joy or crime.

Now COMPARE this statement:

"_Zaskyar Gihil was a Puliik composer in the Kajajihek style who was obsessed with insects, often letting dozens of them gallop over his neck, arms, and long, tapering insectoid fingers while playing the Tyotou_."  
Obviously the lie is so much more compelling. It shocks the mind and plays on the reader's imagination with insect-covered hands. New resonances emerge, and new melodies of insight, not just into the nature of Gihil, but also the art of composing, the history of insects as a good-luck charm, and entophilia. It also finally explains how Gihil solved his terrible aphid problem.

Truth may be stranger than fiction, goes the old saying, but it's never as strange as lies (Or, for that matter, as true.) Proof of which maxim is the fact that I just made it up.  
Now I sense that you have further questions. Such as "Would the hidden-camera system you proposed for this e-book card have allowed me to see you, as well?" Obviously no. That would be offensive. But I admire suspicion, and you are reasonable to ponder who's this Yartha'yajknaush Tadhladlelkwa ET and how did he come to know so many invented facts?

As I type this, I'm currently sitting on a very uncomfortable chair in my _nihakh_ (knee-HAHKH), a traditional Tauttiyi tent-house on the South End of Danville, along with the rest of my clan mates, surrounded by books, knives, firearms and cats. Mine is the typical life of the Tauttiyi scribe: one of quiet contemplation and knowledge-gathering and the cashing of enormous checks. But I wish you to know that even though I have surrounded myself with books and draw from them the great consolation of literature (as well as protection from smaller-caliber cartridges and/or bullets), I have not failed to live.

I've been a stocker, a house-washer, a radio disc-jockey, a sausagemonger, and a bounty hunter. I once was able to play the _minimeyash_ (me-knee-meh-yahsh), a Tauttiyi musical instrument similar to a zither, but has keys like a piano, and I was also a didgeridooist (though the preferred term is "bellower"). I've traveled to at least seven countries and several worlds. These include England, where one of my cousins and my Human girlfriend hail from, and Byazar where, on a charge of "propping the gate open" (police code for nighttime drunken aquarium-invasion), I spent a night in an Akkümei jail, which my captors insisted on spelling "K-O-V-A-N-E" (_kovane_, a misspelling of _kob'ane_, the Martian word for "goal", a term used when a player achieves a goal in Boklaj, a game similar to soccer, only hands are used).

Being the Tavdhladleklwa's PR manager offers me insight into the world of cross-cultural exchanges, which I share at length in this work. Ant later still, as I have plied my modest trade as a scribe, so have I become s well an expert in pishti dumplings, the economy of malls, rural Lhumlal-jar, wing-tip sandals, the history of comic books, the legality of sword canes, "mom jeans," and most other subjects, including the subject of the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS.

This is the gift I want to share with you, my friend-the one I hardly deserve myself. And by avoiding things like "plots" and "themes" and "complete sentences," I hope to repay your time with a very useful book that you will turn to many times in your life, I hope buying a new copy each time.

But if I guess correctly, you're not the sort of person who's obsessed with writting annoying little letters and e-mails, and for this, I congratulate you. If I'm not wrong, you're a smart, open-minded person who probably doesn't have mechanical hands. As you use your normal, organic, nonmechanical hands to thumb through the pages of this e-book, I'm guessing you'll gradually come to a better understanding of the universe we share-perhaps not the universe exactly as it is today, but as it might become someday, if I have my way. And if I'm not wrong, you may now look out the window and see that it's evening. And so to you I can only say _Nardzanai, zlihimemnii, sli khava te'ispi_. (Nahrr-dzahn-eye, z-LEE-hee-mem-knee, slee KHAH-vah teh-EES-pee) (Thank you, welcome, and good evening).  
That is all

* * *

**SOME NOTES**  
I wish to reassure the modern reader that this e-book meets your requirements. It's composed of 55 discrete articles, tables, and figures, and, like almanacs and experimental Kajaj Leladic novels of old, you're encouraged to read them in any order, skipping them as you please, and following narrative threads of your own weaving. The footnotes will only point out the most obvious thematic echoes and authorial redundacies.  
That said, all efort has also been made to provide a satisfying experience to the old-fashioned reader who chooses to read from start to finish. For example, the pages have been ingeniously numbered in the order in which they appear. _Khavaluihi_ (khah-VAH-looey-Hee) (Good luck), my friend. I hope you enjoy yourself.

**SOME NOTES ON SPORTS**  
Please note that there are only two references to sports in this e-book. Both are appropriately dismissive. If you wish for sports information, please look elsewhere.

* * *

Next Chapter: What Will Happen in a Million Years

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	2. What Will Happen in a Million Years

**WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN A MILLION YEARS**

* * *

**OMENS AND PORTENTS FOR THE COMING YEAR**

Traditional almanacs regularly included information about what to expect in the coming year with regard to crop yields, tidal patterns, moonrises, and so on. However, they were hardly scientific, relying heavily on astrology and various ancient methods of "scrying," such as stone looking, twig reading, canid consultation, and guessing.  
But modern times require modern methods, and also more general predictions for those who are not necessarily farmers or spacers (Actually, some deference is still made here to spacers. Those sweaty fellows may read on to "Special Long-Term Predictions for Spacers, if they are indeed capable of reading at all) or werewolves and/or chambush. Thus, the accompanying OMENS V. PORTENTS table, of the kind currently in use by most prophets (For more information on prophets, their customs, and their tattoos, please see "On Prophets and Their Tattoos").  
(_Kasu'emite Prophet, Circa 510 BC: art/Kasu-emite-Prophet-Circa-510-BC-380140746?ga_s ubmit_new=10%253A1372016596_)  
As these scientific soothsayers know, the signature of the future is written on the here and now. Thanks to careful observation and experimentation we now know for example that a rise in uranium prices occuring in the same year as the birth of an albino sturmbeest (similar to a buffalo, the sturmbeest is (C) James Cameron) will cause us to inevitably embrace polygamy and the open use of jet packs.  
Here with some more commonly observed predictors that, when correlated, produce some of the more startling predictions for the coming year.

**OMENS V. PORTENTS**  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-Yuho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-So-called 'altruism will be abandoned in favor of a new policy of enlightened self-interest and orgies_  
_A broken gravestone-Yoho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-All sentients will speak a common consonantless language called "oieou"_  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-Yuho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-Most white-collar workers will paraglide to work_  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-Yuho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-An extragalactic consciousness will offer the Milky Way a "miracle drug" via e-mail_  
_Someone speaking in an obviously affected accent-Yuho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-Everyone will wear very tight, clingy jeans._  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-Yuho'ehoil the leviathan rising from the deep to fill the skies with poison-Matashi**_  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-A lizard consorts with a frog-Sentient beings will learn to communicate with sausage._  
_A broken gravestone-A lizard consorts with a frog-Sentients born with prehensile tails will no longer be immediately drafted into the secret army but allowed to live a normal life; they will, however, be declawed._  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-A lizard consorts with a frog-In-brain television becomes a reality._  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-A lizard consorts with a frog-Fully carpeted space liners take tourists to the resort stars_  
_Someone speaking in an obviously affected accent-A lizard consorts with a frog-Matashi**_  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-A lizard consorts with a frog-Solar flares will cause a dimensional shift such that all sentient beings will dress and talk like gangsters from Mijravenga circa 569 BC._  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Perpetual night will cause an increase in sale of enormous fur coats._  
_A broken gravestone-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Food pellets will cause the growth of gigantic vagrant workers who will be used to pluck up forests at the food pellet factory._  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Star people attacks on the transgalaxic, subexpanse rout will increase_  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Matashi**_  
_Someone speaking in an obviously affected accent-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Cancer will be cured using a combination of traditional herbs and innovative new poultices._  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-A sand dollar arrives in the mail with no return address-Dinosaurs will return from space on their giant ship with a message for the mammals._  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi _karsililnaang_ given as change on Earth-Most housework will be performed by a combination by a combination of microscopic robots and astral projection._  
_A broken gravestone-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi karsililnaang given as change on Earth-Electric scooters will replace congressmen_  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi _karsililnaang_ given as change on Earth-Matashi**_  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi _karsililnaang_ given as change on Earth-Everyone will have a cotton candy machine installed in his or her car_  
_Someone speaking in an obviously affected accent-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi _karsililnaang_ given as change on Earth-Wearable computers will be commonplace and will feature sporty epaulets._  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-Ókólamite coin chains and/or Tauttiyi _karsililnaang_ given as change on Earth-Every Rahaarite city will be covered in sparkly dust that shall make it seem like a dream._  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-A bird that sings like a person-Sentience will be united in worshipping a single sentient planet named Tilan._  
_A broken gravestone-A bird that sings like a person-Matashi**_  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-A bird that sings like a person-Most Rahaarites will get their news from an interconnected text service. "Texloggers" call your house several times a day giving you their take on interstellar events._  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-A bird that sings like a person-Grapes will be delicious and not disgusting._  
_Someone speaking in an affected accent-A bird that sings like a person-All homes will be conected by pneumatic tubes filled with spiders._  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-A bird that sings like a person-Dentists will be mobilized to deal with the problem of fangs._  
_A hairy worm crossing the road-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-Matashi**_  
_A broken gravestone-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-Only three "trade" empires will continue to exist, each owned by a brand of energy drink._  
_An obese boy eating corn on the cob-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-Genetically advanced dolphin clones will be trained to communicate with noncorporeal beings._  
_A car that keeps going even after the needle has long passed "Empty"-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-Roving beer gangs will ravage Rahaarite or American cities in search of booze._  
_Someone speaking in an obviously affected accent-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-Dozens of 550s BC era warships that were "timeshifted" in secret goverment experiments appear in a human child's balloon._  
_Death of the Shuvakhite god Lehwakh-A picture of a phoenix (or actual phoenix)-A pirate fashion craze will inspire thousands of human teenagers to cut off their own legs and replace them with wooden pegs._

* * *

(_An Ominous Portent: dnet/media/2007/1/20/211201_5c0a78b9-4016-4d60-861 5-b027a7e2c584_ _)

Omens and Portents must be observed in the same three-year period. If a sword or picture of a sword is observed from the same day, the omen and/or portent must be discarded from consideration. If you a spacer or spaceman, please see "Special Long-Term Predictions for Spacers".  
**This is a prophetic term that should not be confused with the more popularly understood definition from Shuvakhite mythology. In those epic sagas, "Matashi" referred to the predestined end of time, in which the gods known as the Re'em will meet the legions of evil led by Eskebdi, the trickster god, on the battlefield of Vasmakh-a doomed confrontation in which nearly all participants will perish and the universe itself will be consumed in fire. Among professional prophets, however (at least those who aren't Shuvakhites), "Matashi" refers to the same event, but it's not believed that Dyazh will join the battle with his army of fire beasts, and most of the Re'em will die instead from lifestyle-related causes long after the battle itself, including smoking, kandër(snuff)-taking, and mead addiction. In both

* * *

**SPECIAL LONG-TERM PREDICTIONS FOR SPACERS**  
(_Playthings of the Sun People: art/Rahaarite-Spacers-380144179?ga_submit_new=10%253A1372017450_)  
**24 hours**  
_When the morning is dark, spacers stay put. When the night is dark, spacers are fortunate_  
**7 days**  
_When the morning is dark, spacers start to feel like they can do nothing right. When the night is dark, spacers dance a happy jig._  
**1 Year**  
_When the morning is dark, spacers mistreat their wives, believing they don't deserve love. When the night is dark, Spacer's dancing becomes prideful and reckless._  
**25 Years**  
_When the morning is dark, spacers fear the stars, loath the darkness, and frequently call the comets an ass. When the night is dark, Spacers accidentaly turn off airlock and are rescured by strange red-skinned beings with long tapering arms._  
**50 Years**  
_When the morning is dark, Spacers self-destruct their ship and wait to be engulfed in the explosion, briefly glimpsing a luminous solar city before they lose consciousness. When the night is dark, spacers can breathe and survive on the star, but are kept by the Sun People as playthings in their city of promenances and plumes._  
**75 Years**  
_When the morning is dark, Spacers' bones are used as flutes by the pitiless Sun People. When the night is dark, Spacers cursed by Sun People magic to immortality pray for death in solar zoo._  
**100 Years**  
_When the morning is dark, Matashi**. When the night is dark, Matashi_**  
_

ALTERNATE METHOD FOR PREDICTING THE FUTURE

On a clean square sheet of paper, neatly write...  
Your favorite color  
Your favorite appetizer  
Your favorite beverage  
The name of the last person to cut your hair or tendrills  
The name of the street you grew up on  
The name of your pet  
Your porn name  
Your favorite method of telling the future

Assign each letter a number value based on its position in the alphabet (i.e., A=1, M=13, AA=27, etc.) Add the number values of the first letter and last letter of each item on the list. Write that number down at the bottom of the sheet.  
Fold the sheet of paper in half, corner to corner, to form two triagles. Unfold it, and then fold it again, this time joining the opposite corners. Now fold it into a paper balloon in the traditional manner.  
If you've done it correctly, there should be a little opening at the top of the balloon. Whisper a secret into this hole. Then light a match and drop it into the balloon, covering the top with your thumb (if you have thumbs, if not, you can use your other appendages) such that the fire consumes all the air in the balloon along with your secret and then goes out.  
Then set the balloon on fire in the traditional manner and collect the ashes. Carefully put the ashes into an envelope, add a self-addressed stamped envelope, seal it, and mail it "first class" to the following address:

P.O. BOX _  
Sakhlan La. Rekyeti Post Office 552  
Sanama, Sana 444220

In which _ is the number you tabulated on your sheet of paper before you burned it.  
In 3-7 weeks, you'll recieve a letter bearing the name of the person you're gonna marry.  
(Hint: It's not Tad)  
(Note: If you don't remember the number you tabulated on your sheet of paper before you burned it, you'll never marry.)  
(Note: If you recieve no reply, DON'T go to the post office and stake out the P.O. boxes, for this is not a mystery you can solve, and also you'll eventually be arrested.)

**ON PROPHETS AND THEIR TATTOOS**

Some summers ago, I had lunch with one of my cousins, Falbe Tavdhladleklwa-Se'Jhahal, in her hometown of Nohidi, on the Rahaarite moon of Kandriwi. As she showed me around, the Dry Season sun got high and hot, and so we took shelter in Falebaz's Hut, a dark cavern of a steakhouse in the center of the old stockyards. It wasso powerfully air-conditioned inside that the generously padded, fake leather swivel chairs felt like they'd spent the night in the refrigerator, and we sat there, sunblind, awaiting our laz sticks (like onion rings, only sour).  
It was quite. The only other party sat at a large, round table nearby: eight men (one Avder, one Dlekite, one Lolir, one Nitarikit, one Ilkaamite Gwayedite, one Vrăten (a subspecies of Shuvakhite), a Martian, and a Chitikh), the youngest, the Dlekite, perhaps thirty-nine, the oldest, the Nitarikit, in his eighties, all pleased and prosperous-seeming, all eating the prime-rib special, one sprinkling salt on top of it, They'd draped their coats over their chairs, and they wore sleeveless shirts. This allowed me to observe that they all, in fact, had tattoos, each about the same size, on the inside of their forearms.  
"Those guys are prophets, not the San'Shyuum type of Prophet from the Covenant, but Kasu'emite prophets," explained Falbe when I directed her attention to this odd coincidence.  
The city, as you may or may not know, was named for the Nohidi species, which resembles a cross between a giraffe and a chameleon, whose leader Tash Ha'hai (The Nitarikit translation of his name, meaning "Big Ha'hai", the Ha'hai, of course, being an elklike herd animal endemic to Kandriwi.) once said, "Death will come to you, always unexpected." Nohidi is a meat town and a Tamman Geshel town (if you wish to find his modest home in Lalkësh Qiräzh Dunes, just stand on any street corner, put a coin on its side, and it'll roll there). And Nohidi is an insurance town, drawing prophets from all over the local arm to read mortality tables and stochastic models and divine from them the hard fortunes of our lives and the seasons of our deaths.  
The prophets, said my cousin, aren't trained within a company bur are hired from one of several interstellar guilds. And a large insurance company will often hire several prophets from different guilds to perform the same function, as each guild has its own method and outlook. Some are more optimistic, whereas others are notoriously grim (one rogue guild, the Prophetic Society of Kajajekh-jar, routinely claims that any child of any species who lives to the age of sixteen without becoming a chambush is an unaccountable anomaly). And each guild has its own tattoo.  
Here are those tattoos I observed that afternoon at Falebaz's:

The Avder  
-A crystal: Trauma Prophetic Brotherhood, est. 582 BC, Vidamadzu, Shehul, headquarters.  
The Dlekite  
-An empty glass: The Society of Prophets, est. 550 BC, Toyaggavd, Kankwar, headquarters  
The Lolir  
-A Longoceran's entrails: Interstellar Prophetic Brotherhood, est. 604 BC, Yatik, Ider, headquarters  
The Vrăten  
-A Shuvakhite hanging by his intestines: Vrăten Guild of Prophets, est. 598 BC, Poblakaz, Vrătna, headwuarters  
The Chitikh  
-A dragon eating its own wings at a predictable rate: Faculty and Association of Prophets, est. 651 BC, Ülaajth and Akkümei, dual headwuarters  
The Nitarikit  
-The prophetic notation ga₂, meaning the number of people alive at age _: Rahaarite Academy of Prophets, est. 534 BC, Shovashme, Lasa, headquarters.  
The Gwayedite  
-A complete but very small Tima table: Royal Society of Ilkaamite Prophets, est. 604 BC, headquarters  
The Martian  
-A child Chambush: The Prophetic Brotherhood of Kajajekh-jar, est. 526 BC, Snayulorib, Snayulam-jar, headquarters (no actual connection to Kajajekh-jar. I found out all these details later from a prophetic website, as well as the intersting fact that novelty shops sometimes sell wooden or plastic tiles with these images printed on them. You cast them in the air and by their arrangement as they fall, you can read your fate, or so claims the packaging. Professional prophets, however, frown on the practice, even when it proves accurate.)

The men at the table near me were all from different guilds, but they were perfectly collegial, taking in the warm and hearty tones of satisfied men who share a respected profession that also connects them to a kind of elite interstellar fraternity.  
"Nobody really cares about these bastards," Falbe now said softly, with a kind of sadness. "Just ordinary Rahaarites sitting around predicting the future."  
Our luch arrived, and we ate. I don't mind saying: the laz sticks were amazing. But then a surprising thing happened. The other table grew quiet. One by one, each prophet raised his glass of soda to one of their fellows, the beaded-tendrilled, sharp-beaked Vrăten in his fifties-the one with the Shuvakhite hanging by his intestines tattoo. Each man silently drained his glass, replacing it on the table upside down. Then, one by one, they left the table, leaving the Vrăten alone.  
There are some things that are forbidden among all the prophetic guilds, I later learned, though they are difficult to resist. The beaded Vrăten had predicted the exact date and time of his own death, a power that each prophet possesses but is encouraged not to use, for it tends to color all his future analysis darkly. The ritual we observed was, in effect, his excommuication from the company of the prophets of Nohidi. If he were lucky, I learned, me might start over again elsewhere, perhaps in Renyeg, on the moon of Tadikashdab. But he would be, as you might imagine, forever haunted by what he'd learned.  
"You see, Yar," Falbe said, "people should know about this shit! As Tash Ha'hai said, 'Bad luck needs no specific conditions to thrive-It can live everywhere.'"

Which, of course, is why Tash Ha'hai is called "The First Prophet."

My cousin Falbe no longer lives on Kandriwi, and neither does the beaked Vrăten. I like to imagine that these two outcasts' lives may intertwine again someday, but chances of this, I know, are slim.

* * *

Next Chapter: Information You'll Find Useful in the Present Part 1: How to write a book: The Fifty-Five Dramatic Situations, A Clarification Regarding the Dramatic Situations in Which Sentients Fight Animals, More Matters Literary: The Six Essentials, When Writing, Please Avoid These Failed Palindromes, I Bet You Never Knew This, Where to Sell Your Short Stories, Idiosyncrasies of the Great Detectives, Two Libraries That Are Smaller Than This E-Book, and Handy Measurements of Time When You Don't Have a Watch.

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	3. Information For the Present Part 1

**INFORMATION YOU'LL FIND USEFUL IN THE PRESENT**

* * *

**HOW TO WRITE A BOOK: THE FIFTY-FIVE DRAMATIC SITUATIONS**

Here's something true that I've long observed regarding people who've written books: their clothes fit well. They seem relaxed and happy, as if they're thinking, Well, at least I got that done. At least I wrote a book. They're not anxiety-ridden, badly tailored nervous wrecks like me, for example, of all of you. That's why so many people wanna write books, and when I finish writing this book, perhaps my clothes'll fit better too.  
And so you may be wondering, "Apart from an almanac of the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS, which I recognize as being your original idea and an enforceable copyright, what is the best kind of book to write?"  
I've been asked this many times as my clan's PR director. The answer is obvious: The most marketable kind of book to write is one in which ninjas fight pirates. But the best kind of book is one in which the ninjas fight large wearther systems and perfect storms.  
Of course, that answer isn't correct in today's publishing environment, as neither sort of those examples includes an interstellar conspiracy overseen by an eons-old religious secret society while my initial response dates me reletlessly, literature-bless it-ever grows and matures.  
But though the particulars may change, I think it's certainly safe to say that throughout history all effective stories are based in some sort of conflict.  
And most critics agree that in literature, there are five primal conflicts. These are:

-Sentient vs. Sentient  
-Sentient vs. Nature  
-Sentient vs. Society  
-Sentient vs. Himself  
-Sentient vs. Cyborgs

If you imagine a story, any story, I trust you'll find that it'll fit neatly into one of these rubrics. But don't panic. You should feel no need to actually imagine a story. History's already done the work for you, as this table of dramatic situations, organized by tipe of conflict, shall provide.

(Typical Cyborg Mischief: assets/news_images/11938_1328538704_1328538655_bat tleship_ )

* * *

**THE FIFTY-FIVE DRAMATIC SITUATIONS**

**MALE/FEMALE VS. MALE/FEMALE**  
Boy vs. Girl  
Cop  
Magicians vs. Detectives  
Teacher vs. Unruly class, both learn leasson  
Persuit throughout life by a Yishaan constable whose determination exceeds his reason.  
Country Mouse vs. City Mouse.  
Itomna Worshippers vs. Satan Worshippers  
Rivals in business become parters in bed  
Former lovers who are archaeologists seek same ancient curio  
Evil cousins thwart romance  
Professional debunker vs. Popular spoonbending psychic

**MALE/FEMALE VS. NATURE**  
Mountains thwart Progress  
Zoo animals atack zookeepers  
All animals attack all sentient beings  
Hunted by tornadoes  
Volcanoes come to town  
One partially blinded by thanator seeks revenge  
Wilderness becomes crucible in which asthmatic learns to grow a beard  
The ocean arrives to put an end to well-laid plans  
Petty jealousy inspires timeless pursuit of whale  
Saint Bernards come first as rescuers, then reveal themselves as enemies  
Snakes lie in wait

**MALE/FEMALE VS. SOCIETY**  
A stranger comes to town  
A town springs up magically around a stranger  
Society persecutes inventor of revolutionary fabric or vehicle  
Self-satisfied loner flouts irrational laws, reveals absurdlity of society, congratulates himself  
Hero is chased by people bearing torches  
Person living in two-dimensional world encourages embrace of third dimension and is shunned  
Coscience prevents acceptance of Soylent Green  
True talent overlooked in favor of kiss-asses  
New numbering system for clones proves problematic for non-clones  
Shark loves Jet (also can be Sentient vs. Nature or Nature vs. Technology)  
Child raised by Saint Bernard assassins seeks acceptance and forgiveness of human society

**MALE/FEMALE VS. HIM/HERSELF**  
Triumph over ennui  
Success thwarted by phobia  
Hero must choose between excellent sexual partner and stable companion  
Past life reasserts itself  
Hero wonders if closest friend is actually his archenemy, then lives in fear  
A horrible physical deformity is overcome, only to be revealed that it's all in the protagonist's imagination  
One partially blinded by thanator overcomes need for revenge  
Struggle to overcome the effects of brainwashing/hypnosis  
Everything turns out to be a dream  
Body part is severed, gains mind of its own: Watch your ass  
Hero in coma seeks to solve his own murder, discovers culprit is himself

**MALE/FEMALE VS. CYBORGS**  
Threat of cyborgs from the future  
Threat of present-day cyborgs  
Return of American CIvil War-Era cyborgs that are powered by steam  
Cyborg fight the man within  
Man seeks control of his own cybernetic brain  
Only the hero can see the cyborgs who secretly run Earth's government and media  
Family pet discovered to be cyborg  
Young, handsome cyborg army officer kills his own family, blames hippies (No offense, Jenny)  
Man creates cyborg who wishes to be a real boy  
Cyborg servants turn on master  
Cyborgs seek fortune on Broadway, settle for bartending gig, and learn much about human life

* * *

**A CLARIFICATION REGARDING THE DRAMATIC SITUATION IN WHICH SENTIENTS FIGHT ANIMALS**

I wish to clarify here that I'm not against the animals. I have two piranhas and a viperwolf, and they're very amusing. I have a particular fondness for those cynodonts called the monotremes (here's to you, Perry the Platypus)-The duckbilled platypus, the Echidna, and their brethren-because they have beaks instead of teeth, and no external ears, and milk glands without nipples, and yet you've gotta admit that takes balls. Generally speaking, I think it's fair to say that I'm a friend to the creatures of Earth and other planets when I'm not busy eating and/or wearing them.  
But recently I found myself once again at 3:35 in the AM (Earth's Eastern Standard Time) cleaning up my Viperwolf's crap, moving swiftly of course, so he wouldn't swoop in and eat it. And at that moment, I confess I felt in my hearts (my species has three hearts) a certain measure of ambivalence about this relationship.  
This feeling came up again when I was talking with my human girlfriend's cousin Ferb about the monkeys that help people in wheelchairs by answering their phones and brushing their teeth and writing all their thank-you notes. This is, on its face, a noble thing to do. But I wondered: why're they only helping people in wheelchairs?  
At best, the monkeys are being stingy. But at worst, they may have a more nefarious plan in mind. Perhaps they're choosing the weakest members of the Human herd on purpose. We all know from the ancient movie _Monkey Shines_ that your average capuchin's but a single super-brain injection away from turning into a razor-wielding killing machine. Just as we all know from _The Birds_ that the mere sight of Tippi Hedren in boat, bringing all her big-city sexiness to chaste Bodega Bay, will drive all the birds in northern California (what else but) apeshit crazy.  
The person who wants to make a million dollars/lyosolëra, I've long maintained, could of course do so very easly by crafting a script or a novel based on this elemental premise: ALL ANIMALS VS. ALL SENTIENTS. I trust you feel the immediate, primal clutch of this concept on your heart/hearts, and I can promise you that the duckbilled platypus scene alone'll be worth the price of admission.

* * *

**MORE MATTERS LITERARY: THE SIX ESSENTIALS**

Even once you have chosen a Dramatic Situation, however, writing a book can still be a pain in the khahaya (Tauttiyi for "ass"). According ot my own observation, every writer must have six essentials at his/her command. Some are born with them. Others must develop them over many years, or hire a professional to provide them (This is most common for "empathy" and it's not unusual for even the finest novelists to hire a ghost empathizer for their third or fourth book). They are...

1. Empathy  
2. The willingness to endure solitude  
3. The belief that the Local Arm gives a fuck about what you have to say  
4. The ability to describe facial hair/tendrills accurately (Can You Describe Capt. Malkod-Uredh's Facial Tendrills? art/Captain-Malkod-Uredh-381691305?ga_submit_new=10%253A1372547093)  
5. A large desk in a quiet room of your own in which to chase your demons (preferably a circular room, so that the demons have nowhere to hide)  
6. Special stationery whith pictures of typewriters and/or quills on tip

* * *

**WHEN WRITING, PLEASE AVOID THESE FAILED PALINDROMES**

Drab Scam: Mad Crabs  
Drat that Tard  
Two Owls Hoot Who Owls Hoot Too (Owt)  
Sour candy and Dan C. Roused  
Desire Still Lisps: Arise! D  
A man, a plan, a kind of man-made river, planned.  
Tauttiyi! It!  
Eh, S'occurs to me to Succor She  
Tow a What? Thaw!  
(Mad Crabs: . )

* * *

**BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS**

This is the first of several examples from my online column of the same name that runs every Sunday, right under _Mister Rick's Plans_, in the _Danville Chronicle_. The original columns contained wounderful illustrations by Carl "Zippy" Cohen, whom you may recall as the creator of Cooper and Jack. But as I don't control the rights to Zippy's spot drawings (And most of the time they're just pictures of men with long arms anyway and have nothing to do with the subject at hand), I don't include them here.

Malkod-Bishul wrote, "It be the highest of status to sit in a hot bathtub and read about birds."  
I'm sure you're glad to know Malkod-Bishul's bathing habits. But I bet you didn't know that...  
-Robert Frost bathed by rolling around in the Vermnt dust once a year  
-The Rahaarite Lolir Jhorok Neshav showered in beer  
-Homer allowed others to bathe him, but because he was blind, he couldn't tell that they were just pretending to bathe him  
-The Rahaarite Martian Gikli Malkde-Skimt collected little soaps  
-Guillaume Apollinaire shaved himself with a photograph of a razor that had been fitted with a razor's edge

NOW YOU DO!

* * *

**WHERE TO SELL YOUR SHORT STORIES**

Some people are too damn lazy to write whole novels, and so they devote their time to short fiction or books of lists. I can't speak to the market for the latter, but anyone who's telling you there isn't a market for serious short fiction anymore is certainly not me. Indeed, many popular magazines are very eager to buy your short stories, especially if your short stories are written in the form of twenty-five word raunchy photo captions.

**WHERE TO MARKET YOUR STORIES THAT SOUND EXACTLY LIKE RAUNCHY PHOTO CAPTIONS**

_Maxim_  
_FHM_  
_Stuff_  
_Gear _  
_Things To Purchase Or Masturbate To_  
_Harper's_

If this isn'y your natural milieu as a writer, however, there are still a few respectable alien magazines out there devoted to publishing short stories in the classic genres. For example...

* * *

**ALIEN MARKETS FOR YOUR SHORT STORIES**

_Where to Market Your Short Stories About Life and Death At High Altitudes_  
_Shotgun!_  
_Rockcrusher: A Male's Magazine_  
_Fight_  
_Masculine Voyage_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories About Life and Death in Space**  
_Multibarrel Shotgun!_  
_False Space Sagas_  
_Destination: Peril_  
_Outscare!_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories About Erotic Encounters in Either of the Following Locales**  
_Sexy Danger_  
_Secret Scar_  
_Spicy Space_  
_Chelejash_

**Where to Market Your Alternate-History Short Stories**  
_The New Ikhilar_  
_The Ethereal Monthly_  
_The Woggan Review_  
_Blue Sun_  
_Colony 102: The Magazine That Dares to Imagine What Would Happen If the Zandish Crash Had Occured in 820 BC_  
_The Yatikin-The Planetary Magazine of Fiction and Comment for All Imperial Subjects of the United Moons...of Ókólam!_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories Featuring Lots of Footnotes, Comic Book References, and Lists**  
_The Diary for the Experienced_

**Where to Market Your Dolaikh Sabi'irok (Puliik)/Sakshadh Lichakt (Nitarikit) Slash Fiction**  
_Smartscript, circa 2481_  
_What We Talk About When We Talk About Sakshadh Lichakt Having Sex with Dolaikh Sabi'irok Monthly._

* * *

**IDIOSYNCRACIES OF THE GREAT DETECTIVES**

-Lady Keleshe Se'Hali (Lolir): This elderly spinster's not as senile as she seems! Also, she eats snakes.  
-Juno Dix (Human): This refined, morbidly obese attorney solves mysteries without ever leaving his own bathtub  
-Inspector Yiwsk Inkri-Desnon (Unknown): This fastidious foreigner refuses to say exactly what planet he's from or what species he is, thus keeping everyone guessing.  
-Buddy Jimmy Smith (Human): This freckle-faced fourth grader's actually the reincarnation of an Egyptian slave whose ancient memories of embalming techniques mystically guide him as he cracks "The Case of Janey's Kitten, Who Has Been Missing for Days."  
-Elder Gandak'rer (Yishaan): This 15th Century BC Kasu'emite monk actually believes he's a 16th Century BC Kasu'emite monk.  
-Sergeant Demonicus Rex (Human): This uniformed police officer's also a high magus in the Church of Satan.  
-Dr. G'virnanya G'wevna (Na'ke a jellyfish like species) This brilliant forensic medical examiner occasionally wears the victim's skin in order to "see the crime through their eyes." This habit becomes something of a liability when she begins wearing the victim's skin to nightclubs and restaurants.  
-Lord Miles Overstreet (Human): This debonair, mentally-ill aristocrat does not realize that he's his own nemesis, the mad Dr. Craig Kittles ( A prime example of the dramatic situation known as "Sentient vs. Himself").

* * *

**TWO LIBRARIES THAT ARE SMALLER THAN THIS E-BOOK**

_THE TAVLATH MEMORIAL ARCHIVE, NYÖM UNIVERSITY, 4TH SECTION_  
Atop Nyöm University's imposing Tavlath Library the curious will find something incredible: air conditioning vents, and also, a complete model of the great walled city of Snar Nivoti made of platinum. A waist-high Tavlath Memorial Archive stands at its center, and atop that there's yet another perfect model of Snar Nivoti, containing yet another Tavlath Memorial Archive (which, by the way, is the Yama's third largest Tavlath Memorial Archive) is designed to hold a single volume, which contains within its pages the fate of the United Moons, in great detail, through the year 3000 (Please see "Secrets of Nyöm Unversity").

_THE SHEGEJRAHOK MAN COLLECTION_  
In a small binder hidden behind garbage cans on Shuhehadh Avenue and 602nd Way in Snar Nahlü City are collected all of the small religious booklets that've been distributed by the "Shegejrahok Man," a handsome, elderly Left Snayulid Dij cock (male bird) who walks the neighboring streets shouting "Shegejrahok" every day until he grows too hoarse to continue.

* * *

**HANDY MEASURES OF TIME WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A WATCH**

Before it was common to wear a wristwatch, Humans and Aliens alike had to either purchase the correct time at a time parlor or, if they lived in a rural area, wait until the time peddler came to town. After some haggling, the agreed price would be paid, and then the peddler would draw a black curtain back to reveal a clock. Those who couldn't afford that luxury relied instead on simple folk wisdom, deriving these methods of time approximation that you may still find useful.

-It takes exactly five seconds to read this sentence aloud.  
-Find a Cesium-133 atom. It'll take exactly one half hour to oscillate between the two hyperfine levels of its ground state of 16,546,737,186,000 times. Most car dashboards now come equipped with a Cesium-133 atom for just this purpose.  
-A certified speed reader will be able to read this entire e-book in exactly an hour. Certified speed-readers may be contracted in the county clerk's office.  
-Using only the stones and things around you, it'll take you exactly 120 minutes to construct a working sundial.  
-When you realize you should've simply apologized, it'll be exactly 11:50 pm. Needless to say: too late.  
-When driving at night, the ghostly hitchhiker will reappear on the side of the road exactly once per hour, for exactly four hours, before giving up.  
-A "Fortnight Martini," when properly made, won't reach room temperature for fourteen days.  
-If you don't meet them a second time, you'll forget the name and face of everyone you meet within five years.  
-The agave or "century" plant will live for 100 years. Caution: At year 100, it'll come alive and devour the person closest to it.  
-Your average Kajaj (a sentient species from Ledakh-jar which resembles a squid) can live to be 190,000 years old.

* * *

**TIPPING GUIDE TO THE GREAT HOTELS: TO ENSURE PROMPT SERVICE**

Doorman: TIp $2-5 (中4-10) for unloading your luggage.  
Chambermaid: Tip $1-3 (中2-6) per day for room cleaning turn-down service.  
Concierge: Tip $10-20 (中20-40) per day for aiding with social/business itenerary.  
Room Service: Gratuity added on bill, add 5% (10%) for exemplary service.  
Lullaby: Tip $5 (中10) per lullaby. I can't stress this enough: each lullaby deserves its own gratuity. Add $2 (中4) if the lullabulist uses a harp.  
Phrenologist: Tip $5 (中10) per skull fondling.  
House Detective: Tip $20 (中40) per solved crime.  
Muralist: Tip $15 (中40) on top of hotel fee for a full-wall, color pastoral mural; $25 (中60) for a mural depicting the struggles of labor in the twentieth century or the 6th century BC; add an additional 10% (20%) for a trompe l'œil (or vwikr t'lanip).  
24-Hour Magician: TIp $20 (中40) for 40-minute routine; $30 (中60) if demon summoned.  
(Prepare to tip extra for demonic summoning: . )  
Starling Boy: Tip $1 (中2) for chasing starlings from room.  
Porte-a-merde: Tip $5 (中10) a night (Due to indoor plumbing, it's unusual to find a dedicated port-a-merde standing on call to get rid of "leftover dirt" at any hour. However, for older guests, many hotels still provide this service, which generally falls to the starling boy).  
Sculptor: Tip $25 (中60) per bust of self.  
Blesser: Tip $5 (中10) for blessing the room and checking closets for the undead.  
Kam-é-Rayenkó: tip $2-4 (中4-8) for tossing your ringing alarm clock out the airlock into space. Add $4 (中8) for larger items or family members.  
Melancholier: Tip $10 (中20) to have the melancholier help you stop lauging.  
Feral-Turn-Down service: Tip $1-2 (中2-4) to have a bed made on the floor of leaves and dense grasses if you were raised by creatures in the wild.

* * *

Next Chapter: Information You'll Find Useful in the Present Part 2: Jokes that have never Produced Laughter, Government Programs you can take advantage of TODAY!, Bet You Didn't Know This, Basics of Snow and Ice Warfare, Classic Ice and Snowballs, Hints on Building Snow Forts, Diversions for the Asthmatic Child Who can't play in the Snow, Bet You Didn't Know This, Top Spots for Calamari, And Secrets of the Rahaarite Mall

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	4. Information For the Present Part 2

**INFORMATION YOU'LL FIND USEFUL IN THE PRESENT PART 2**

**JOKES THAT HAVE NEVER PRODUCED LAUGHTER**

Comedians are notoriously superstitious, more so even than actors, who fear the words "Macbeth" or "Se'shante" so much that they'll attempt to kill anyone who dares speak or print it. This is why both Shakespeare and Madhathzaukin (a Nitarikit writer) are dead now, and why I remain in hiding. Comedians, on the other hand, have only themselves. Thats why you'll occasionally still hear these jokes, even though they supposedly curse the speaker to never hear laughter again. If you're hosting a dinner party or looking to pep up a speech to your coworkers, dont tell these jokes. I'd also advise against avoiding them in wedding toasts, retirement parties, eulogies, casual conservation, or joke books. Please note: the authors of these jokes are unknown. The earliest extant versions of them are kept in a vault at the Friar's Club in Los Angeles and the Good Residence in Näü Sakaler on the Rahaarite moon of Savra-jar, both in the same rooms where they keep Buddy Hackett's and Sila Ishdaki's mummies.

1. A man goes into a bar. He's got a dog with him. The dog's wearing an eyepatch. The man says to the bartender, "ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender doesn't hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was gonna say to the dog.

2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

3. A Kasu'emite shaman-priest, a Sriharya (a Kuwainite religious leader) and a nonreligious martian are flying across the Galaxic Expanse, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The ship starts to explode. Luckily, there are enough escape pods for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

4. An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Indian Chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.

5. A Tizarite Lolir, a Byazarese Nitarikit, and a Snayulid Chieftain go fishing together in a large raft in a medium size lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.

6. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It's very chapped." The pharmacist says, "we've got nothing for ducks here."

7. A dog goes into a bar. He's wearing an eyepatch. The dog says to the bartender, "You hear the one about the one-eyed dog? The bartender, who's deaf in one ear, thinks the dog's making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don'tcha have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender's tired of all the joves. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar, in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.

* * *

**GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TODAY!**

I've done all the legwork! All you've gotta do is make the call!

$10,000 to teach yourself how to make a samurai sword!  
中20,000 to teach yourself how to make an iskemdeb sword!  
$1,000 to become a French gendarme! (cape fee included!)  
中2,000 to become a Yishaan Shistis'tú! (headdress fee included!)  
$5,000 to build a garden shed out of floppy disks!  
$20,000 to educate mink in your own home!  
中40,000 to educate prolemuris in your own home!  
$250 to glue photographs of bees into a book!  
$5,000 to wear spats and suspenders and ask the world to take your seriously!  
$2,500 to crumple tinfoil and then smooth it out again!  
$10,000 to open a portal to another dimension (void if said dimension is inhabited by world-consuming monster-gods)!  
25 golden dollars to find the Donner Party-STILL UNCLAIMED!  
Another $25 to the man who can eat them alive-STILL UNCLAIMED!  
60 crystal lyosolëra to find the K'makkla Party-STILL UNCLAIMED!  
Another 中25 to the man who can eat them alive-STILL UNCLAIMED!  
$2,000 to build a working robot within a week!  
$1,000 a year to foster good international relations by calling European or Asian families at random and speaking to them in English!  
中2,000 a year to foster good interstellar relations by calling Orionid or Sagittarian familes at random and speaking to them in Martian, Nitarikit, or English!  
$5,000 to perfect your Ayn Rand impersonation!  
中10,000 to perfect your Kaza Hdiri impersonation!  
$13,000 to start your own radio station that broadcasts nothing but sounds of airplanes landing!  
$150,000 to write an e-book/fanfic of fake trivia!

* * *

**BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS**

Dhamaalën Labja Gödzë was the editor in chief of _Fun_ magazine from 519-518 BC

BET YOU DIDNT KNOW THIS FACT!

* * *

**BASICS OF SNOW AND ICE WARFARE**  
(Count's Squires Enjoying Their Once-Yearly Afternoon Off: art/Rahaarite-Count-s-Squires-Snowball-Fighting-38 3187784)

Every youngster of every species should, at some point, feel the bite of ice against his/her cheek, the feel of frost against his/her eye, the sensation of being buried in snow, in soundless, senseless, white eternity, for that's what death feels like. Sensitive parents who wish to protect the child from this experience don't realize that contemplation of death's a natural, healthy part of childhood. And personally, I resent their efforts to melt all the snow with giant orbiting space lenses. All this'll do is encourage the children to dream instead about hot burning death from the sky - And you'll agree that this is a terrible waste of giant lenses, which are desperately needed for the reading of giant books.  
No, snow and Ice Warfare's an inevitable ritual of childhood and may be enjoyed in many inventive variations, very few of which scar or maim. Here are some of the classic ice-and snowballs that children of all species have always loved.

* * *

**CLASSIC ICE-AND SNOWBALLS**

The prize melon: A snowball that, in weight and circumference, that mimics the heft of Earth's largest melon.  
The come-back-here: A snowball that's tethered to a thin leather strap or string so that it may be retrieved and used again.  
The gouger: An iceball that's been shaped by knife and selective melting to form a sort of scythe that can easily remove an eye.  
The college boy: A regular snowball that's subsequently packed with the broken shards of a nerd's eyeglasses. This snowball shouldn't be thrown, but forcibly fed to the geek for a real big laugh (Do not force feed a geek said snowball for a real big laugh!).  
The fine feathered friend: A snowball with a live canary inserted into it. Pack tightly to prevent "beaking".  
The baked Alaska: A snowball that's been set on fire using a common flammable gel. Less common now that child-sized asbestos gloves have been made illegal by the fainthearted.  
The roasted Ligdagag: A snowball that's been set on fire using a type of flammable oil. Also less common.  
The Ionesco: A snowball formed in the shape of the famous French absurdist's puffy bald head.  
The Falibyül: A snowball formed in the shape of the famous Yelid Karsha Absurdist's Bivalve shell.  
The truth ball: A snowball that, when thrown properly, compels the target to tell the truth on any subject for a period of thirty to thirty-five minutes.  
The squib: A snowball that contains a small exploding capsule of fake blood (handily made at home with corn syrup, red dye, and blood). Used to frighten play-pals who may be hemophiliacs.  
The gasser: A snowball that contains a small exploding capsule of mustard gass that'll cause the other guy/gal to swoon. Gassers are frowned upon in most suburban areas, though they were historically common among snow warriors of the cities-especially the newsies, for whom snowballing was not just recreation, but a means of protecting valuable territory.  
The old warrior: A snowball from 2-7 winters past, kept in a freezer or some other storage facility, and prized for its accumulation of rough freezer ice, which'll scar a person's face. Experts estimate that within three generations this'll be the only kind of snowball left. But this'll change nothing: as it always has, favor in battle shall fall naturally to the person who's planned in advance, and especially to those whose fathers own ice factories or cryogenic head-freezing companies.

* * *

**HINTS ON BUILDING SNOW FORTS**

-Locate snow fort on high ground offering plenty of visibility to surrounding terrain.  
-Mound a square or circular enclosure of snow walls that are wider than they are tall.  
-An armory of spare snowballs may be stacked in a pyramid in the center. This pyramid's also good for the secret storage of vodka or, if defeat's certain, cyanide capsules.  
-Making use of an actual existing army fort or tower guarantees success but is considered unsporting.  
-Underground tunnels should be supported by stout beams. Glass bricks are no longer fashionable.  
-Watch out for short-faced bears or Therizodons.

* * *

**DIVERSIONS FOR THE ASTHMATIC CHILD WHO CAN'T PLAY IN THE SNOW**

But suppose you're an asthmatic child, unsuited for play in cold weather, or for labor in the chimneys, or as a sewer lackey. There are still any number of indoor amusements that'll not overtax the lungs or the inhaler. For example...

-Inhaler whittling  
-Fabrication of elaborate kites that shall never fly  
-Pill-swapping  
-Bird-loathing  
-Lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling  
-Finding new quiet radio programs to listen to  
-Hiding

* * *

**BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS**

While in recent years it has been beset by tragedy, Yamavaga reminds us that there's been only one murder in the history of the galaxy ship program. It occured in 516 BC. While the captain, the payload specialist, the jewel thief, the mysterious art dealer, and her private secretary were all under suspicion, the first Rahaarite woman in space, the Nitarikit Ilsu Seshtik, eventually determined that only the Snayulite vagrim had the motive, the opportunity, and the expertise in confined quarters to carry out the deed.

COULD IT BE THAT THE LACK OF STELLAR GRAVITY HAS SOME EFFECT ON THE BRAIN THAT ALLOWS IT TO SOLVE MYSTERIES MORE EASILY?!

* * *

**TOP SPOTS FOR CALAMARI**

_Reprinted from an online guest column I wrote for_ It Be Indeed Food!_ Magazine, the Magazine for watchers of television food programs._

-At the Café du Calamars de Marquises on the Pacific Island of Marquesas, Chef Pierre's got a special that's sure to make the calamari lover salivate..._for calamari!_ He starts with only the freshest live cuttlefish and a recipe for cooking them! He adds steam, some spices, and then places it all with a garnish of curly parsley..._voilá!_ The Café du Calamars Spécial!  
-At the Octopalace in San Diego, California. Chef Jack starts with fresh-cut octopus (that's octopi just de-armed, to you and me). He then briefly panfries it in butter, adds heavy cream, some salt, pepper, and spice, and _voilá!_ You've got calamari...with a _European bistro twist!_  
-You might be surprised to learn that The Squid Shack in Cairn, Australia, doesn't actually serve calamari at all! But this joint's _funky atmosphere_ will sure remind you of one that does! Yup: those are real mounted kangaroos and old fossil bones on the walls...right next to the old black-and-white pictures...of squid!  
-At Ika Kyuuden (Cuttlefish Palace) in Osaka, Japan, you can catch your own cuttlefish! Every night the live cephalopods are set loose throughout the restaurant, sometimes attacking children! _(Please_: no dogs or gulls allowed.)  
-What's that, you say? A restaurant that serves only Nautilus? Well, that describes Berlin, Germany's Kalmarhaus restaurant _to a T!_ The nautili are freshly prepared using boiling water! Crush their shells and find the meat using your own jewller's glass! You don't have to be a barbarian to enjoy them!  
-Locals know that Squid (a type of cephalopod) are great at the Squid Spot in San Francisco, California. But it's the Humboldt squid that have them driving from miles around. Previously frozen, the four-foot gigantic tentacles are thawed, cooked with spices, doused in 151-proof rum, set on fire, and then shoved into an _eight-pound individual cheesecake._  
-Sure you've heard of Clams Casino, but _Squids_ Casino? That's the name of the game at the Squid Sweat Lodge at the Tomahawk Resort and Casion on the Lakota Reservation in Southern South Dakota, where the Admiral's Buffet Serves-_get this_-squid _cakes!_ They're available twenty-four hours a day and night, five dozen for a nickel.  
-MacNeill's Market in Edinburgh, Scotland, may look like an ordinary Supermarket. But work your way back through the funky, down-home isles of food and you'll soon discover the counter manned by Chef John, who's got something _special_ up his sleeve. Chef John's "Seafood Salad" starts with chopped stalks of fresh celery, some lemon juice and spices, and then..._rings?!_ WHAT?! I've heard of gigantic Humboldt squid tentacles, but what the heck are these?  
"Basically, it's sea bream or some other whitefish that's formed and colored and flavored to stand in when squid's not available." Says Chef John. That's right: _imitation calamari!_ And here comes the secret ingredient: Cocktail sauce! But this ain't your average sauce! Chef John's comes from a plastic 10-gallon tub with a picture of an Arab trader on it. Now I love cocktail sauce, but I've never seen anything like this before. "Basically, we find it's more cost-effective to buy it this way." (?)  
That's it! From country to country, supermarkets to restaurants, old-fashioned squid shacks to European-style bistros, there's a lot to get squiddy about...SQUID!

* * *

**SECRETS OF THE RAHAARITE MALL**

I may be my clan's PR director, but I also have to contrive some other way for me to eat and drink at the finest restaurants without paying for anything. And so I've become a columnist in my spare time for a planetary magazine of Men's fitness and adventure, in which I write about food, drink, and sausage, a kind of food.  
You may recall my work. My first column was on the subject of the care and feeding of great abs (I mean AWESOME abs). My second column was on the subject of hunting and cooking your own direhorse steaks.  
The problem is that there are only so many foods in the stars to write about. I believe it was Iflakhto Akton, a Nitarikit, who wrote in _Yishaan Food_. "You will write about the following: abs, direhorse steaks, chili, chili, and direhorse steaks, in said order."  
I did once write a column on a different subject, but my magazine never ran it. It was on megahot sauces. By this, I should say that I mean _very spicy_, and not _boiling hot_-an important distinction of the kind a professional food journalist's gotta take.  
An example of a megahot sauce is "Drahutha's Psychopath Sauce," which I ate on a leaf once, and then my mouth hurt like a motherfucker, and then I had to lay down. And then I cried blood for a day or so.  
Drahuthas is actually on the milder end of the megahot sauce spectrum. There's an entire category of megahot sauces that promise death. Most of them are packaged in little coffins. Some go as far as to promise not only your death, but the mass extinction of all sentient life in the local arm. I'm not a person who fears death, what with me being Tauttiyi and all. But I couldn't bring myself to endorse death by megahotness, which is perhaps why my magazine found my piece "supergay".  
The second article of mine that was never published was about the food court at the Rahaarite Mall. I was excited to visit the planet's largest mall, but what I discovered there shocked the crap outta me. It also apparently shocked my magazine, which refused to publish it on the pretense that "most of it was fiction" and that "It didn't involve any direhorses or direhorse combat," which I knew was their nice way of saying "supergay".  
But you, my friend, are seeking the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS, and so you shant shy from what's revealed in this, my unexpergated private journal of the secrets of the Rahaarite Mall.

**DAY 1**

At 400 million square feet, the Rahaarite Mall's the largest mall on all the Rahaarite moons. In addition to 1,040 shops, two-thirds of which are devoted to the sale of Fahasana and Sanadhafa Khavamtamt Caps, it's got a hazher (a Kasu'emite chapel) and a school and a post office and an amusement park called Camp Tinki inside of it.  
It's not, I should point out, the largest mall in the Barnard's Star System. That distinction belongs to the West Kravshime Mall, which contains 14,000 Kavamtamt-cap shops, a meat factory, a complete stekonic castle, twelve monorails, and the entire township of East Kravshime, preserved like Pompeii or Bpaijalgab'hhar at the exact moment it was devoured by the West Kravshime Mall.  
Still, the Rahaarite Mall's large enough that I can see it from my hotel room, literally thousands of feet away. Its phosphor lights obliterate the Ikodrokab evening. It's so bright, I don't know how they get the giant birds to keep circling it.

**DAY 2**

The Rahaarite Mall's filled with elderly people of many species who are always walking, circling the mall like sharks, they say "for exercise." When they collapse, mall security discreetly removes them and props them up in the booths at Falebaz Ksadil.  
One elderly Avder woman's agreed to show me her favorite places to eat. Her name's G'ven'gŭwa. She takes me into the Irazkt Café. Its a restaurant with eight dining rooms, each decorated in the style of a lost civilization. I'm not very impressed by the Meshelthi Room, which is just a blue room with pictures of fish on the wall. Not a single porthole, which to me just seems _obvious_.  
But the Chamatokta Mali room's stunning, with beautiful murals of mountaintops and very thin air, which makes it hard to breathe, and all the hard-boiled eggs are undercooked. Also, the room's staffed by actual Shuya (which resemble centipedes crossed with mantises), looking sad and doing their sad little math with bone disks when not serving you omelettes. G'ven'gŭwa says "This be all that remains of the once-great Shuya."

**DAY 3**

The Ikadrokab Lunch's a stand run by three brothers, all of them Iguptan Sumrans (which resembles a chameleon with six eyes, a long neck, and bat wings). They serve traditional favorites of the Ikadrokab Lunar Expo: Ziz (a pikelike fish) on a stick, bread-meat on a stick, fried cheese curds from Earth, and _vayumash madhavugh_, the famous Iguptan root stew, which unfortunately can't be put on a stick.  
The brothers implore me to try their new invention, deep-fried cheesecake on a stick, a stunning breakthrough in food-on-a-stick technology. Then they admit they're sad, sad like the Shuya. After twenty years, the mall's kicking them out and they don't know why.  
I ask if maybe they're being discriminated against because they're Iguptan Sumrans. Oh, no, they say. Oh, No no no no no.

**DAY 4**

I call the mall's PR people to ask why they're exiling the Iguptan Sumrans and also to ask about the secret tunnel I found that leads to Camp Tinki to The Pottery Shack and is lined with sentient skulls. This is when the Rahaarite mall stops returning my calls. This happens sometimes when professional journalists ask the wrong questions. I'm frozen out. From here on, I'm going rogue.

**DAY 5**

G'ven'gŭwa takes me to Cereal Adventure, which is a mini theme park run by Earth's General Mills, makers of Trix and Lucky Charms and Cookie Crisp (my favorite).  
There's a mini-loti (similar to mini-golf) course there, as well as an interactive exhibit on how Lucky Charms is made. Here it's shown how the leprechauns are first flayed and then pulped to be turned into the marshmallows. Off to the side are waist-high piles of abandoned little green hats that'll be shipped back to Ireland under Earth's international treaty.  
"Am I the only one who's creeped the fuck out by this?" I ask aloud. G'ven'gŭwa ignores me. "You can have your picture taken and put on a box of Wheaties." She says.  
That's insane, I say. I can't masturbate to a picture of myself. Where are the Michelle Ui boxes?  
We then go to the Cereal Adventure Café, which claims to have all the General Mills Cereals for sale. They've got the monster cereals Boo Berry, Count Chocula, and Frankenberry. I'm surprised to learn that they've never heard of Fruit Brute, which featured a werewolf. They've never heard of Yummy Mummy, who was a mummy who was fruit flavored. I wonder if they really have any business running a "Cereal Adventures" café at all.

**DAY 6**

My last interview's with an Ikadrakob Martian woman who just opened a pastry shop using her grandmother's original cheesecake recipe. Her store's called The Old Cake Store.  
I ask her if she's tried the deep-fried cheesecake on a stick the Iguptan Sumrans serve at Ikadrakob Lunch. She just smiles in an ominous way that makes me think she knows their days are numbered, and soon she'll be cheesecake queen.  
"Working in the mall's somewhat scary," she confides, "because as the largest mall on the Rahaarite moons, wer'e a terrorist's perfect target"  
"You know what?" I say. "Have a glass of shut the fuck up."

**DAY 7**

My three-day journey's complete. I check in with one of the Iguptan Sumran brothers on my way out of the Rahaarite Mall.  
"Did you ever find out why we're being kicked out?" he asks. "No," I say "The mall officials are stonewalling me. I've gone rogue," I explain.  
He nods as only a sad Iguptan Sumran who's about to lose his deep-fry palace at the Rahaarite mall can "Maybe it's for the best," he says.  
He gives me something fried on a stick, and I promise to eat it someday. But for him and me, the Ikadrakob Lunch's ended.

* * *

Next Chapter: What You Didn't Know About the Past: History's Worst Men's Haircuts and Tendrill Styles, Discredited Styles, Famous Novels That Were Not Originally Published as Books, Bet You Didn't Know This, More Surprising Eponyms, Great Rivalries in Dungeons & Dragons, A Brief Timeline of the Pishti on the Rahaarite Moons, and Films in which I, Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa, Have made Cameo Appearances in.

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	5. The Past Part 1

**CHAPTER 4**

**WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE PAST PART 1**

* * *

HISTORY'S WORST MEN'S HAIRCUTS AND TENDRILL STYLES

If all of history may be counted as a year, and sentient history merely the last ten seconds of that year, then you'll be surprised to learn that more than two-thrids of the worst haircuts and tendrill styles maye be contained in the slightest fraction of a milliseconds in which sentience has played hockey or jhele. There's something about the gliding sports trhat attract not only bad haircuts and tendrill styles, but hair or tendrills of the sorts and textures that were once euphemistically termed by forgiving barbers as "hard-grooming": rubbery, thick, carpetlike, wormlike, reedy, and plump. As the columnist Liam Dorn wrote in the _Ontario Lamplighter_ newspaper in 1928, "a hockeyist doesn't have hair so much as a thick, fungal covering that starts at about two inches from the circumference of his head and then grows in." The columnist Ze'et Slalikh wrote in the_ Ider Watchman_ in 571 BC, "A Jhelesh hath not tendrills, but instead a thick fungal covering that begins at about four seila (5 inches) from the circumference of the center of his head, which then grows inwards."  
Leaving aside the Mullet and Kazeeyëm, other favorites of the Hockeyist and Jhelesh included: the Scrape, the Knife, the Scab, the Scar, the Floppy-Dog-Ear, the Hanging Moss, the Executive Floppy-Dog-Ear, the Matted Hanging Moss, the Shag-Swoop, and the Poker, both of which were advertised as being able to somehow provide "the illusion of a moustache" and required two barbers working simultaneously and ended with the ringing of a bell (for further information on such dangerous barbering practices, please see "Beard Manual".) Sadly, photographs don't exist, only apocryphal tales told by former jhele men who are, as you know, unreliable due to their zombie-like stupidity and puck fever.  
Yet there are many more examples outside of hockey and jhele of unusual hairstyling that have been recorded. You may ask, how's a hair/tendrill cut recorded for history? Obviously, sketches and photographs are invaluable. But for various reasons historians prefer those that were recorded by wax molding, a technique first employed by Charles Toobin in 1782 and Dolaikh Tjekktjon in 717 BC. Both the Toobin Museum of Non-Hockey Related Haircuts of Kingston, NY, and the Tjekktjon Museum of Miscellaneous Tendrill Styles of Drahlaneme, Sana, are to be thanked for the following historical notes, and as well for their loving maintenance and regular dusting of thousands of categorized wax hairstyles and tendrill styles. It's difficult, as you might guess, to keep them from melting.

**DISCREDITED STYLES**

The Napoleon Hat  
(1870s-1890s, Europe and Pennsylvania)  
Sadly self-explanatory. Though not quite as unsightly or as difficult as its contemporary, the Tri-Corner, it was of the same period (1870s), and was much more widely practiced, being the chosen cut of the Saw Creek utopian society in the Poconos (See Utopias). As the Creekers (as they were known) were dedicated to perfect uniformity in human shame, even the bald were asked to mimic the haircut via the use of shaped hay.

The Mí'ílahij Cap  
(620s-620s BC, Orionid Cluster and the Rahaarite moon of Shul'ham-jar)  
Also sadly self-explanatory. Though not quite as unsightly or as difficult as its contemporary, the Pyramid-Top, it was of the same period (620s BC), and was much more widely practiced, being the chosen style of the Lan River Utopian Society in the Sendili (See Utopias). As the Lanin (as they were known) were dedicated to perfect uniformity in sentient shame, even the bald were asked to mimic the style via use of shaped reeds.

The Sink Cut  
(1900s-1930s North America)  
This quick and thrifty cut involved putting your child's head in a sink and cutting around the edge. The sink caught the blood handily. During the Depression, when many human families didn't have sinks, a dirt hole would be substiuted, or a natural cave.

The Cup Cut  
(590s-560s BC Rahaaral)  
This quick and thrifty cut involved putting your child's head in a cup and cutting around the edge. Extra bowls caught the blood handily. During the Age of Decline, when many familes didn't have cups, a dirt hole would be substituted, or a natural cave.

The Shot Glass

(1930s, US Military)

An early experiment with the "Traumatic Haircut" school of American Military Hairstyling (along with the "High and Tight" and the "Bleeding Horseshoe") in which the dramatic shearing of the new recuit symbolically parted him from civilian life and initiated him into the regimented structure and high-paced haircut schedule of soldiering. In this case, a shot glass was placed on the new soldier's head and the rest of the hair was shaved off without lather. This generally left a single tuft of hair of varying length, which was found to be useful for tying the heads of young soldiers together for a prank (or for their own safety), but less useful in inspiring fear in the enemy. A variant, the "High and Loose," was considered by many to be exceedingly loose and quickly abandoned.

The Roots  
(560s, Yama Military)  
An early experiment with the "Horror Style" School of Rahaarite Military Tendrill/hairstyling (along with the "Highset" ande the "Bloody Rider") in which the dramatic trimming of the new recruit symbolically parted him from civilian life and initiated him into the regimented structure and high-paced tendrill schedule of soldering. In this case, some of the tendrills were shortened to fine points, and the beard braided. This generally left a single beard tendrill of varying length, which was found to be useful for tying the heads of young soldiers together for a prank (or for their own safety), but less useful in inspiring fear in the enemy. A variant, the "Highdrop," was considered by many to be exceedingly droopy and quickly abandoned.

The Scamp  
(Mid-1950s, Northern US, Parts of Canada)  
The best-known example of the brief "moving hair" fad, in which various live animals were camouflaged and/or sewn into the hair itself, in this case, a ferret. The fad died out due to the difficulty of replacing the creatures and the high rate of hawk and eagle attacks upon citizens.

The Crawler  
(Mid-540s BC, Inner Rahaarite Moons, Moons of Ókólam)  
The best-known example of the brief "Insect Tendrill" fad, in which various live animals were camouflaged and/or saltered into the tendrills themselves, in this case, a Taxidopede (a type of terrestrial crustacean). The fad died out due to the difficulty of replacing the creatures and the high rate of raptor attacks upon citizens.

The Firefly  
(1970s, the cities of North America)  
One of several flamboyant "disco cuts," this style involved coating the tips of the hair with a common flammable gel. At a certain agreed time, the hair would be lit and used by other revelers for the purpose of freebasing cocaine. This is, of course, how Richard Pryor nearly died.

The Jellyfish  
(520s BC, the cities of Rahaaral)  
One of several flamboyant "Kanish Styles," this style involved coating the tips of the tendrills with a common flammable gel. At a certain agreed time, the tendrills would be lit and used by revelers for the purpose of freebasing kandrëm. This is, of course, how Liskimt Shädä, a Tiblūwite, which resembles a six-eyed Dug from Star Wars, nearly died.

The Spitting Cobra  
(1970s, New York City)  
Via egg whites and professional styling products, the hair was shaped such that it resembled the raised hood of the snake in question. When a nearly bankrupt Manhattan was ruled by competing street gangs, each with its own signature haircut, the Spitting Cobras dominated the former fur district around Twenty-Sixth Street. They were known for hissing at passersby. While the gang faded along with the forgotten Perms and Knot-tops, the haircut lived on. It was appropriated by the members of the early pre-punk band the Slithering Snakes, and then revived again by the Japanese punk revival band Wild Snake Heads. A variant, the Vader, was briefly popular among people who owned used record stores or hung out in them.

The Hacking Sebne  
(520s BC, Snar Nahlü City)  
Via mud and professional styling products, the tendrills were shaped such that it resembled the rasied hood of the cobra-like creature in question. When a nearly bankrupt Taukimra was ruled by competing street clan-gangs, each with its own signature tendrill style, the Semboshi Sebnektü (Nitarikit for "Hacking Sebne") dominated the former hide district around Ninety-Second Road. They were known for hissing at passersby. While the clan faded along with the forgotten Binds and Zithlisuk (Nitarikit for "knot-tops"), the Tendrill style lived on. It was approprated by the members of the early pre-shaim band Cchag Sobdërin (Martian for "The Spitters"), and then revived again by the Guhlamite Shaim revival banhd Klomkanishag (Guhlamite for Wild Serpent Heads). A variant, the Thittä, was briefly popular among people who owned used disk stores or hung out in them.

* * *

**FAMOUS NOVELS THAT WEREN'T ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AS BOOKS**

You'd be surprised to learn that many famous authors had a hard time getting published initially and had to find other outlets for their manuscripts. Other writers have simply chosen to eschew books altogether, seeking out more expermental forms. Luckily, none of the following authors chose to publish his books "electronically," for that's purely for suckers.

-The _Adventures of Tom Sawyer_ by Mark Twain: originally a series of riverboat chants learned when Samuel Clemens was a pilot on the Mississippi.

-_Uredh Domzakt's Treks_ by Kodh Inza, a Rahaarite Yishaan: originally a series of hydrocraft chants learned when Uram Ghaslamin was a pilot in the Jidjikum ocean of the Rahaarite moon of Jidjikum.

_-Hopscotch_ by Julio Cortazar: woven into a carpet that could be red from any direction.  
(Themaalite Woman Standing Upon the Novel _Idlain_ art/Themaalite-Woman-386958281?q=gallery%3Ayarthayajknaush&qo=0)  
-_Idlain_ by the Ryagdöm Eflakhtom Ershamal: etched into the trunk of a tree that could be read from any direction.

-_The Secondary Hear_t by Jean-Mikhel Vizra: published as a series of sequential plaques arranged on benches in Central Park, each containing one sentence.

-_The Spare Heart_ by Fulip-Shevaz Kanzhä: published as a series of ribbons arranged on tree branches in Petekh Park, each containing one sentence.

-_Dubliners_ by James Joyce: initially telegraphed as the last message from _Titanic_, (technically this was a series of linked short stories, the last entitled "Please Save Us from Drowning.")

-_Engnuzhin_ by Sakhlan Skidhalt: initially texted as the last message from _Nasgyav_. (Technically this was a series of linked short stories, the last entitled "FOR THE LOVE OF SHEGEJER, SAVE US!")

-_Retsog_ by the Tayasht (ancestral subspecies of Vrăten) Z'kaad Dib: actually composed of the words of Goster arranged backward. Dib never bothered to write it out this way, instead claiming that whenever Goster was read backward it was officially his work, and he deserved a royalty.

-_Dank Darkness_ by Ktkkkkt!kttt!: played by an autistic guhlamite child on spoons (see "Films in which I, Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa, have made cameo appearances").

-_Writing doth not Kil_l also by Z'kaad Dib: written into the margins of a New Living catalogue.  
(Z'kaad Dib's something of a cult writer whose first novel, _The Sweetest Things_, was published in 2487 to some positive critical reaction, but very poor sales.  
When his publisher declined to publish his next novel, _From the Jungle Hous_e, he fired his agents, changed the name of the book to _Up your Asshole, you Fuckers_, and sought new representation. In his cover letter, sent to me in 2509, he promised "to flay the shitty skin off Rahaarite literature and expose the cancer that is wretched 'fiction' that eats the weak muscles of art and clean the wound with maggots of my words."  
He failed to tempt anyone with this approach, and all his further works, including The_ Precious Crap, All Those Collegial Writers who eat Shit_, and the short story _Dirty Wanker_, were released in extremely limited editions by Dib himself, who hand-wrote each novel into the margins of New Living catalogues that he stole and would re-mail primarily to publishing professionals.  
Yet despite this restricted audience, his iconoclasm and muscular prose attracted a devoted if small group of admirers, mainly young men. They trade his work in bootleg chapbook editions, talk about him online, and occasionally make pilgrimages to meet him at Dolar, on the Rahaarite moon of Migri, at the city shop where he works.  
"The Tayasht Dib rejects the priss-fiction of the writing workshop Richie Riches," writes aspiring "slag poet" Se'Zatja on his Z'kaad Dib fan page, "replacing all their quaint, talentless, conformist prose with hard, real words that no one writes anymore. Words like 'takesure' and 'amoeban'."  
Though I don't spend much time writing as much as I used to, these people still threaten my life, and Dib still sends me a novel now and again, usually on the back of a very nice Christmas card that features photos of himself and his coworkers at the copy shop that he's obviously taken without their knowledge and the typical sign-off: "Hope we can do business some time!")

* * *

**BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS**

Geoffrey's_ Eponyms Dictionaries Index_ lists some 45,000 eponymous things or concepts, each carrying with it a name forward into history.  
Many of these words (These Tavdhladleklwa-brand marbles ( . ), while they're of very high quality, aren't named after me.  
If they were, I would have an _eponymous_ relationship with them, from the Greek "named on," in which I'd be the eponym. Not the marbles. They're merely glass balls. No one'll think of me when they play with them. Unless they find the small time capsule I've hidden inside them containing the text of this e-book, and also the small holographic message of me pleading for help, and also the poisonous black mamba. Then maybe they'll think of me.) are named after gods or mythic figures who arguably don't require linguistic immortality, such as _cereal_ or _erotica_ or _juggernaut_ or _Yahweh_ or_ Onileh_, which I believe is a kind of either British or Byazarese racing cap that you're never allowed to wear.  
A great many more are named for medical doctors. You of course are familiar with _Bell's palsy, Devan's palsy, Johnie McL. disease, Falebiz Se'Ma virus, the ducts of Lushka, the pores of Koreshetanwayei, the colums of Morgagni, the pillars of Klasröjip, Mallory's Stain, Kyürri's Mark, mallory's triple stain, Kyürri's quadruple mark, Anton-Babinski syndrome,_ (the denial of blindness with resort to confabulation by the blinded) and _Harin-Harokhyëmzhak's syndrome_ (the denial of one's heritage).  
But I bet you didn't know that...  
Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, inventor of the "guillotine," was also its first victim.  
Dr. Ukhyev-Dómnir Thustáf, invetor of the "Thustáfá" (Thoo-shah-fah), was also its first victim.  
Sixteenth-Century anatomist Gabriel Fallopius, discoverer of the Fallopian tube in humans, also coined the terms palate, placenta, cochlea, and vagina-but only after his original suggestions (fallopalate, fallopenta, falloplea, and fallopagina) were rejected?  
The silhouette was named for Etienne de Silhouette, the notoriously stingy finance minister to Louis XV, who ironically was himself incapable of casting a shadow, due to lycanthropy?  
The tompran (a type of nut) was named for Nishef-a-Tompran, the notoriously stingy finance minister to Lavij XV.  
Tennis star Jean Rene "The Crocodile" Lacoste, who lent his name both to the Lacoste shirt and the crocodile, actually had aluminum legs.  
Haken star Fulip Snemekr (Sne-mekh) "The Thanator" T'laskai (Tlah-shy), who lent his name both to the T'laskai scarf and the Thanator, actually had aluminum legs as well.  
The leotard was created by the nineteenth-century French trapeze artist Jules Leotard so that men would no longer have to "hide their best attributes"-and when not trapezing, he fought crime by night as the leotarded Parisian superhero known as the "Sad Aerialist."  
The Lahi'ek (a skirtlike garment) was created by the seventh-century-BC Yishaan tightrope walker Iflakht Lahi'ek so that men would no longer "need have to struggle"-and when not rope walking, he fought crime by night as the Lahi'eked Wogganite superhero known as the "Shadow of Woggan".

BET YA DIDN'T KNOW THAT!

* * *

**MORE SURPRISING EPONYMS**

Hans Geigercounter  
Khovaiz Tanzi (Avder) (Tanzimeter, a type of device that measures gamma rays)  
Richard J. Gatling-gun  
Liskimt Fa. Hajësladzek (Rahaarite Nitarikit) (inventor of the Hajësladzek gun)  
George Washington Haberdashery  
Themaal Shovashme Kerhu (Rahaarite Nitarikit) (Kerhu, a type of beard wrap)  
Albert Shame  
(Dzazar Pizhël, inventor of art/Dzazar-Pizhel-386978679?q=gallery%3Ayarthayajknaush&qo=0)  
Dzazar Pizhël, inventor of shame (Byazarese/Rahaarite Nitarikit) (Pizhël is Nitarikit for shame)  
Sir Dennis Ballpoint  
Lord Simendzen Landahau (Byazarese Nitarikit) (Landahau-a type of handheld short phone)  
Douglasitis Brizzard  
Eflakhtumën Kyodï (Rahaarite Lolir) (Namer of the Kyodï Virus)  
Nelly Unicycle  
Fannë Noutaim (Byazarese Martian) (inventor of the Noutaim scooter)  
Alexander Graham Bell  
Lowaharim Poshtech Kizlei (Byazarese/Rahaarite Lolir) (Inventor of the Kizloi palm computer)  
Ampere Angstrom Alfredo Sauce  
Tamprik Zodniv Dzazaska Sauce-(Avder-Lakluldën hybrid) (inventor of the Tamprik measurement, the Zodniv process and Dzazaska sauce).  
Paul Islets of Langerhans  
Oloj Mo'rarëk ë -Kamnakhovaiz-(Avder) (namer of the moons of Kamnakhovaiz)  
Marie Eponym  
Tangen Ailsolki (Yoshran) (Inventor of Hilsokek, Orionid equivalent of eponym).

* * *

**GREAT RIVALRIES IN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS**

Good 3rd-level Dwarven fighter, neutral/good vs. Quillist 3rd-level Elven rogue, chaotic-good. _Jordan Pring, Tim Randall, players._  
Dor Falkon 4th-level Gnomish paladin, lawful/neutral vs. Phinax 6th-level human assassin, chaotic/neutral, _Jordan Pring, Koth Se'Eflakh, players._  
Wistia Silverwand 2nd-level half-Elven ranger, neutral half-sister of Quillist, of royal Elven blood, in exile vs. Devos Swifthand 3rd-level halfing thief-acrobat, chaotic/neutral, _Tim Randall, Adrian Oppenheim, players._  
Drigael Spellweaver 9th-level Human Illusionist, true neutral, DECEASED vs. Umanzur, 8th-level dark-Elven necromancer, neutral/evil, _Jordan Pring, Adrian Oppenheim, players._  
Mok 7th-level half-Orc bezerker, chaotic/evil vs. Morquilla Silverwand 9th-level Elven Psionicist, lawful/good, elfqueen and full-blooded sister of Quillist, _Jordan Pring, Tim Randall, players._  
Dor Falkon (see above) vs. Dor Falkon (see above), _Jordan Pring, Dungeon Master_ (Purely a thought experiment)

* * *

**A BRIEF TIMELINE OF THE PISHTI ON RAHAARAL**

On a recent September afternoon, Eliza and I were pleased to visit the Central Moons Exposition in Muvlisakij, on the Rahaarite moon of Kwatlakama. "Cchag Zayodhi" (Martian for "The Exposition"), as you perhaps may or may not know, is the great culmination of the Continental Fair Season on the Snar Byasërikt moons. Like many such fairs, it features the display of prize fowl and livestock, local handicrafts, ingeniously fried foods (See "Secrets of the Rahaarite Mall"), and a full mechanized carnival featuring various rides that've been hastily assembled by angry and careless Wanwiq and Lakluldën males.  
It was a fine day. We saw a sarye (a cow-like herd animal originating in the Orionid Cluster, but can now be seen on many worlds) being milked by a robot. We watched recently hatched gallopod (a common chickenp-like creature) in a great incubator as they lay, helpless and drenched in albumen, breathing heavily and attempting to stand. These chicks seemed to be trying to say something to me, but I couldn't hear them over the terrified sobbing of the Lolir children next to me. Then I went to watch the pishti judging.  
It's rare that you see a real pishti (a lobsterlike creature native to Byazar, but has since spread) competion these days. As we watched the proud young farm children in their traditional dress colors and goggles leading their well-tended pishti about on their leashes, I wondered if these youngsters knew that 3,209 years ago, this competition would've looked very different indeed. For their enlightenment and your own, I offer this brief timeline of the pishti on Rahaaral.

-609 BC: Snar Nahlü Gwayedite socialite Zaskyar Zhil releases 200 Byazarese pishti in Petekh Park. The "great rushing," as he called it, was part of his poetic effort to introduce to Rahaaral every kind of animal ever mentioned in Madhathzaukin. ("[The king"] forbiddeth me to speak of Gimanzad. But he I shall find asleep, and into his ear will be holler'd 'Gimanzad!' Nay, I shallt train a pishti to say nothing but 'Gimanzad!,' and give it to him to enrage him indefinitely." _Tyakhas IV_) The result, however: chaos.

-607 BC: Pishti are seen everywhere throughout Snar Nahlü City. They especially thrive in garbage cans, occasionally grabbing canids and small people and pulling them into their doom.

-604 BC: When a pishti kidnaps six of the eight zhil octuplets, Zaskyar Zhil collapses in horrid grief and never rises. His brother, the influential Thalisranjir Zhil, pressures the mayor to bring in a new police commissioner to put an end to the pishti problem once and for all. Ilamqosh Karkhaghüdh's called in.

-603 BC: Discovering that the pishti can't easily be killed except by boiling, Karkhaghüdh instead diverts the creatures to the Rahaarite moon of Wisam via a series of freighters.

-599-589 BC: On Wisam, the pishti again thrives, not just on land, but for the first time in the sea. The animal previously called the "pishti" there, a kind of seal-like creature, faces severe competition from the new crustacean neighbors.  
( art/Pishti-387088023?q=gallery%3Ayarthayajknaush&qo=0)

-570s BC: Wealthy Wisamite summer families regularly gather to watch the two species fight on the beach, sending servants out to egg them on with spears. Pelts harvested from the "old pishti" are used as very small carpets.

-560s BC: A law's passed that no servant'll recieve more than eighty new pishti per day as food or pets.

-567 BC: Proving once again its old nickname, "The City whose Residents are Retarded," Snar Nahlü City actually imports several pishti for display in the Petekh Park Zoo. The pishti, however, rarely leave their cave, and when they do, they pace relentlessly back and fourth. Zoological analysts determine that they're depressed. The pishti are given toys to play with, small staircases to leap up, and vermin to chase. Several games are developed to relieve them of their melancholy, one of which eventually becomes a game similar to Earth's Monopoly. The pishti are excellent players, and usually choose the sandal.

-550s BC: Pishti-claw deformities emerge as a popular form of folk art (see "Pishti-claw vs. Logoi-foot deformities"). Some Gafleshists claim that the deformed claws form the shape of secret Laminakh letters-a cryptic message from the impure to the following ones.

-540s BC: Refrigerated hoverships make the translunar shipping of live pishti a reality. Eager to be rid of them, the moon of Wisam pays for their tickets (coach) and creates a now-famous ad campaign to introduce the gas giant to the idea of eating them. "Wisamite Pishti: The Giant Crab That Tastes of Pure Gold!"

-530s BC: Sampeg Pishti (Nitarikit for "Purple Pishti") opens its first restaurant in Sanshi'ar, on the Rahaarite moon of Pegdesht. At the time, their famous 100 Pishti Special costs only 中8.00. As a publicity stunt, Zaskyar Zhil, now 103, rises shakily for the first time in seventy-three years to personally kill the first 40,000 pishti. He turns down the speed-boiler that Sampeg Pishti has devised, preferring instead to strangle them one by one, weeping the entire time. The stunt's a huge success-especially among children. To this day, Sampeg Pishti still offers diners the chance to choose their own Pishti and have an old Gwayedite man kill it before their eyes.

-510 BC: The last old pishti finally perishes in the kitchen of the lesser-known rival chain restaurant, Sabshan Pishti ("Whiskered Pishti" in Nitarikit). The restaurant chain then swiftly closes. It'll be another decade before it's discovered that the Sabshan Pishti chain was owned by an entity called "Immaculate Restaurant Guild," Which itself's but one arm of Sazhashyama, By now it'll not surprise you to learn that Sazhashyama's the largest pishti-owned company on any of the moons.  
It's a sad story, true, but no sadder than much of history. And perhaps it'll cheer you to know that the Green Ribbon at Cchag Zayodhi went to the young Nitarikit Samharma Kusminazha and her handsome young crustacean, Hiladh.

* * *

**FILMS IN WHICH I, YARTHA'YAJKNAUSH TAVDHLADLEKLWA, HAVE MADE CAMEO APPEARANCES**

Occasionally, films and television series require a tall nomadic funny personality who's folksy and has a somewhat knowledge view of the universe, as well as a slack-jaw. It's a cliché, of course, but one I'm not ashamed to embody. So from time to time Hollyood or Ladrayantekt calls my clan, usually after they've called Themaal Skishtöme (a Lolir) and have learned that he passed away in 2503.  
I've appeared in a number of movies, often in very minor roles; but I think my films nonetheless tell an interesting story of the Earth and Rahaarite cinemas, at least from the Tauttiyi point of view.

-_Gab'samrekhomin_ (Martian for "Impostor"): In this horror film, giant worms come to me for advice. I explain to them that I'm out of the advice business. They leave in disgust. Worms, after all, don't retire; they endure.  
Later the worms return with an autistic Guhlamite child who understands their strange click language. Via clicking, they ask again for my help with their novel. I explain that unless they've got a _written_ language, they're out of luck. "With rare exceptions, (See "Famous Novels That Weren't Originally Published as Books")" I tell them, "publishers aren't in the market of publishing novels that aren't written down and instead are performed by live autistic Guhlamite children clicking spoons together. The shipping costs are simply prohibitive."  
Then the worms kiill me. Fun fact from the set: I don't remember the name of the young Guhlamite actor who played the autistic child. But I do remember that between takes he was either_ very_ high, or_ very_ autistic. Anyway, we parted.

-_The Loopy Movie_: This was a movie about puppets who go to hollywood to become stars. As they travel, they frequently consult the script of the movie in order to know what to do next. When they reached Hollywood, they begin making a movie about the movie the viewer's just been watching. The puppets build plywood simulacra props, that, earlier in the film, were presented as real. Then the roof of the soundstage smashes in and a powerful rainbow shines down and obliterates everything, including a plywood imitation of the fake rainbow that had appeared in the first scene. The monkey and ostrich and hippo simulations panic as the fake/real and real/fake worlds nearly destroy each other. The puppets then look directly into the camera and instruct the viewer "Life's a movie, decide your own ending."  
This was the only film in which the French litery critic Robert de Seinefort recieved a screenplay credit (he also did uncredited work on _Phineas and Ferb's Adventures_). I appeared in it as a favor to him, playing "The Homeless Tauttiyi" who keeps yelling "The guy's dead!" from the end of the sleazy nightclub in which the monkey puppet meets the ostrich puppet. I recall getting either high or autistic on the set with the film's composer, the Lolir Oloj Ghorazlegel. Jackie Tines may have been there too. "Oloj," I said, "or Jackie," The whole thing's fucked up. I can't do a homeless person."  
-_Fortunately for Me_: I appear in a short scene at the beginning of this largely forgotten film as a slack-jawed law professor opposite Lolir Jhegen Thadkarra. This Lolir had a_ long_ beard, I'll tell ya what. However, for my scene with him, in which we debate the death penalty. Thadkarra was replaced by a 3D puppet.

-_Azure Stars_: This is a movie about Vegal Shovashme, a Rahaarite Tiblūwite, and Griv Shödmanar, a Rahaarite Avder fighting on a cloakship. I played the engine room assistant (or "Gasmanin" in cloakship slang See "Short Words For Use on Cloakships to Preserve Oxygen"). Most of my part was cut out, but I did get to sing a space ballad, a longtime dream, before my character was then killed by Griv Shödmanar's fists.

-_Hold Up!_ (TV, several episodes): Producer Morty Geldstein, whom I'd known from consulting on the Sugar Sea Monster episode of his _Looking for..._series, asked me to step in as the "father figure" in this situation comedy after the untimely death of actor Fred Tooth, "the Chief." For several episodes I played Vlav, a friendly, eccentric, and extremely bookish Tauttiyi who'd been charged by The Rahaarite Secret Service to observe Shelly Hung and the six girls she cared for.  
After Tooth's passing, my character emerged from the attic crawl space where I'd been spying on them and explained that their love for one another in this time of crisis, had at last inspired me to try to become human.  
I also proclaimed my passion for the character of Shelly, and frequently tried to impress her with my strange abilities (stopping a clock, making a pencil fly, hotwiring a car). She'd hide her obvious affection for me with boisterous abuse ("You Qoptin Idiot!" She'd often shriek, to my delight), while seeking to hide the truth of my nature from bumbling Lozhman operative played by a young Vlav Ayazhuhl. Gradually it became clear that Shelly, despite her salty retorts, was falling in love with me.  
I'm sad to report that the producers quickly shut down this provocative storyline and brought in Okh Sholam, a chitikh. They said it wasn't a matter of my being alien and Shelly Asian. The problem was, they said, that I was _excessively folksy_. Earth wasn't really, they said, to accept a relationship between a working-class Human woman and an obviously wealthy nomadic dilettante . It's for the best, I believe. I have since moved on.

* * *

Next Chapter: Age of Decline-Era Euphemisms for Alcohol, Bet You Didn't Know This, Canid People vs. Felid People, Some Who Owned Four or More Canids, Some Who Owned Fifteen or More Felids, One Who Owned Thousands and Thousands of Insects, Bet You Didn't Know This, Beard Manual, For Expert Barbers Only, and Some Actuaries Who Were Not Prophets.

Reviews and Answers:

Guest: Don't worry, you'll understand soon enough...or not...


	6. The Past Part 2

**INFORMATION YOU'LL FIND USEFUL IN THE PRESENT**

* * *

**HOW TO WRITE A BOOK: THE FIFTY-FIVE DRAMATIC SITUATIONS**

Here's something true that I've long observed regarding people who've written books: their clothes fit well. They seem relaxed and happy, as if they're thinking, Well, at least I got that done. At least I wrote a book. They're not anxiety-ridden, badly tailored nervous wrecks like me, for example, of all of you. That's why so many people wanna write books, and when I finish writing this book, perhaps my clothes'll fit better too.  
And so you may be wondering, "Apart from an almanac of the GREAT TRUTHS OF THE STARS, which I recognize as being your original idea and an enforceable copyright, what is the best kind of book to write?"  
I've been asked this many times as my clan's PR director. The answer is obvious: The most marketable kind of book to write is one in which ninjas fight pirates. But the best kind of book is one in which the ninjas fight large wearther systems and perfect storms.  
Of course, that answer isn't correct in today's publishing environment, as neither sort of those examples includes an interstellar conspiracy overseen by an eons-old religious secret society while my initial response dates me reletlessly, literature-bless it-ever grows and matures.  
But though the particulars may change, I think it's certainly safe to say that throughout history all effective stories are based in some sort of conflict.  
And most critics agree that in literature, there are five primal conflicts. These are:

-Sentient vs. Sentient  
-Sentient vs. Nature  
-Sentient vs. Society  
-Sentient vs. Himself  
-Sentient vs. Cyborgs

If you imagine a story, any story, I trust you'll find that it'll fit neatly into one of these rubrics. But don't panic. You should feel no need to actually imagine a story. History's already done the work for you, as this table of dramatic situations, organized by tipe of conflict, shall provide.

(Typical Cyborg Mischief: assets/news_images/11938_1328538704_1328538655_bat tleship_ )

* * *

**THE FIFTY-FIVE DRAMATIC SITUATIONS**

**MALE/FEMALE VS. MALE/FEMALE**  
Boy vs. Girl  
Cop  
Magicians vs. Detectives  
Teacher vs. Unruly class, both learn leasson  
Persuit throughout life by a Yishaan constable whose determination exceeds his reason.  
Country Mouse vs. City Mouse.  
Itomna Worshippers vs. Satan Worshippers  
Rivals in business become parters in bed  
Former lovers who are archaeologists seek same ancient curio  
Evil cousins thwart romance  
Professional debunker vs. Popular spoonbending psychic

**MALE/FEMALE VS. NATURE**  
Mountains thwart Progress  
Zoo animals atack zookeepers  
All animals attack all sentient beings  
Hunted by tornadoes  
Volcanoes come to town  
One partially blinded by thanator seeks revenge  
Wilderness becomes crucible in which asthmatic learns to grow a beard  
The ocean arrives to put an end to well-laid plans  
Petty jealousy inspires timeless pursuit of whale  
Saint Bernards come first as rescuers, then reveal themselves as enemies  
Snakes lie in wait

**MALE/FEMALE VS. SOCIETY**  
A stranger comes to town  
A town springs up magically around a stranger  
Society persecutes inventor of revolutionary fabric or vehicle  
Self-satisfied loner flouts irrational laws, reveals absurdlity of society, congratulates himself  
Hero is chased by people bearing torches  
Person living in two-dimensional world encourages embrace of third dimension and is shunned  
Coscience prevents acceptance of Soylent Green  
True talent overlooked in favor of kiss-asses  
New numbering system for clones proves problematic for non-clones  
Shark loves Jet (also can be Sentient vs. Nature or Nature vs. Technology)  
Child raised by Saint Bernard assassins seeks acceptance and forgiveness of human society

**MALE/FEMALE VS. HIM/HERSELF**  
Triumph over ennui  
Success thwarted by phobia  
Hero must choose between excellent sexual partner and stable companion  
Past life reasserts itself  
Hero wonders if closest friend is actually his archenemy, then lives in fear  
A horrible physical deformity is overcome, only to be revealed that it's all in the protagonist's imagination  
One partially blinded by thanator overcomes need for revenge  
Struggle to overcome the effects of brainwashing/hypnosis  
Everything turns out to be a dream  
Body part is severed, gains mind of its own: Watch your ass  
Hero in coma seeks to solve his own murder, discovers culprit is himself

**MALE/FEMALE VS. CYBORGS**  
Threat of cyborgs from the future  
Threat of present-day cyborgs  
Return of American CIvil War-Era cyborgs that are powered by steam  
Cyborg fight the man within  
Man seeks control of his own cybernetic brain  
Only the hero can see the cyborgs who secretly run Earth's government and media  
Family pet discovered to be cyborg  
Young, handsome cyborg army officer kills his own family, blames hippies (No offense, Jenny)  
Man creates cyborg who wishes to be a real boy  
Cyborg servants turn on master  
Cyborgs seek fortune on Broadway, settle for bartending gig, and learn much about human life

* * *

**A CLARIFICATION REGARDING THE DRAMATIC SITUATION IN WHICH SENTIENTS FIGHT ANIMALS**

I wish to clarify here that I'm not against the animals. I have two piranhas and a viperwolf, and they're very amusing. I have a particular fondness for those cynodonts called the monotremes (here's to you, Perry the Platypus)-The duckbilled platypus, the Echidna, and their brethren-because they have beaks instead of teeth, and no external ears, and milk glands without nipples, and yet you've gotta admit that takes balls. Generally speaking, I think it's fair to say that I'm a friend to the creatures of Earth and other planets when I'm not busy eating and/or wearing them.  
But recently I found myself once again at 3:35 in the AM (Earth's Eastern Standard Time) cleaning up my Viperwolf's crap, moving swiftly of course, so he wouldn't swoop in and eat it. And at that moment, I confess I felt in my hearts (my species has three hearts) a certain measure of ambivalence about this relationship.  
This feeling came up again when I was talking with my human girlfriend's cousin Ferb about the monkeys that help people in wheelchairs by answering their phones and brushing their teeth and writing all their thank-you notes. This is, on its face, a noble thing to do. But I wondered: why're they only helping people in wheelchairs?  
At best, the monkeys are being stingy. But at worst, they may have a more nefarious plan in mind. Perhaps they're choosing the weakest members of the Human herd on purpose. We all know from the ancient movie _Monkey Shines_ that your average capuchin's but a single super-brain injection away from turning into a razor-wielding killing machine. Just as we all know from _The Birds_ that the mere sight of Tippi Hedren in boat, bringing all her big-city sexiness to chaste Bodega Bay, will drive all the birds in northern California (what else but) apeshit crazy.  
The person who wants to make a million dollars/lyosolëra, I've long maintained, could of course do so very easly by crafting a script or a novel based on this elemental premise: ALL ANIMALS VS. ALL SENTIENTS. I trust you feel the immediate, primal clutch of this concept on your heart/hearts, and I can promise you that the duckbilled platypus scene alone'll be worth the price of admission.

* * *

**MORE MATTERS LITERARY: THE SIX ESSENTIALS**

Even once you have chosen a Dramatic Situation, however, writing a book can still be a pain in the khahaya (Tauttiyi for "ass"). According ot my own observation, every writer must have six essentials at his/her command. Some are born with them. Others must develop them over many years, or hire a professional to provide them (This is most common for "empathy" and it's not unusual for even the finest novelists to hire a ghost empathizer for their third or fourth book). They are...

1. Empathy  
2. The willingness to endure solitude  
3. The belief that the Local Arm gives a fuck about what you have to say  
4. The ability to describe facial hair/tendrills accurately (Can You Describe Capt. Malkod-Uredh's Facial Tendrills? art/Captain-Malkod-Uredh-381691305?ga_submit_new=10%253A1372547093)  
5. A large desk in a quiet room of your own in which to chase your demons (preferably a circular room, so that the demons have nowhere to hide)  
6. Special stationery whith pictures of typewriters and/or quills on tip

* * *

**WHEN WRITING, PLEASE AVOID THESE FAILED PALINDROMES**

Drab Scam: Mad Crabs  
Drat that Tard  
Two Owls Hoot Who Owls Hoot Too (Owt)  
Sour candy and Dan C. Roused  
Desire Still Lisps: Arise! D  
A man, a plan, a kind of man-made river, planned.  
Tauttiyi! It!  
Eh, S'occurs to me to Succor She  
Tow a What? Thaw!  
(Mad Crabs: . )

* * *

**BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS**

This is the first of several examples from my online column of the same name that runs every Sunday, right under _Mister Rick's Plans_, in the _Danville Chronicle_. The original columns contained wounderful illustrations by Carl "Zippy" Cohen, whom you may recall as the creator of Cooper and Jack. But as I don't control the rights to Zippy's spot drawings (And most of the time they're just pictures of men with long arms anyway and have nothing to do with the subject at hand), I don't include them here.

Malkod-Bishul wrote, "It be the highest of status to sit in a hot bathtub and read about birds."  
I'm sure you're glad to know Malkod-Bishul's bathing habits. But I bet you didn't know that...  
-Robert Frost bathed by rolling around in the Vermnt dust once a year  
-The Rahaarite Lolir Jhorok Neshav showered in beer  
-Homer allowed others to bathe him, but because he was blind, he couldn't tell that they were just pretending to bathe him  
-The Rahaarite Martian Gikli Malkde-Skimt collected little soaps  
-Guillaume Apollinaire shaved himself with a photograph of a razor that had been fitted with a razor's edge

NOW YOU DO!

* * *

**WHERE TO SELL YOUR SHORT STORIES**

Some people are too damn lazy to write whole novels, and so they devote their time to short fiction or books of lists. I can't speak to the market for the latter, but anyone who's telling you there isn't a market for serious short fiction anymore is certainly not me. Indeed, many popular magazines are very eager to buy your short stories, especially if your short stories are written in the form of twenty-five word raunchy photo captions.

**WHERE TO MARKET YOUR STORIES THAT SOUND EXACTLY LIKE RAUNCHY PHOTO CAPTIONS**

_Maxim_  
_FHM_  
_Stuff_  
_Gear _  
_Things To Purchase Or Masturbate To_  
_Harper's_

If this isn'y your natural milieu as a writer, however, there are still a few respectable alien magazines out there devoted to publishing short stories in the classic genres. For example...

* * *

**ALIEN MARKETS FOR YOUR SHORT STORIES**

_Where to Market Your Short Stories About Life and Death At High Altitudes_  
_Shotgun!_  
_Rockcrusher: A Male's Magazine_  
_Fight_  
_Masculine Voyage_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories About Life and Death in Space**  
_Multibarrel Shotgun!_  
_False Space Sagas_  
_Destination: Peril_  
_Outscare!_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories About Erotic Encounters in Either of the Following Locales**  
_Sexy Danger_  
_Secret Scar_  
_Spicy Space_  
_Chelejash_

**Where to Market Your Alternate-History Short Stories**  
_The New Ikhilar_  
_The Ethereal Monthly_  
_The Woggan Review_  
_Blue Sun_  
_Colony 102: The Magazine That Dares to Imagine What Would Happen If the Zandish Crash Had Occured in 820 BC_  
_The Yatikin-The Planetary Magazine of Fiction and Comment for All Imperial Subjects of the United Moons...of Ókólam!_

**Where to Market Your Short Stories Featuring Lots of Footnotes, Comic Book References, and Lists**  
_The Diary for the Experienced_

**Where to Market Your Dolaikh Sabi'irok (Puliik)/Sakshadh Lichakt (Nitarikit) Slash Fiction**  
_Smartscript, circa 2481_  
_What We Talk About When We Talk About Sakshadh Lichakt Having Sex with Dolaikh Sabi'irok Monthly._

* * *

**IDIOSYNCRACIES OF THE GREAT DETECTIVES**

-Lady Keleshe Se'Hali (Lolir): This elderly spinster's not as senile as she seems! Also, she eats snakes.  
-Juno Dix (Human): This refined, morbidly obese attorney solves mysteries without ever leaving his own bathtub  
-Inspector Yiwsk Inkri-Desnon (Unknown): This fastidious foreigner refuses to say exactly what planet he's from or what species he is, thus keeping everyone guessing.  
-Buddy Jimmy Smith (Human): This freckle-faced fourth grader's actually the reincarnation of an Egyptian slave whose ancient memories of embalming techniques mystically guide him as he cracks "The Case of Janey's Kitten, Who Has Been Missing for Days."  
-Elder Gandak'rer (Yishaan): This 15th Century BC Kasu'emite monk actually believes he's a 16th Century BC Kasu'emite monk.  
-Sergeant Demonicus Rex (Human): This uniformed police officer's also a high magus in the Church of Satan.  
-Dr. G'virnanya G'wevna (Na'ke a jellyfish like species) This brilliant forensic medical examiner occasionally wears the victim's skin in order to "see the crime through their eyes." This habit becomes something of a liability when she begins wearing the victim's skin to nightclubs and restaurants.  
-Lord Miles Overstreet (Human): This debonair, mentally-ill aristocrat does not realize that he's his own nemesis, the mad Dr. Craig Kittles ( A prime example of the dramatic situation known as "Sentient vs. Himself").

* * *

**TWO LIBRARIES THAT ARE SMALLER THAN THIS E-BOOK**

_THE TAVLATH MEMORIAL ARCHIVE, NYÖM UNIVERSITY, 4TH SECTION_  
Atop Nyöm University's imposing Tavlath Library the curious will find something incredible: air conditioning vents, and also, a complete model of the great walled city of Snar Nivoti made of platinum. A waist-high Tavlath Memorial Archive stands at its center, and atop that there's yet another perfect model of Snar Nivoti, containing yet another Tavlath Memorial Archive (which, by the way, is the Yama's third largest Tavlath Memorial Archive) is designed to hold a single volume, which contains within its pages the fate of the United Moons, in great detail, through the year 3000 (Please see "Secrets of Nyöm Unversity").

_THE SHEGEJRAHOK MAN COLLECTION_  
In a small binder hidden behind garbage cans on Shuhehadh Avenue and 602nd Way in Snar Nahlü City are collected all of the small religious booklets that've been distributed by the "Shegejrahok Man," a handsome, elderly Left Snayulid Dij cock (male bird) who walks the neighboring streets shouting "Shegejrahok" every day until he grows too hoarse to continue.

* * *

**HANDY MEASURES OF TIME WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A WATCH**

Before it was common to wear a wristwatch, Humans and Aliens alike had to either purchase the correct time at a time parlor or, if they lived in a rural area, wait until the time peddler came to town. After some haggling, the agreed price would be paid, and then the peddler would draw a black curtain back to reveal a clock. Those who couldn't afford that luxury relied instead on simple folk wisdom, deriving these methods of time approximation that you may still find useful.

-It takes exactly five seconds to read this sentence aloud.  
-Find a Cesium-133 atom. It'll take exactly one half hour to oscillate between the two hyperfine levels of its ground state of 16,546,737,186,000 times. Most car dashboards now come equipped with a Cesium-133 atom for just this purpose.  
-A certified speed reader will be able to read this entire e-book in exactly an hour. Certified speed-readers may be contracted in the county clerk's office.  
-Using only the stones and things around you, it'll take you exactly 120 minutes to construct a working sundial.  
-When you realize you should've simply apologized, it'll be exactly 11:50 pm. Needless to say: too late.  
-When driving at night, the ghostly hitchhiker will reappear on the side of the road exactly once per hour, for exactly four hours, before giving up.  
-A "Fortnight Martini," when properly made, won't reach room temperature for fourteen days.  
-If you don't meet them a second time, you'll forget the name and face of everyone you meet within five years.  
-The agave or "century" plant will live for 100 years. Caution: At year 100, it'll come alive and devour the person closest to it.  
-Your average Kajaj (a sentient species from Ledakh-jar which resembles a squid) can live to be 190,000 years old.

* * *

**TIPPING GUIDE TO THE GREAT HOTELS: TO ENSURE PROMPT SERVICE**

Doorman: TIp $2-5 (中4-10) for unloading your luggage.  
Chambermaid: Tip $1-3 (中2-6) per day for room cleaning turn-down service.  
Concierge: Tip $10-20 (中20-40) per day for aiding with social/business itenerary.  
Room Service: Gratuity added on bill, add 5% (10%) for exemplary service.  
Lullaby: Tip $5 (中10) per lullaby. I can't stress this enough: each lullaby deserves its own gratuity. Add $2 (中4) if the lullabulist uses a harp.  
Phrenologist: Tip $5 (中10) per skull fondling.  
House Detective: Tip $20 (中40) per solved crime.  
Muralist: Tip $15 (中40) on top of hotel fee for a full-wall, color pastoral mural; $25 (中60) for a mural depicting the struggles of labor in the twentieth century or the 6th century BC; add an additional 10% (20%) for a trompe l'œil (or vwikr t'lanip).  
24-Hour Magician: TIp $20 (中40) for 40-minute routine; $30 (中60) if demon summoned.  
(Prepare to tip extra for demonic summoning: . )  
Starling Boy: Tip $1 (中2) for chasing starlings from room.  
Porte-a-merde: Tip $5 (中10) a night (Due to indoor plumbing, it's unusual to find a dedicated port-a-merde standing on call to get rid of "leftover dirt" at any hour. However, for older guests, many hotels still provide this service, which generally falls to the starling boy).  
Sculptor: Tip $25 (中60) per bust of self.  
Blesser: Tip $5 (中10) for blessing the room and checking closets for the undead.  
Kam-é-Rayenkó: tip $2-4 (中4-8) for tossing your ringing alarm clock out the airlock into space. Add $4 (中8) for larger items or family members.  
Melancholier: Tip $10 (中20) to have the melancholier help you stop lauging.  
Feral-Turn-Down service: Tip $1-2 (中2-4) to have a bed made on the floor of leaves and dense grasses if you were raised by creatures in the wild.

* * *

Next Chapter: Information You'll Find Useful in the Present Part 2: Jokes that have never Produced Laughter, Government Programs you can take advantage of TODAY!, Bet You Didn't Know This, Basics of Snow and Ice Warfare, Classic Ice and Snowballs, Hints on Building Snow Forts, Diversions for the Asthmatic Child Who can't play in the Snow, Bet You Didn't Know This, Top Spots for Calamari, And Secrets of the Rahaarite Mall

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	7. Tauttiyi Part 1

**WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT TAUTTIYI PART 1**

**TAUTTIYI MATTERS**

They called it the War to End All Wars and The Final War, They called it the London Fire and the Akkümei Inferno, and the Trail of Tears and the Miserable Migration and the Great Depression. But they were all wrong. It was called The Age of Decline, and the Tauttiyi saw it coming.

570 BC, October. The Saddest Day. The 24th day of Ralasij, 2929: the day the Rahaarite Stock Market crashed, instantly wiping out 中60 billion in stock value. Soon after, the Bank of the United Moons would collapse, trapping all inside, many of them orphans. From his spaceyacht in the Hiladan Void, Archduke Thoorit reassured the panicked crowd that only offworlders and the mentally unstable would suffer. But the damage was too great, after a decade of high-flying prosperity, the United Moons' economy fell to the ground and began tunneling to an awful volcanic core of despair, food riots, cloying folk songs, and lava. By March, 600,000 dikei (an applelike fruit) sellers would crowd the streets of Taukimra, desperately refusing to sell any other kind of fruit. But dikei and sellers alike were easy picking...for the Tauttiyi.

My people had been on the Yama since there had been vacant lots and beer, which is to say: since 620 BC. But by 569 BC, an estimated four billion Tauttiyi were residing on the moons taking up a wandering life ("_Tauttiyi_" means "wanderer" in my species' language), skipping moons, picking up work where they could find it, and drinking, huffing kandër, and selling counterfeit movie disks. When Detoxification reigned, the Rahaarite Tauttiyi knew of secret stills and hidden lakes of_ Theresh Zhuglo_ ("kelp beer"). It made them strong and willful, and it made them blind and disfigured, and it spurred them to sing strange guttural songs in croaking voices that haunted the Rahaarite night.

In many ways, they were a nation unto themselves. They had their own currency in the form of _Karsililnaang_ ("small gold pieces")-the ordinary Pikehorn coins onto which they'd intricately carve new words and images, changing the Snayulid head to a picture of a Tauttiyi or changing the Pikehorn into a large Slendermanish being wearing a cloak and fake horns. Another craft was grass-knitting, using scraps of grass or straw to make clothes, which they'd then attempt to sell door to door. They had their own flag, which was identical to the flag of Itsulka (this was either a coincidence or a deliberate attempt to confuse).  
("The Tauttiyi Standard" art/The-Tauttiyi-Standard-390668648)

And they devised a secret language of signs and scrawls used to alert their passing brethren to danger or opportunity. A chisakit sketched on the side of a house meant that religious talk would get your a free meal inside. A picture of a felid meant "a kind woman lives here." But twin plus signs warnede that the local sherrif carried boomerangs, while intersecting squares meant a mean canid slept in the yard and would rise on two legs and whisper secrets if you slept in the bushes.

On some alley walls and outposts you might find a cryptic Tauttiyi translation of the complete text of _Pishakom Lavid_, as that's the Tauttiyi species' favorite novel. And a picture of / (3 slashes) meant that the hour had come: it was time to overthrow the government of the United Moons (see "Some Useful Tauttiyi signs")

When in the spring of 567 BC great masses of unemployed veterans descended upon Shovashme to urge the passing of the Helping Edict, Tauttiyi came with them. Under the leadership of Ukhip Zlevënauhörigdanij, they infiltrated the Bronze Mansion, pocketing _shördëpak_ (a sandwich-like food) and replacing Treasury Secretary Kaprisash Tenaan (a Nitarikit) with one of their own, Thilyer Ukh Thlihandokushäsei. And across the moons they began a coordinated reign of terror: trashing hotel rooms, salting the cropfields, and dancing manic heavy-footed jigs on restaurant floors; while ordinary citizens looked on in horror. In Tikma Gaver, a Tauttiyi woman declared herself Dutchess of All the Central Moons and began demanding tithes. They wanted cheap beer and warm cloth. They wanted bent twigs and pieces of string. They demanded half-barrels of Hääklo sauce, and nobody knew what the fuck they were talking about.

(Treasury Secretary Thilyer Ukh Thlihandokushä art/Treasury-Secretary-Thilyer-Ukh-Thlihandokushae sei-390671750)

At his inauguration in 566 BC, a new crippled Gwayedite archduke named Kharkhaghüdh addressed the nervous croud: "The Rahaarite people are not finish'd yet. In their need they hath call'd upon a demand for immediate action. And so I vow to kill all the Tauttiyi Qoptin, and together we shall eat them alive." It was time for a comprehensive Tauttiyi Eradication Plan called "The Revival."

The archduke acted swiftly. He established the civilian conservation and Tauttiyi Fighting Mezh. He took the Moons of the gem standard, denying the Tauttiyi the use of their precious rings. The Labor Incentive Administartion was created largely as a cover for Kamsadh Falval (a Lolir), photographer by day, Tauttiyi hunter by night. He had only one target: Ukhip Zlevënauhörigdanij. But Zlevënauhörigdanij was slippery, twice eluding the photographer's arrows before disappearing into a ditch or a shrub. Now it was war. The Tauttiyi retaliated by sneaking up behind the Bronze Mansion and howling very loudly. They wrote confusing, illiterate editorials. And they summoned giant dust storms that stalked the moons, eroding topsoil and swallowing small cities whole.

Finally the archduke knew there was only one way to end the Tauttiyi's march across the blighted moons: Polio. Alone in his secret Bronze Mansion lab, Kharkhaghüdh created a concentrated serum of the dreaded disease that would be placed in the moons' water supply by the Mayekha Aquatics Guild. According to his contemporaries, Kharkhaghüdh was tortured by his decision. He knew that a certain number of non-Tauttiyi citizens would spend the rest of their lives in comas as a result of his actions, but it'd finally put a stop to the wandering people-starting at their feet, and ending at the waists.

But then came Petekhdol. Some say Kharkhaghüdh knew the Guhlamites would attack that infamous December 7th. The truth is, he didn't. But the Tauttiyi did. And as the tragic war that followed put a final end to the Age of Decline, so too did it put an end to the Tauttiyi war. Many of my people found patriotism in their hearts, joining the war against a common enemy, others went into hiding or left for Ókólam, and some stayed put, moving quietly from city to city, preparing for the time whein their great bone marrow and Theresh Zhuglo empire will rise again. Is it possible? No, because historians agree they most certainly fought the Vinir and Guhlamites.

But if you live near a slum and listen, it's as if you can still heir them singing-the dark and lonely wind of history still blowing from their rotted lungs.

* * *

**BRIEF LIVES OF SOME NOTABLE TAUTTIYI**

_**DUTCHESS YANTI MOTHLALYÄNËZLEZLIFL, THE STRANGE MAIDEN**_

Every August the Rahaarite Tauttiyi would cease their family wandering to attend the Lunar Tauttiyi Convention in Byazärul, on the Rahaarite moon of Zhiwam (please see "The Moons, Their Nicknames and Mottoes, and Other Facts Critical to Safe Travel") to trade tales and clothes and to elect a Tauttiyi dutchess. Unlike most other species, Tauttiyi women were viewed as equals, even in affairs of leadership. Tauttiyi are great lovers, spending a very long time with their spouses having sex.

This was true enough of the best-known Tauttiyi dutchess, Yanti Mothlalyänëzlezlifl the Strange, who became famous in the Shallëmar (Tauttiyi for "outsider") world as the reticent object of Thala Mannaryaihĕ's (a Kuwainite Avder) affection. Mannaryaihĕ had met her in 590 BC while writing about a Mispashamt fast food restaurant for _The Pulsar_. Mothlalyänëzlezlifl was long-legged and strong, with stabbing red eyes that Mannaryaihĕ wrote "toreth the skin as like a knife of the disease of skepticism. She convert'd me to the damn'd longings I loathe still, but cannot refuse."

They got to talking, and he wooed her with sly talk of Ornithopodes Athigganovagus and Twegeghei (The Byazarese equivalent of Darwin). "It be obvious that my people are reptilian," she replied. "look upon mine tongue, you naïve Avder Kuwainite!"

Mannaryaihĕ secretly went to her coronation in Byazärul in 589 BC, but when he revealed that he'd followed her there, she attempted to behead him with a sword. He continued to chase her periodically over the next five years, but she consistently refused him. Embittered, Mannaryaihĕ wrote a biting essay entitled "The Strange Maiden: The Woman Incapable of Love," which remains the source of many of our myths about Tauttiyi women: that they don't understand the word "kiss"; that their ruthless stubborness misshapes their brains and makes them fear affection; that they raise Zaiwan (a puma-like reptilian predator) as pets and eat them; that they've got incredibly tattooed arms.

Almost none of this was true, of course, and Dutches Yanti, whose arms were clean and whose Zaiwan lived ling, reportedly laughed it off. Mannaryaihĕ, however, regretted his anger for the rest of his life: his 581 BC "_Women's Hon_or" is considered by many scholars to be his apology to his Qoptin love.

_**MIGHRAKHIKLWIJD NESHAV**_

Historically, the Tauttiyi haven't left many records. Those who weren't illiterate were intensely superstitious and especially distrustful of type. Unlike ink or chalk, it couldn't be washed away by rain and time, and thus was considered by the Tauttiyi to be a perversion. My people have considered forgetting to be an honor to the universe, which of course forgets each moment as it passes. And in the makeshift camp-slums called_ nihakhaskirnaang_ ("tent-cities"), it was considered a virtue if you could legitimately and purposefully forget anything you said a week, an hour, a second before. It was for this reason that, while they loathed books, they loved manuscripts, and indeed would often congregate in Moskintal rooms of local Yumans (Kasu'emite temples) to commune with the Old Volumes, the fleeting and forgotten, and also to piss and shit.

The exception was Mighrakhiklwijd Neshav, the Stekonic Tauttiyi poet, who scratched out tales of the vagabond life in the Tauttiyi language on strips of paper made from fish skins and tree bark. Several of them were published, in Thaukaj translation, in 983 BC in _The Stories of the Ages_, a Ledakhite Kaliseshï (Orionid Renaissance) out of Mí'íghgab'hhar, that regularly romanticized the Tauttiyi life. As evidenced in his "Tauttiyi Law," Mighrakhiklwijd's poems offered a rare glimpse into the life and philosophy of the Tauttiyi as a species, and they always, always were written while he was drunk out of his skull.

(Translated by me, Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa)

_A Tauttiyi moveth constantly_  
_Never stopping to change_  
_They take their own paths_  
_I thinketh that women be a man._

_The S'zed and the Sumran doth not compare,_  
_Though S'zed may moveth and the Sumran be a friend_  
_But both be weak of skin._  
_You: Do not fucketh with me!_

_They do not know us,_  
_As we carveth coins and twisteth grass_  
_Into shirts and skirts._  
_I forgot where I left my kids!_

_A Tauttiyi will never steal a thing_  
_Except when he be hungry_  
_Or said thjing be money, stones, or valuable pelts._  
_The people of Guhlam be very wierd!_

_But it bringeth me great sorrow, for they who doth not journey_  
_A jot, but stand and die of weakness_  
_As the stars flyeth and discardeth_  
_The past, and hope, and faith, and pride._  
_We go in only one direction_  
_Never looking back behind us_  
_The Tauttiyi forever moveth around._  
_I will fucketh anything that moveth!_

The Tauttiyi themselves, however, hated Mighrakhiklwijd for committing their guttural language to type and internet, and _the Ages_ recieved several angry letters, all of them death threats written in blood or urine, many of them on fire or rigged with faulty envelope bombs. Mighrakhiklwijd died in a Yoshran village in 962 BC. His last published word, a letter to the Qhwyapyed Shutalam: "Many say to me that I hath dishonor'd my species by writing my native tongue. All I can sayth is: at least it be not Puliik poetry."

_**DOLAIKH SHIVAZ**_

Young Shivaz Kshethyüklashöm, of Olenahj, on Khlasvarid Lozhma-jar, was an itenerant steelworker and Qoptin poet for years before emigrating to the Yama and becoming a famous film and television star. As a merchant, he took the name "Mahegh Shivaz" and was known for hosting Tauttiyi Stomp-kick dances on his enormous ship. He was drawn to the stage in the late 560s BC, when Tauttiyi were enjoying something of a vogue on Tashkish, starring in such Tauttiyi-themed shows as _Sojourners!_ and A _Camp named Desire_. Later in his career, he became the Rahaarite Passage spokesperson, immortalizing the line "Don't leave without it, especially if ye wish to forever lead a nomad's life on the hard Tauttiyi path, dodging beasts and sleeping in makeshift tent cities and eating only insects, guts, and freedom."

Shebas Eravshtar (a Lolir), his young costar in _The Kaahu Yelshek Streets_. recalled once that Shivaz would often take him aside and encourage a life of nomadism on the young star.

As Eravshtar told _The Avalanche_ in 520 BC: "Shivaz said once to me, "Come with me, my friend! Let us abandon all this star shit and travel beyond the stars!" But that was never my intention, and he knew it. And then Shivaz would gaze at the sky, with a look of sadness. I once thought he was just looking in drunk stupor the way travelling people do. Now I think he was looking at the scenery, angry that it wasn't from a ship's deck."

**_THILYER UKH THLIHANDOKUSHÄSEI_**

A trusted friend of Duke Ukhip Zlevënauhörigdanij, Thlihandokoshäsei was the only Tauttiyi to serve as Treasury Secretary (or indeed any political position) of the United Moons. While he held office for only 44 days, he managed to institute a few policies still on the books today: the repeal of the Sword Tax, for example, as well as the Creation of the alternative minimum tax; his Tauttiyi signature, a picture of a snake eating a bug, is still found on certain collective runs of chain tag banknotes. A quiet, concace-faced man, he by all acounts took his brief tenure very seriously. While his Tauttiyi protectors held parties in his office (which are said to have attracted some of the younger members or the Treasury staff). Thlihandokoshäsei kept to himself, nude, meticulously drawing designs onto his only suit of clothes by the light of a pile of burning papers. Only when this task was complete did he announce his most sweeping reform:

(The Tauttiyi art/Tauttiyi-Poster-390713570)  
"From this moment, all shallt be allow'd to supplement their coffers by making their own coins-Tauttiyi style-out of existing coins, or wood, or any thing they can find. These shallt be legal tender. Other coins shallt be mint'd by the government. But chain-coins are open to all Rahaarites." Those who heard these words over the sound of the _lukhaitrami_ (lutelike instrument) and Tauttiyi-language singing dismissed it as nonsense, and for good reason, and Thilhandokushäsei and his ilk were soon scoured from the Treasury by Thoorit's robot militia.

(Mij'zar Thoorit with Dream-Thieving Machine: art/Mij-zar-Thoorit-with-Dream-Thieving-Machine-39 0715441)

(Thoorit's cadre of fighting robots was but one of the amazing technological advances he obtained from the visionary Ablite inventor Pestaun Dache. By the 560s BC, Dache lived in near poverty, having endured a mottled career of success and heartbreaking failure. He never gained patent or credit for his discovery of the satellite radio or gamma rays; and his long battle with his former mentor, the Martian Malkod-Kra, over which was the best biofuel-Dache's Bacllynol or Malkod-Kra's Protistol-had culminated in a giant lightning fight that'd left him scarred both physically and emotionally. Thoorit might've revived Dache's reputation. But he saw a colder (though admittedly more cost-effective) path in stealing ideas directly from Dache's dreams. As Dache slept, Thoorit sent agents into his room at the Mighaj-Bekali-jar equipped with one of the Dache's own Dream-coilos, and thus gained the secrets to the Long-Range Death Ray, the Robot Snake, the Ultra-Car, the Hover-City, and many more revolutionary devices. Thoorit was glad of them when the Tauttiyi attacked. But in the twilight of his archduchy, wary of how history would judge a dream-thief, he ordered all of the prototypes and their designs destroted. They're now gone forever.)

But most economists agree that the Coins be Free Plan would've swiftly solved the Age of Decline, and in fact is used today on Snayul-jar's moons, which, ironically, is where the Tauttiyi originated (on the moon of Kwaaikrej), where the concave face of Thlihandokoshäsei still stares out from many homemade ten-kiji pieces.

_**BOGMAN SHAM**_

Not actually a Tauttiyi, but a leathery, preserved one-thousand-year-old Tauttiyi corpse that was carried around by the Tauttiyi Trugvüzdolvan Vlav (a "trugvüzdolvan", or "fire-drooler" is a Tauttiyi known for drinking alcohol and breathing it into a torch, as opposed to a dihildolvan, or "spike-spitter,"). It's unclear how Vlav came into possession of Sham, but they never parted, and Vlav credited the Bogman for helping him give up Kandërim, although Vlav often said this while high. Sham was by all accounts a handsome corpse, though his face was moldy and had been somewhat flattened by the centuries he spent in the peat bog that prevented his complete decay. Most agree he was probably the victim of a ritual murder by ancient Chitikh druids, who hated Tauttiyi.

**_UKHIP ZLEVËNAUHÖRIGDANIJ_**

The most famous modern-day Rahaarite Tauttiyi duke, Ukhip Zlevënauhörigdanij, was born Boghwadmei Wa. Plathlye'azwet II on Shovashme's birthday, 589 BC, to a Tauttiyi entrepreneur and his wife in Aruhéth, on Snar Nahlü.

On the child's third birthday, Boghwadmei Wa. Plathlye'azwet I discovered three Tauttiyi nomads on his porch in the still blue light of morning. With a friendliness he'd come to regret, he gave them steak and fresh milk.

The Tauttiyi thanked him and explained that they were looking for the reincarnation of their dead Tauttiyi duke, Thilyer-Gloktighi Hadäukaryën Dolaikh Laiyashir. The nomads' blind canid, Anyäsh, was a duke sniffer, they said, one of dozens of canids the Tauttiyi bred to track down the new duke, and so Anyäsh had led them to this city.

"But you haven't a canid," noted Boghwadmei I.

The three nomads looked back and fourth at one another sheepishly. Anyäsh had left them there to check out another house, they said. And now they were cold-could they come in and warm their feet by the fire? The whole story seemed suspicious. But again taking pity, Boghwadmei I admitted them. That's when they first saw Boghwadmei II sitting upon the stair, fashioning with little hands a miniature cane and wearing full tattoo-markings. The Tauttiyi nomads immediately knelt before him.

As Boghwadmei II's father and now his mother, Middh, watched, uncomprehending, the Tauttiyi arrayed upon the stair a selection of junk and bric-a-brac from a bag. The Tauttiyi instictively identified the three items that had belonged to the dead duke: a kandër box full of dead lizards, a chain of magnetic clips, and a sturmbeest bone. The nomads wrote upon the wall in Tauttiyi, and the child quickly deciphered the code, speaking aloud the old Tauttiyi saying: "Dutchesses be Crowned, but Dukes are born again." And so he was.

The Tauttiyi explained that they wished to take the child to Byazärul and make him their duke. He'd be happy, cared for, and beloved, they assured his parents, he'd never have to bathe, they promised, and they could still see their son, from time to time, if they went to the encampments and kept their distance. In addition to all this, they said, they could also offer the family a very fine grass shirt.

Boghwadmei I stuttered a dry protest: he had worked all his life to put his Tauttiyi nomad past behind him and make a sedentary lifestyle for his family-he wouldn't see his son taken to take part in some backward nomad royalty. But Middh Plathlye'azwet saw plainly the sad destiny that awaited her child in Aruhéth: a life of comfort and ease, free of torment, but also adventureless, a life spent always in a restaurant, and never on the move. Mrs. Plathlye'azwet herself had wanted to be a nomad and had dreamed once of aimless high journeys through bright Twatkite mountains stopping occasionally at dusk in small towns to drink potent homemade _Firamŏksht_ and to sing all night with Avder men who'd admire her twangy voice and long legs. But instead she married and now drank only Chishodh Yemak and bad ale and sorrow. And so she agreed to let her child become duke, but only on the condition that she could accompany and educate him. Boghwadmei I, whose life seemed so sure and pleasant only hours before, now watched as his wife and son marched into the pale morning fog. Don't pity him overly: This is how chance operates-quickly and cruelly. And plus, he recieved a nice warm shirt.

The child took a new name of his own invention, Ukhup Zlevënauhörigdanij. In time he sprouted to 10'9", as did his beard. As duke, his duties were largely ceremonial: to open the yearly Tauttiyi convetion, to maintain and raise the royal herd of viperwolves, to marry, to die, and then to be reincarnated. But he became much more. A vibrant and handsome young man, Zlevënauhörigdanij became the closest thing the Rahaarite Tauttiyi ever had to a public figure. The media loved him and boys' magazines and websites built him up into a folk hero, claiming that he was a twenty-foot tall cannibal who ate 1,000 people a day. By the age of 20, Zlevënauhörigdanij began spinning an even taller tale-nothing less than a coup against the Yama government: "The greatest grasswork ever woven," he called it, "the greatest plunder of all."

Middh Plathlye'azwet Thilyerhadzmikstilu, as she came to be known, meanwhile grew into a revered figure herself, the godmother of the Tauttiyi. She taught the Tauttiyi math and cooking, and she tended to their spirits when they were sullen, which was often. Then in 563 BC, she was struck by an arrow from the bow of the Lolir Kamsadh Falval, a government agent. This was effectively the end of the Tauttiyi Empire, for thereafter, Zlevënauhörigdanij gave up his coup and became obsessed with vengeance.

As the Tauttiyi wars raged across the moons, Falval and Zlevënauhörigdanij hunted each other, finally meeting face-to-face in 558 BC on the moon of Savra-jar. Their fighting shook the plains and they rumbled on, and the bloodied foes grappled and bit and slashed at each other. Zlevënauhörigdanij's 22 ribs were shattered, his viperwolves had all died defending him; and now Kamsadh had his bow and arrow aimed hard at Ukhip's throat as he chased him through the crowds of Kaahu Yelshek's Snar Daris-jar. But Zlevënauhörigdanij, according to Tauttiyi legend, just smiled and disappeared into the crowd.

He was never seen again, which led the boy's magazines and websites to speculate that Ukhip was never beat at all and that the fight was all a distraction. He was just buying time for the rest of the Tauttiyi to escape to Ókólam.

A curious epilogue: Anyäsh, the blind Tauttiyi canid, did in fact exist, and back on that February morning in 589 BC, he did indeed sniff out the reincarnation of Thilyer-Gloktighi Hadäukaryën Dolaikh Laiyashir-several blocks away from the Plathlye'azwet house. The_ true_ heir to the Tauttiyi throne was, it turns out, a thuggish Tauttiyi named Neshav Kshethyü, making Zlevënauhörigdanij's reign an incredible, if provident, error. The boy's markings, apparently, were just a coincidence.

For his part, Kshethyü went on to tell Tauttiyi stories on the Internet under the screenname Ahakshetham Nesh, though he himself was never a nomad and, despite his lineage, is considered now to be the original Tauttiyi blogger.

* * *

Next Chapter: What You Didn't Know About Tauttiyi Part 2: 700 Tauttiyi Names

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	8. Tauttiyi Part 2

**WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT TAUTTIYI PART II**

**FIFTY TAUTTIYI NAMES**

There are those who admire my species for their lifestyle of wanderlust and torn clothing. I don't understand these people and I can't stop them. But I can say that if you do decide to start ship and/or land caravans, you should choose for yourself a Tauttiyi moniker. Here are fifty more known historical Tauttiyi whose names you can steal. You shouldn't feel guilty about this. My people would steal _your_ name without hesitation. If they could manage it, they'd steal_ your_ reflection from the mirror and sell it to the surface of a moonlit pond. And then they'd drain the pond just for the hell of it.

If you wish you may append your Tauttiyi name with "-ëzlevlidl" (son), "-ëzlezlifl" (daughter), II (Romla, 2) , and "-ëzle" (child of), after the customk of the more honorable Tauttiyi, bearing in mind that the more honorable Tauttiyi tended (and sometimes still are) to be killed on sight (mostly on Godgumdajd-jar)

You may also use these names if you're having a child. It doesn't necessarily mean that they'll be become nomads!  
The names are shown with their English Translation.

1. Skonaglezläiklwijd Semmendzen (Stewmaker Semmendzen)  
2. Thashëd ho Nethl (Spider the Egg)  
3. Zhanshim ho Jlarëlklwijdshakltämtlilajonjë (Zhanshim the Expert Dreamtwister)  
4. Ho K'chaa (The K'chaa)  
5. Delzhan Zlevënauklwijd (Delzhan Stinker)  
6. Delzhan Zlevënauklwijdëzle (Delzhan child-of Stinker)  
7. B'zaai Thohar Shambëzür Timnanwam (Lord Thohar Still-standing)  
8. Kothash Malkod-Khava (Kothash son of-good)  
9. Qattik Qattik ho Ëzle'urël Kandya Trugvüzwam (Qattik Qattik the Kid whose tendrills burn)  
10. Jadhlyöwamyaslannang Se'Tobek (Whispering Lies Se'Tobek)  
11. Tik Beghegh (Nit Louse)  
12. Tha'ar Zozishamt Kiikii  
13. Tauttiyi Kek (Tauttiyi Zero)  
14. Ho Tanaboklitedhyëp Osnë (The Silver-shirted man)  
15. Hyanzitavl Hakhillil Falvaz (Shoulders Small-tooth Falvaz)  
16. Shinhanstilu Vlidlhanstilu Kanvav (Sistery Brothery Kanvav)  
17. Akhmü Swishli (Name withheld/hidden)  
18. Sarju ho Sharchu (Sarju the Sharchu)  
19. Zaskyar Fashakër ho Wivilëpavumklwijd (Zaskyar Fashakër the Tree-surgeon)  
20. Thlihandokudram Hwääm (Crapnose Hwääm)  
21. B'zaai Malkod-Khor (Mr. Malkod-Khor)  
22. Klähöm Zlakkin (Klähöm Dangle)  
23. Feshis Gomegsimik (Feshis-Stoop-tail)  
24. Laghur Oloj Shambëzür Solatakhyezhneitladhl (Ruthless Oloj Nineteen-Toes)  
25. Khaiwachridhi Olkok (Normal-faced Olkok)  
26. Shilankubi Kanzijhoz Gomeg (Tearbaby Kanzijhoz Stoop)  
27. Ho Sau'ikwal Thomsiwaj (The Damn'd Thomsid)  
28. Meshtun Hadäutzayönil (Meshtun Metal-hat)  
29. Flama Kalim Karhidvizlaklyukus (Old Kalim Stab-you-quick)  
30. B'zaai Hanna (Mr. Hanna)  
31. Sakhlan Miküshamt Oran  
32. Tlilasimik Faleb ho Akromëgoshaklwijd (Twisttail Faleb the Akroma Sufferer)  
33. Holilä Kehaarstilu Jahuldek (Sweet Daddy Jahuldek)  
34. Thilyer Failük Soshidipit (Chieftain Failük Scoffdipit)  
35. Dartish ho Kambonkaryënutnam (Dartish the Birdheaded Idiot)  
36. Arved'zürhakhil Bisal (50-tooth Bisal)  
37. Muhan ho Muhanosnë (Muhan, the Muhan-man)  
38. Dosadh ho Kakablklwijd (Dosadh the Cobbler)  
39. Shuihwodhtogganklwijd Dorinnlisladzok (Balloon-popper Dorinnlisladzok)  
40. Madhorpetyinpritnashik Dadhin Utnamshët (All-but-dissertation Dadhin Dummychuck)  
41. Fötayi Sakh (Fötic Sakh)  
42. Lowanjyi Sakh (Lowenjic Sakh)  
43. Shallëmar Uratha ho Konerjadhliklwijd (Stranger Uratha the Strange-speaker)  
44. Kagashnihakh Kardule isl Ëzlevlidlwaj (Roadhouse Kardule and sons)  
45. Naillagasterëklwijd Faleb Koldidh (Jokestealer Faleb Koldidh)  
46. Flebdlayakh Gloktem ho Hadäutompër (Flebdayakh, Master of the Metal-rope)  
47. Lishenij Khor Sheki'ötlë ho Tauttiyi Namyasikklwijd (Dr. Khor Stainbeard the Tauttiyi medic)  
48. Mahegh Ilam (Ship Iwam)  
49. Mahegh Shev (Ship Shev)  
50. Mahegh [sic] Mandelav Andzel (Ship Mandelav Andzel)

* * *

Next Chapter: Some Useful Tauttiyi Signs

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	9. Tauttiyi Part 3

**WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT TAUTTIYI PART 3**

**SOME USEFUL TAUTTIYI SIGNS**  
(Note: to see the pics associated with this fic, check my DA account and type in Great Truths of the Stars and you'll find better links ther : / / . )  
Aside from the gutteral and phlegmy Tauttiyi language, the Tauttiyi generally speak the language of whatever planet they reside on (Byazarese and Nitarikit for Byazar, Rahaaral, Ókólam, etc., Lozhman for the Lozhman Empire, English for Earth). But we prize our secrecy, and more, we love confusing others, even other Tauttiyi. And so we often talk in a code called "Ashkej Fedzël" ("String Speak") that some romantic xenolinguists take to be an actual pidgin language influenced by many outside languages. This mistake's understandable: It's not uncommon for two Tauttiyi from different clans and tribes to have long conversations in Ashkej Fedzël, and for these conversations to lead to shouting, roaring, tears, bloodshed, and finally passion, even though neither party knows what the other's saying.

But if they lack a true pidgin, our species do share a written language, a system of glyphs supplanted with the Tauttiyi alphabet scrawled on signs and fences and fence posts as greetings (or warnings) from one Tauttiyi to the next. The symbols themselves are crude-usually just a few carvings or paint lines. This simplicity makes them easier to recall by the journey-addled Tauttiyi, and largely invisible to Shallëmarwaj (outsiders).

But the alert traveller may catch sight of a secret message that hasn't yet been erased by the elements. They draw a crude portrait of the Tauttiyi life, his or her interests, fears, and preoccupations, especially with the occult.

_"Good Source of Fresh Grass"_  
( art/Good-Source-of-Fresh-Grass-398533619?ga_submit _new=10%253A1378505819)

_"Flynn-Fletcher House"_  
art/Flynn-Fletcher-Family-398563948?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378515141

_"Garcia-Shapiro House"_  
art/Garcia-Shapiro-House-398568515?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378516490

_"Tjinder House"_  
art/Tjinder-House-398572867?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378517991

_"Buford's House"_  
art/Buford-s-House-398574179?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378518268

_"Hirano House"_  
art/Hirano-House-398578863?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378519849

_"Brown House"_  
art/Brown-House-398580484?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378520413

_"Doofenshmirtz House"_  
art/Doofenshmirtz-House-398582802?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378521084

_"Eliza's House"_  
art/Eliza-s-House-398584809?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378521682

_"Jeremy's House"_  
art/Jeremy-s-House-398585931?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378522031

_"Coltrane's House"_  
art/Coltrane-s-House-398586687?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378522269

_"Curtez's House"_  
art/Curtez-s-House-398587587?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378522607

_"Myles' House"_  
art/Myles-House-398588567?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378522847

_"Damon's House"_  
art/Damon-s-House-398589638

_"An Avder Woman Lives Here Who Loves Triangles"_  
art/Avder-Woman-Triangles-398590966?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378523684

_"Great Place to Just Mellow Out"_  
art/Great-Place-to-Just-Mellow-Out-398592579?ga_su bmit_new=10%253A1378524225

_"Here Lozhmans Tell You to Fuck Off"_  
art/Hateful-Lozhmans-398749226?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378586431

_"Karsililnaang Accepted Here"_  
art/Karsililnaang-Accepted-Here-398752550?ga_submi t_new=10%253A1378587298

_"Keep Quiet, Especially about Lizards"_  
art/Ix-nay-on-the-Izards-lay-398756776?ga_submit_n ew=10%253A1378590310

_"Good Flow Charts Here"_  
art/Good-Flow-Charts-Here-398766078?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378590828

_"Here Lives a Rich Man"_  
art/Here-Lives-a-Rich-Man-398767389?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378591180

_"Here Lives a Gentleman"_  
art/Here-Lives-a-Gentleman-398768319?ga_submit_new =10%253A1378592350

_"The Toilets in this Town are Messy"_  
art/Bad-Toilets-398772772?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378592699

_"There's an Awesome Hedge Maze in this Town"_  
art/Bad-Toilets-398774126?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378593089

_"Watch Out! Bay Patrolled by trained sharks"_  
art/Trained-Sharks-398776638?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378593741

_"This House's Well-Guarded"_  
art/Defended-House-398778052?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378594283

_"This House Looks Strangely Familiar"_  
art/Familiar-House-398779631?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378594560

_"This House's Bigger on the Outside than it is on the Inside"_  
art/Small-Big-House-398780807?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378594903

_"Here's a Chant Zone"_  
art/Here-s-a-Chant-Circle-398781706?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378595197  
Some Tauttiyi claim to be able to psychically communicate in order to summon weather, signal for aid, bring about misfortune and impotence, or merely gossip, but only so long as they stand on certain natural psychic hot spots. Some have speculated that the Tauttiyi's chief desire is to visit all of these spots in the galaxy, with the belief that when he or she has done so, the Tauttiyi will be transported to Thosalwe (Kasu'emite heaven). This Kasu'emite heaven is reputed to be a beautiful temperate planet of fruit trees and lakes of milk.

_"Good Insects Here"_  
art/Good-Insects-Here-398782922?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378595562  
Since my species have the power, in sufficient number, to summon insect swarms via group telepathy (allegedely), good sources of insects are marked with this ideogram.

_"It's Time to Overthrow the Government of the United Moons"_  
art/Uprising-on-the-Yama-398783964?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378595938  
This sign had never been seen before May 7, 567 BC, when it suddenly appeared on fences and on the doors of malls across the moons, and in stranger, bolder places as well: carved into sandwiches at fast food restaurants, painted on policemen's backs, and most famously, stamped into a Dzusyite crop field on such an enormous scale that it was reputed to be seen by the archduke in his chopper, 146 feet above the moon. Mij'zar was said to have been so unnerved by the sight that he dropped the giant steak he was gnawing and in a thin voice exclaimed, "The time hath come: The Qoptin shall kill us all." He began constructing his robotic militia the next day.

_"Uranus"_  
art/Uranus-398785351?ga_submit_new=10%253A1378596257  
This is the astrological symbol for Uranus, though it's only recently been adopted by the Tauttiyi. Discovered by humanity in 1781 but furst discovered by the Ryagdöm in 915 BC, Uranus upended the human belief that the Solar System terminated at Saturn, and thus it came to symbolize the breaking of the old Earth ideologices and the rejection of orthodoxy; in pan-species astrology, it's the ruling planet of occultists, inventors, and dropouts. But my species likes it because it looks funny and because it sounds funny.

* * *

Next Chapter: Further Information You Can Use Today Part 1: Five Secrets of Successful Negotiation, How to Win a Fight, Short Words For Use on Cloakships to Preserve Air, and Some Earth And Rahaarite Telephone Numbers beginning with "666" and "1442".

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thedoraemons7: Tauttiyi don't speak Albanian, although our language does incorporate the same umlaut-topped "ë" sound as Albanian. Tauttiyi is an extraterrestial language, whilst Albanian (Shqip/Tosk) is a member of the Illyrian Branch of the Indo-European family. The Tauttiyi "j" is pronounced like the "j" in "jam", while the Albanian "j" is pronounced like the "y" in "yard" or "Yar" ("Jar" hehe). Albanian does have a j-sound, but in that language it's represented by "Xh" (Hoxha, Gonxha). Both languages are very wierd indeed.


	10. Info You Can Use Today Part 1

**FURTHER INFORMATION YOU CAN USE TODAY PART I**

**FIVE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATION**

I consulted several prominent, if unnamed, business leaders (both alien and human) to compile these simple, commonsense negotiating tips. If you have trouble memorizing them, picture the words in your mind. Picture them in an elegant font or alphabet, and now picture them at the bottom of a corporate inspirational poster of the kind you see in a catalogue on an airplane, the kind that features beautiful photographs of wolves or valhalladons (a wolflike predator native to many Rahaarite moons) or soaring eagles or flying kinamingan (hawklike predator native to Avder-jar) or golf courses or _käfaki_ (golflike sport) courses. Now you'll remember them. Now they're unforgettable.

1. A prominent Avder-Rahaarite attorney writes: "Remember that as a negotiator, you're first and foremost a mental warrior. _Think like a ninja or a Guhlamite bajli_. But note, it's not appropriate to dress like a ninja or bajli." (Note: it is acceptable to dress like a Samura or Guhlamite iskemdeb.)

2. A respected human salesman suggests: "In any negotiation, the very first words out of your mouth should be 'That's my final offer.' Use this starting point to then try to convince the other party that time's moving backward. Things will go much easier this way. If this gambit fails, however, you should deny saying anything at all."

3. A renowned Byazarese Martian entrepreneur recommends: "Repeatedly ask to speak to the decision-maker. If the other party claims to be the decision-maker, begin intimidation technique one: silently stand, and then lift your shirt to reveal your pistol (or, alternatively, your samurai or iskemdeb sword)."

4. A bestselling human author on the subject of "negotiation" reminds: "Negotiation requires compromise. Each party must gain something, and each must give something up. Before you begin your negotiation, privately consider what you're willing to give away. Now gather all of that and put it in a sack. Hide the sack in a secure location, such as a cave that's laced with explosives that you can detonate by remote control. Take the remote control in with you to the negotiation. As any experienced negotiator knows, in order to succeed, you must be willing to walk away from the deal at any moment, and then blow up the cave. Note: The sack should be made of velvet."

5. A former professional Darisite literary agent advises: "If you're negotiating face-to-face, be sure to separate the room first into 'power zones.' the classic five zones are: Rock, Fire, Air, and Double Stinger. Use colored masking tape to demarcate the zones, but be sure to purify the tape first by passing it through a cloud of incense or burying it in fertile ground for ten days. Cast runes or glyphs to determine where your prime negotiation postion's located for that day. Don't let anyone else touch your runes. Attempt to maneuver the other party into the zone that the runes favor. This is what the humans call 'getting him just where you want him.' Ignore the old adage that it's best to negotiate from a position of strength. Recent studies prove that it's always best to negotiate from Double Stinger.

_(Ready for Negotiation: : / / a au s h . a r t / G u h - - 38 ? w= 10 % )_

* * *

**HOW TO WIN A FIGHT**

Sometimes, sadly, negotiation fails, and that's when fighting begins. I'm not exactly proud to report that I've had some experience in this field as well.  
For while I'm now a very quiet person, as my clan's PR manager, I'm involved in many fights, as well as several imbroglios and two major clan feuds, and throughout all of these conficts, I was always the victor. I'm basically invincible. I don't mean to gloat, but whether it's a fistfight, a swordfight, a gunfight, or test of wills, I always seem to win, and people naturally wanna know how this can be. The answer's very simple, and I'm pleased to share it with you now: I've got a _system for winning_. And it has three steps.

_STEP 1: ALWAYS MAKE EYE CONTACT_. If you turn away, you show fear. Even if your enemy's not in the same room, you should always be making eye contact, preferably for an hour or longer. Once you've made eye contact for twenty-five minutes or so, go ahead and growl. This is very intimidating. You may have noticed that Giyal Malkod-Faleb, the Lolir/Touno hybrid wrestler and actor known as "Cchag Gheth" (Martian for "the mountain") uses this trick all the time. And in fact, I taught him how to do it in 2537.

_STEP 2: GO AHEAD AND USE HENCHMEN_. I know everyone wants to fight his/her own battles, but in this day and age, it's simply unnecessary and actually sort of frowned upon. Especially when there are so many skilled henchmen who're out of work. I also recommend buying your henchmen jackets with a picture of the first letter of your name embroidered on the back. My feeling is that if it's good enough for the Joker, it should be good enough for you.

_(Historical Fisticuffs: : / n . d a r t / - F - ? = 1 0 % 45 2 4 ) _

_STEP 3: I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: RUN LOTS OF ATTACK ADS_. This has always worked for me. Some people say that these ads are just negative smears and bad for our galaxy. I say that these people have voted to raise taxes ninety-five times and are probably from Kwatlaklama. In fact, a certain online magazine recently ranked these people the number-one "most incorrect" and "probably telonakist (communist)" people on Kwatlaklama, and the number-one "most personally against" Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa. So who are you gonna trust? Me? Or the probably Telonakist Kwatlaklama residents who're against me?  
I've run about 1,000 attack ads this year, and I expect that I'll buy even more air time next year, because my enemies are getting stronger. As a template for your own efforts, I'm happy to provide for you here, for the first time in print, the scripts of three of my most successful attack ads.

ATTACK AD #1

_"Borderline irresponsible..."_  
That's what friends of Yartha'yajknaush "Yar" Tavdhladleklwa are saying about Buford Van Stomm.  
Last weekend, Buford Van Stomm agreed to look in on Yar Tavdhladleklwa's Viperwolves when he was on Enktolari, on the Ókólamite moon of Yarunk.  
The fact is: He didn't. Even though the record shows that Van Stomm has his own pet (a goldfish), so he obviously know how to take care of one.  
_Cat got your tongue, Mr. Van Stomm?_  
Yar Tavdhladleklwa's a better choice. When Yar Tavdhladleklwa found a stray dog on Danville's 6th street last week, he worked tirelessly to find it a home.  
He even took it to the vet for a checkup.  
Fact is, Yar Tavdhladleklwa's working hard for animals:_ all animals_. Not just the ones he owns.  
_"Borderline irresponsible..."_  
_"Doesn't add up..."_  
_"Cat got your tongue..."_  
Does Buford Van Stomm sound like someone you want to pet-sit for you?  
Henrietta Pussycat Says, _"Meow meow meow meow, NO FUCKIN' WAY, meow meow meow."_

I ran this next ad a few years ago when I was taking a former neighbor of mine to court for not paying his back rent, which I then had to pay.

ATTACK AD #2

_What's going on with Lalom Shebaskal?_  
When Yar Tavdhladleklwa needed a subletter for his Nihakh, Shebaskal said he was the man for the job.  
But his résumé tells a different story.  
Turns out, Shebaskal wasn't just a local waiter, but also a hypnotist.  
_Say what?_  
And it turns out, Lalom Shebaskal also goes by the name LAL SHAMT  
_Run that by me again?_  
What Shebaskal doesn't want you to know is that when he skipped out on $1,200 worth of back rent, Tavdhladleklwa's father described Shebaskal as a "moocher" and said that Shebaskal had been caught masturbating out of the window on _two separate occasions._  
_Cat out of the bag, Mr. Shebaskal?_  
Yar Tavdhladleklwa's a better choice. He's never practiced hypnosis, never used an alias, and has masturbated out of a window only once.  
_Moocher..._  
_Masturbator..._  
_Hypnotist..._  
Grant Yar Tavdhladleklwa a summary judgment against Mr. Shebaskal and let him move on with his life.  
After all, it's time to reach out and unite our galaxy. Not _masturbate out a window._

And here's another, an ad I ran on the Darisite-Byazarese colony of Kab Leng, on vacation with my girlfriend, Eliza, on my 17th birthday.

ATTACK AD #3

_1,400 Lyosolëra_  
That's how much the Preshembë Hotel on Kab Leng demanded as a deposit to cater Yar Tavdhladleklwa's birthday in 2537.  
_1,400 Lyosolëra_  
That's how much it cost to reserve the main dining room, which the Preshembë Hotel said could hold 400 people.  
Fact is, the Preshembë would be lucky if the dining room could hold 200 people.  
Fact is,_ the Preshembë lied_, and when Yar Tavdhladleklwa asked for his deposit back, the Preshembë Hotel suddenly stopped returning his calls.  
_1,400 Lyosolëra_  
Is that the going rate..._for a swindle?_  
_1,400 Lyosolëra_  
Or is that money the Preshembë needs to house a coven of evil wizards?  
_Small..._  
_Greedy..._  
_Doesn't return phone calls..._  
The Preshembë Hotel: Is it full of wizards?

I hope this has proved instructive. Naturally, these messages have been paid for by the friends of Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa, and they've been approved by me, Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa.

* * *

**SHORT WORDS FOR USE ON CLOAKSHIPS TO PRESERVE AIR.**

_Kacchaja-Kemmik-ë cchag Jede_ (Martian): Chief of the Ship

_Dokend-Dodeng Kend_ (Nitarikit): a favorite snack among cloakshippers, as they make no noise when eaten.

_Dhazh-Dhazhib'i-ë Cchag Yaswa_ (Martian)-Control of the Cloak: under_ Patshityotë_, he who has "the_ Dhazh_" need not relenquish it until he's ready. Thereafter, "the_ Dhazh_" automatically goes to_ kaihijit_ or whomever's put a coin on the screen.

_Patshityotë-Panrif shu Tauninil_ (Nitarikit)-Code of Space: an unofficial and unwritten code of cloakship conduct. While some precepts are universally accepted (i.e., "a cloakshipper never climbs a mountain"; "a cloakshipper who kills a sun-person shall raise that sun-person's children"; "a cloakshipper never opens the windows"), others are simply made up on the spot in an effort to confuse _kashasakas_ ("a senior cloakshipper has the right to confiscate all hidden jewels belonging to a junior cloakshipper").

_Daikkarane_ (Nitarikit): The Staff Creative Writing Counselor.

_Zabes_ (Martian): Any cloakshipper who's seen by his colleagues to embody the poignant fortitude of the Ralache Zabes character in the science-fiction film_ Quiet Flight_.

_Lomadidlir-La Mat Didlim Matishir_ (Nitarikit): Don't wear shoes. A common general order when the _geröt_ is _dhaza_.

_Yenikacchaja_ (Martian): The chief of the ship's indentical twin brother (archaic). Identical twins were considered to be good luck aboard early cloaking vessels, and were often placed in positions of authority so as to intimidate unruly spacers by seeming to be in several places at once. To this end, and also because it was amusing, they usually dressed alike. Yamaja prohibited identical twin brothers from traveling on the same cloakship after the Baryeshu Tragedy, when the Yama cloaker Bazagril Lahulam ("Hidden Purpose") was crushed by a _gekzanlinpat_ in 546 BC. The _Kacchaja_, Sheb Baryeshu (a Lolir), was only fourteen years old when he succumed to the creature's powerful tentacles and/or claws. By horrible coincidence, his identical twin brother and_ Yenikacchaja_, Erav Baryeshu, also died that very day, on the same doomed cloakship, while wearing the same clothes.

_Gekzanlinpat-Gyavidïl zane lon Pisht_i (Nitarikit): Giant Squid and/or Pishti): Passive sonar's notoriously unable to distinguish between these two creatures. A dangerous indistinction, as the giant squid's a peaceful creature that's also delicious.

_Pali Krima_ (Martian): a general order for cloakshippers to sit on one another's laps.

_Kashasaka_ (Martian)-_Kliki shooitna'aam semshabri kemignadin_ (Just another fucking oxygen breather): A rookie cloakshipper.

_Kaihijit_ (Nitarikit): The ship's captain, also known as the "_tafai_" or the "examiner".

_Ma_ (Martian): _Mokhayin_ (Screamer): Because the screaming was easily detected by the sonar of enemy cloakships, these once-favored pets are no longer allowed on cloakships. This word's now come to mean any contraband.

_Dhaza_ (Martian): _Dhoshog zevik_ (Quiet Flight). A general call for silence on a cloakship when it's attempting to evade sonar. Named after the cloakshippers' favorite movie.

_Yas_ (Martian/Nitarikit): This term's frowned upon by seasoned cloakship personnel (cloakshippers). Instead say "_Yaswa_" or "_Geröt_".

_Zanshofikte_-(Nitarikit) _Zarem Nahikt Shofkambe_ (Planet dwellers despised)

_Yama Bouzhen_ (Martian): Yama sauce, a cloakshipper's paycheck.

_Yamaja_ (Martian/Nitarikit) _Yotek Mo'rar Jeterek_ (United Moons Navy)

_Vavama_ (Martian/Nitarikit) _Avashlanig Mitaghei_ (Space navigational twig): a forked branch used as a divining rod to help the cloakship find open space.

_Gumpin/Gumpikt_ (Martian/Nitarikit) _Gumpaloradz_: Hover ships and/or members of a hover ship crew. Both are despised by all cloakshippers, who feel that the _gumpin_ are just copying them, except in the air and visible. Like "_Yas_", "_Gumpin_" also refers to a sublike sandwich of meat and cheese on either a long Ledakhite roll or Yishaan bread. Don't order one on a _geröt_, or you'll be shunned for the rest of the voyage.

* * *

**SOME EARTH AND RAHAARITE TELEPHONE NUMBERS BEGINNING WITH "666" AND "1442"**

666-3829-An unfortunate Bible college in Kentucky that many think is an urban legend, proving once again: many are wrong.

1-442-4850-A normal looking house that, on closer inspection, has no right angles.

666-0098-An independent British copier toner salesman who regularly drinks the coffee he left on his desk the day before.

1-442-2103-Itomna worshippers who got lucky.

666-3682-Refuses to get caller ID

1-442-4709-They always answer promptly, but speak no known sentient tongue.

666-8138-My home phone number. Sorry 'bout that :(

* * *

Next Chapter: Further Information You Can Use Today Part 2: All Kinds of Tokun, Pishti-Claw Vs. Logoi Foot Deformities, Secrets of Nyöm University, Debated Galaxies, and Common Short and Long Cons,

Read and Review, please.

Reviews and Answers:


	11. Info You Can Use Today Part 2

**ALL KINDS OF TOKUN**

I'm not romantic about tokun (a squirrellike creature related to the sentient Chitikh species originating on Byazar, but has since been introduced on many planets, including Earth). Long ago, when I was 16, I had the opportunity to spend many afternoons with Eliza wandering about Tami Park in Akkümei, on Byazar. There are many things for a young interspecies couple to admire in this, one of Byazar's largest and most vermin-filled parks, including the world-famous Talker's Lot, the Granite Tunnel, the Decrepit Line, and of course Byazarese Martian men feeding the many fat tokun and logoi who reside there.

They'd hold their wide hands aloft, and logoi would alight there, and tokun would scamper up and down their legs and shoulders and arms. This seemed like honorable and adventurous work at the time, and so I decied to give it a try. The next day, I outfitted myself with a loaf of bread and loose-fitting, scamper-friendly clothing and held out my crumb-filled hand.

There were some things I hadn't anticipated  
First, I hadn't anticipated that this hobby would be so scratchy and uncomfortable. When one sees illustrations of Kaahu Yiswash, the Saint-Francis-esque beast lover god of Kasu'emism, bedeckled all over with loving berrybirds and skiri and sauroprocyons and such, it looks inspiring. You might even imagine that all those little paws at work upon your body might actually improve your circulation.

It's different, though, when you've got a dozen logoi clamoring to sink their clawed feet into your neck and head. Logoi are heaver than you'd think, and many are deformed, especially around the feet. (Please see "Pishti-Claw vs. Logoi-Foot Deformities").

This was unpleasant. But it was the tokun that made me rethink the whole endeavour. It was the size of a retriever, and it crawled up my leg with patient greed, weighing at the fabric with its awful, furred, scaly bulk. I looked down into its face, its contemptuous eyes, and its teeth: yellow, crisscrossed, and sharp. This wasn't a pleasant rodent but a desperate devourer. I fed it, and I felt dirty-mainly because it had left a trail of shit and grime up my pants from its claws. (Thanks for helping me clean up, Eliza. 3) But not only for this reason.

_(A Despicable Habit: art/Martian-feeding-a-Tokun-402189551?ga_submit_ne w=10%253A1379900000)_

As I looked up and saw the other vermin feeders around me, I saw that their pants were dirty as well, but in different, disturbing ways. And for the first time I saw that many of these men had locked beards that were often unkempt and often had strange objects lodged in them. These weren't just animal-loving retirees. How hadn't I noticed it before? They were Tauttiyi-mimics! And I was becoming one of them, even though I'm one myself.

I'd seen in that tokun's face a kind of hard truth that I still don't like to admit: Nature's a bitch. If you're not careful, she'll either consume you or transform you into her twisted servant. And so at the moment, I shrugged the remaning animals off my shoulders and body (a process that took about twenty-five minutes). I threw my remaining bread in one direction and ran on shaky legs in the other and didn't look back.

A month later, though, I saw another tokun. I'd returned to Earth and Danville, and had taken to eating my lunch in Danville Park, a small park near the DEI Building. It was a spring afternoon, and suddenly my tokun scratches began to throb, as they always do when one of those creatures (as well as squirrels) draws near. But this particular one was entirely new to me. It was jet black, small and lithe, a scampering dark shadow on the green grass. Like any rational Tauttiyi, I presumed it was an omen that I would die within a week.

But a week passed, and when I didn't die, and instead saw only more and more black tokun all over the city, I resolved to investigate.

After some reading, I learned that black tokun are actually quite common and unique to Earth - especially in Danville, Maryland and Bangalore, India, which as the twin centers of Earth's black tokundom. And lately, the hearty species has been on the move (both walking and via ship), gradually radiating toward the galactic center. Some speculate they're driven by deforestation. Every schoolchild knows that a tokun could once run from Petekh-jar to Kuklaikh via a freighter and perhaps now they're intent on taking it back, overunning us as indeed all nature will someday. And so at least in this sense, the omen of the black tokun's true. But I also don't think we should discount the encouragement of those tokun-feeders I observed in Akkümei. One wonders what secret agenda they and their ilk might hold as they literally fuel the tokuns' dreadful scaper across our galaxy.

* * *

**ALL KINDS OF TOKUN**

**OUTER BLUE**  
Habitat: Brought to the outer Ókólamite moons and spread to the outer Rahaarite moons, it's now spread throughout the arm by a combination of natural guilt and the manipulation of old and eccentric men, who seem hypnotically bound to feed them.  
Skills: Despite its thuggish bulk, the outer blue has a sharp and pitiless mind well-adapted to scientific research. Its greatest accomplishment is the development of the dreaded Thanatopox virus, which it's used successfully to largely eliminate its rival, the Wemerbikshalyadrül Green, in much of the green's former territory  
**WEMERBIKSHALYADRÜL GREEN**  
Habitat: Coniferous forests throughout the Orionid Cluster; a hidden valley on Nloting.  
Skills: With its verdant coat and handsome tufts immortalized in countless illustrated children's books, this was the default tokun for most Orionid children until the Outer Blue began its scurrying march across the Old Clusters. The Greens initially fought back, but they always had a different temperament from the blue invaders, and their resistance via impassioned essays and street theater proved a fruitless defense against all the clawing and biting. Not to mention the Thanatopox virus. Eventually they were forced to retreat to the remote Sagittarian Cluster, their ancestral half-homecluster, where they're now concentrating on creating a perfect society, one where the artist shall be revered and the poet shall govern. Naturally this'll fail miserably.  
**RAHAARITE GREEN**  
Habitat: Brought to Ókólamite moons and the Rahaarite moons from Yi, and then to Earth.  
Skills: Commonly referred to as "The Unfaithful" or "Those Who Did Not Heed the Call" for failing to come to the aid of their threatened Orionid cousins, but the Rahaarite Greens consider themselves a peace-loving species and wanted like you to consider other factors-their beneficial seed-dispersal, their consumption of fungi that are poisonous to most sentient beings, their lovable prancing-before you condemn them in your hearts.  
**GOLDEN**  
Habitat: Dwells in shallow seas and occasionally enters lagoons, where it'll sometimes surface to speak to passing adventurers.  
Skills: Highly intelligent and known for its riddle-making, the golden tokun breathes lightning and repulsion gas.  
**WHITE/ALBINO**  
Habitat: Two Rahaarite cities compete for the honor and tourist dollars of being the "White Tokun Capital" of the Yama-Yonshos, on the Rahaarite moon of Kankwar and Tangamelgëth, on the Rahaarite moon of Pramistag . Though Tangamelgëth may claim more of these genetic oddities in raw numbers, Yonshos counters that it's home to more true albino tokun. But both populations are fragile-numbering in the low thousands at best. In order to preserve them, both cities have strict leash laws, and Tangamelgëth went so far as to ban canids and felids altogether. Yonshos, fearing Orionid flight, not only followed suit, but also extended the ban to all vehicles, and transformed the city's public lands into a "habitrail amulet" of connected plastic tubes and nesting stations. Tangamelgëth, in response, actually outlawed all other tokun, paying 中20 a head to any child of any species who presents the body of a nonwhite tokun, no questions asked, and destryong the home of any person who harms a white tokun, even by accident. It's different to predict which approach'll be more effective in luring the white tokun, which is notoriously fickle, and mainly looking for tax breaks.  
Skills: They're white.  
**FLYING**  
Habitat: Known as the spiny-tailed critters of the air, flying tokun inhabit the skies of most of Rahaaral's moons and the Orionid Cluster, feeding on raptors, shrikers and sky rats. They rarely land, instead sleeping briefly as they glide groundward in great circles or, more recently, hitching rides on spaceships.  
Skills: Their gigantic, clawed wings were the inspiration for the Kajaj inventor Ï-Klava's sketches of a prototype deep-space flier/tokun costume.  
**BLACK**  
Habitat: Whereas legends suggest that the white tokun were first brought to the Yama by Kuwainites, it's certain now that the black tokun were brought by the Tauttiyi. Favored as pets and confidants, they're used to carry messages within Tauttiyi society and given honored burial when they die. Some Tauttiyi hypnotically instruct other species to care for the tokun. Those who've ever tasted wanderlust or Tauttiyi envy can't long resist the desire to feed a Tokun, black or no (indeed, that's the legacy I discovered in Akkümei).  
Skills: Their harsh clicking and scolding's considered musical by some, but they're best known for their excellent memories and unwavering discretion.

* * *

**PISHTI-CLAW VS. LOGOI-FOOT DEFORMITIES**

It's not uncommon in roadside restaurants on the Rahaarite moon of Wisam to see a display of strange Pishti claws that've been found by local fishermen. Nearly 100 million Pishti are taken out of the water each year on Wisam, so it's not statistically surprising that some number of these will have what I'd term in polite company a "_dzeliwalglezläi_ (effed-up) claw," and one may appreciate why these might tempt an enterprising person to collect, dry, and display them on a plaque. Because, as every restaurant owner knows, if you horrify children, they'll come back again and again.

Logoi, as I've pointed out, also suffer from frequent deformities of the claw, which is called by experts "the foot." But these are less often displayed on plaques because they're smaller and more difficult to preserve, and far more disgusting. Still, the curious person can't help but wonder how they stack up against each other.

Pishti-Claw vs. Logoi-Foot Deformities

Pishti: The Double Claw  
Logoi: The Two-towed Foot  
Advantage: Pishti

* * *

Pishti: The Gezum Claw (Gezum-an Avder pastry-bread)  
Logoi: The Twenty-Toed Foot  
Advantage: Logoi

* * *

Pishti: The Claw Shaped like the body of a Wasp  
Logoi: The Foot that Can't really be called a Foot  
Advantage: Pishti

* * *

_  
Pishti: The Claw that Resembles the Skyline of Doladh, Snar Kanüghei.  
Logoi: The Foot that's got an extra logoi at the end of it  
Advantage: Pishti

* * *

Pishti: The Claw whose teeth spell out in Gule (a braillelike writing system), in both Martian and Nitarikit "I shall be avenged"  
Martian: _Muj 'an 'em qashadekhem_  
Nitarikit: _Sra ling ti qashadehök_  
Logoi: The Foot that looks like a Martian's hands  
Advantage: Pigeon

* * *

**SECRETS OF NYÖM UNIVERSITY**

As a son of a graduate of this fine and mysterious institution, I'm glad, as always, to clarify a few of your misconceptions and to confirm even more of your suspicions.  
_(The Black Order-No Threat to the Secret Interstellar Government: art/Two-Spies-402214839?ga_submit_new=10%253A1379906562)_  
_SECRET!_: Nyöm was built by the Rahaarite Martian Yakhol Nyöm with his own hands out of clay.  
_STATUS_: Somewhat true  
Nyöm was not built by this person, but the insitution that would eventually before the University was founded in 798 BC as the "Companion of Yakhol Nyöm," This was a social club of prominent Southern Tadikashdabites that was devoted to drniking and the display of friendship to Yakhol Nyöm, a Yarme-born Martian merchant living on Byazar whom they'd chosen at random.  
The companions to Nyöm would secretly meet every Thursday evening to play out lavish new gifts for Mr. Nyöm-teams of Onils, some carved out of gold; a wise Sumran prostitute who'd remind Nyöm of the beauty of life and its beauty, etc.-all shipped, at great expense, to Nyöm who didn't want them and didn't know why he was recieving them. "People who I hath never met," he wrote in 781 BC, "whether ye plan to show me great kindness or great malevolence, I am not sure, but I beggeth thee please to cease. I am already married to the Sumran prostitute, and legally I am forbidden any spices." He instead urged them to accept money to establish "A school that shallt benefit the young and enlighten them in the principles of Secret Interstellar Government." And thus, Nyöm was born.  
One possible explanation of the rumor stated above is the fact that, while Nyöm wasn't actually made of clay, the entire campus was buried underground for ten years to make it appear older.

_SECRET!_: The galaxy's secretly controlled by the Black Order.  
_STATUS_: Not true at all. NOT AT ALL.  
I'd like to say for the record that I'm not a Kaisumikt (or in Martian, Visdi, both mean, in Nitarikit and Martian respectively "black one") or indeed a member of any of the exclusive "elder society"-The Pure Slate, The Dirty Claw, The Claw Slate, The Sandalwearers, the Nyöm College of Taxidermy, etc. Due to their open advocacy of cloak-wearing and their great windowless clubhouses known as "catacombs" (many of them carved out of a single block of granite), these societies have prompted much fanciful speculation about bizarre masturbation rituals and hidden plans for interstellar domination.  
It's true that all of the past 28 Archducal candidates have been Kaisumikt/Visdi, with the exception of the Rahaarite Sumran Goyeb Nyodirha III, who's merely a member of the much less prestigious consumer-advocacy society The Dirty Slate, and it's also true that The Black Order was originally chartered by the Azli'aj and the Knights Kolikkinërr in order to infiltrate the Secret Interstellar Government and Nyöm's Snar Nivoti campus. But having failed to make any progress in this goal, the Kaisumikt/Visdi now focus extremely on tending to the hippocampus on their private moon and on ritual Masturbation.

_SECRET!_: Nyöm enforces the will on the galaxy via special units.  
_STATUS_: Absolutely true  
While many of Nyöm's 120 special units are merely social organizations, a handful compose the Secret Interstellar Government's most trusted and elite forces; generally their expertise breaks down thusly:  
_The Dzazikoldza_-Conventional espionage, fencing, suicide missions.  
_The Gawwijan_-Traditional safecracking, now also encompassing computer espionage and movie/TV trivia.  
_The Genzwamin_-Sleight of hand, small arms, seduction.  
_The Servants_-The kick and punching of people.  
_The Guild of the Gods_-Counterfeiting and forgery.  
_The Lonely Quest_-Codes and Ciphers.  
_The Tavdhladleklwayi_-The selling of trinkets.

_SECRET_!: Tavlath Memorial Archive holds a book in which is predicted the fate of the United Moons through the year 3000.  
_STATUS_: More true than not.  
The _Rahaaralajqhoshizh_ technically's held in the miniature version of that great library that can be found on the normal-sized library's roof. (Please see "Two Libraries that're Smaller than this E-book) The Nyöm Lock Company was created to protecty the book, securing it with special padlocks that can only be opened with a key. That said, it's fairly common for enterprising souls to sneak up and view it at least once. I myself have held it in my hands. It's pretty mildewy.

_SECRET!_: The first cloakship was invented at Nyöm and still patrolls its underwater canals.  
_STATUS_: True.  
Nyöm Nitarikit Graduate Drahutha Rilsliyadh's two-man cloakship, called the _Pommeg_ (after a turtlelike creature introduced to many worlds. Exact homeworld uknown), was first deployed at Snar Nahlü Spaceport in 724 BC. Piloted and powered by the volunteers Yahraz Shekht, a Chitikh, and the Kuwainite Avder Shebas Lyoko, The_ Pommeg_'s howitzers (or equivalents of howitzers) cleared the port of all Byazarese ships as well as their trained pelican-bats-of-war. Shekht and Lyoko eventually became members of the Yama Secret Service under direct supervision of Nyöm. Though Lyoko didn't complain about the_ Pommeg_'s notoriously cramped conditions, Shekht committed suicide many years later by stuffing himself into a hatbox.

_SECRET!_: The Dzadzikoldza stole the Espeg crystal and presented it to Martian Skimkt Gayid when they were guests on his television program in 529 BC.  
_STATUS_: False.  
It was the glass skull of Nitarikit Lowaharim Khidzlame.

_SECRET!_: Every year one student's assigned to live in an extremely luxurious room made of solid gold.  
_STATUS_: True.  
The Anmagtekht Manor, built for the son of Gwayedite Dambirakh Anmagtekht, comprises 28 golden rooms of pure luxury, including ten-inch carpets, canopy beds in every room, a direct pipeline to the Chohulye I in Pindampi Falls, a butler's palace, four walk-in fireplaces, the moon's first electic beer decanter, a dedicated proxy to perform all classwork, and a topographical map of all Rahaaral's moons with a gigantic model maglev train set that shows the real-time progress of every Maglev currently riding the rails.

_SECRET!_: Nyöm's the seat of the Secret Interstellar Government.  
_STATUS_: True. There is no Secret Interstellar Government.

* * *

**DEBATED GALAXIES**  
Many of what we term "galaxies" have been observed since antiquity, beginning especially with the Toyutk'vantids, those dreamers. But especially with the discovery of Kaidu'er (SagDIG) in 718 BC, there's been resistance to admitting new clusters into the "club of galaxies".  
The Club of Galaxies, as you don't know, is headquartered in a city house on East 102nd Avenue in Snar Nahlü Gever, on the Rahaarite moon of Snar Nahlü. Its charter maintains that serious people will withhold final judgment until a cluster's galaxyhood may be personally verified by a visit from a club representative. Thus Andromeda (Haryemyahi), The Milky Way (Legahan), and Triangulum (Drülhadmenen) are currently listed as "undeniable galaxies." But several others remain up for debate. For example...

_NGC 4425 Type 5b (Haw)_ : Some scientists now consider this to be a remote star cluster of the Virgo Cluster (or Izhgegi Cluster).

_AMATERASU (Gendzgabik)_: A recently discovered cluster of gas and stars, most agree this isn't a galaxy but part of the Bahan Cloud at the edge of the Local Group. It's believed that the Bahan Cloud's the source of all coments, though no comet factories have yet been observed.

_WHIRLPOOL (Khiddalasa)_: Is it a galaxy, or just a bit of Tauttiyi myth?

_ANDII (Lesht)_: The residents of its worlds believe religiously that AndII itself doesn't exist. When they purify it from their minds. the "Great Blasphemy" shall disappear.

_MALIN I (Kleshuri)_: Possibly just a satellite of the largest galaxy, Proryebakte.

_NIMGYAVPRORYEBAKTE_: A hypothetical mass designed to piss off Malin I.

_WLM (Kodhi)_: Probably a goverment conspiracy.

_RADIO GALAXY 3C 368 (Khinlaradh)_: Radio emissions? Please. Most agree that this is either a space station or a self-aware supercomputer.

Postscript: Since the Club Verification Committee verified Andromeda and Triangulum via prove expedition in 540 BC and 532 BC, respectively, each had been granted its own room in the planet guild. The Stelarium's now called the Andromedium; The Triangulid Hallway's on the third floor, left of the Playroom, and is, in deference to its inhabitants, kept at roughly 3700° Celsius.

* * *

**COMMON SHORT AND LONG CONS**  
Many con men (many of them Tauttiyi, my species, unfortunately) who once prowled the hotel bars and spacelines in search of an early mark now travel the internet for gullible souls. They write e-mails pretending to be Iyotite pill salesmen, for example, who need your credit card information to authorize your free pornography. (This is a old and artless scam. Long before mass internet it was circulated by Vofopt code, which is how I was first stung. It was, in fact, the last message carried by the wordline.)  
But a few old-style grifters still practice the vanishing, intimate art of the close-up con. Traditionally they'll attempt to recruit a mark (known in the Tauttiyi Language as a "_shair shäsei_", meaning "dead pot") into stealing from a third party (or from the grifter himself). Thus making it less likely that the mark, when taken, will call the police. "One may not trick an honest man" goes the old Tauttiyi saying, and that's why most Tauttiyi conmen still carry polygraphs.  
Some classic cons, like "_Ho Fughowam Nantang_" ("The Plundering Viperwolf") may take just a moment ("Let's use my viperwolf to steal that treasure. All I need's a little meat money to get him out of the kennel.") In other schemes, such as "_Ho Ryagdömyi Fodhnü_" ("The Ryagdöm Prisoner") or "_Ho Sakdömyi Mighglezläiklwijd_" (The Sakdöm Hypnotist") (Please see "How to Win a Fight"), it may take weeks or months to develop the trust required to truly fleece a fellow citizen. "_Ho Kanklamvi Malanfehad Dedogoyel Gavone sli ho Fawaglvi Danzradlikwam_" ("The Decline of the Full Service Department Store and the Advent of Mass Box Shipping"), in fact, requires 600 shills and ten years to pull off successfully. Against this sort of criminal dedication, the mark has little chance and, once conned, but one recourse: to con the con man.  
Gradually training yourself over many years in the art of the grift, slowly gaining the trust of the criminal community, and gradually becoming your enemy so that you may finally crush him or her with one final, ultimate swindle is called "_Smannöwam ho Dofnë_" ("Tasting the Grain") and is considered to be the greatest Tauttiyi con of all. But fefore you attempt it, you should review the following basic cons, Some Tauttiyi, some not. And please make sure that it's legal to keep a viperwolf on your native homeworld, or else it'll all end very badly for you.

_BEZEYADHDZIR SASHNA_ (Carchasuine in a Poke)  
(Tauttiyi/Lozhman)  
This is a centuries-old scam in which the mark believes he's/she's buying a delicious suckling carchasuine (a pig-like creature native to Lozhma-jar) in a burlap sack (a common enough suckling carchasuine delivery device). When he/she opens it, he'll/she'll find that the wriggling "poke" instead contains only a disgusting felid. Generally the felid'll flee, leaving the mark "holding the bag," as they say. But sometimes the felid (who's always in on the scheme, no matter how much he yowls) won't run and instead will try another con on the already bewildered mark-usually the old "milk-and-saucer game," or the "vomit fake-out." Since most Rahaarites nowadays find live suckling carchasuines equally as distasteful as felids, more often the bag's said to contain cheap prescription drugs or an angry guest.

_("Let's Use My Viperwolf to Steal That Treasure...": art/Tauttiyi-With-Viperwolf-402356947?ga_submit_ne w=10%253A1379966327)_

_HO QLIHITEDHYËP OSNË_ (The Pajama Man)  
(Tauttiyi/Rahaarite)  
The mark's approached late at night outside a bar by a barefoot Tauttiyi wearing only his pajamas. The pajama man claims to be a sonambulist.  
"I wake up all the time like this," he'll say. "But_ this_ is new." He'll show the mark a large bundle of cash and/or jewels. He'll seem distraught. "I don't know how I got it!"  
The pajama man'll ask the mark to hold the money for him-if there's any police investigation, no one'll think to ask the mark about it. Then when the heat's off, the pajam man will split the haul with the mark as payment for his/her trouble. Most of the money's counterfeit, and the jewels are paste. But it doesn't matter. If the mark takes the bait, the pajama man will thank him/her profusely and offer to buy him/her a drink. They'll go back into the bar.  
As they talk, the pajama man will muse, "I'm a normal person in the daytime, but when I sleep, I must be some kind of master thief."  
The mark (usually a Non-Tauttiyi) will think about this in silence. He'll/she'll think of his/her wife's/husband's valuable collection of glass figurines/rocks or the bearer bonds in his/her asshole partner's office, or the safe in the basement of the home of his/her spinster aunts.  
"Say," the pajama man will say, "you're doing_ me_ a favor. How about I do you one?"  
The next night, the mark and the pajama man will meet in front of the mark's office, or the mark's own home, or that of his/her aunts. He'll/she'll tell the pajama man exactly where to find the goods, and the pajama man will close his eyes, to let the information "seep into his unconscious mind."  
Then the pajama man will settle in behind a nearby brush or fence to fall asleep, and the mark'll return to the bar to drink and joke loudly and establish an alibi. He'll/she'll imagine the pajama man rising, trancelike, from his holding place, shimmying up a drainpipe or silently forcing a back door open. Tomorrow, the mark believes, he'll/she'll met the pajama man and divvy the spoils. The mark's confident of this. But then, that's confidence for you.

_HO LAJEM ISL KWAGGEI_ (The Lajem and Kwaggei)  
(Rahaarite)  
The mark's approached by an Avder man who claims to have been robbed. He's especially upset because the robbers stole his entry fee for a celebrity impersonator contest. He'll show the mark a hand-bill advertising the contest: a 中20,000 cash prize is to be paid to the best impersonator of Lajem and Kwaggei from the television program Mislanya & Pliyasik.  
The mark will ask if the man's himself a celebrity impersonator. "Of course not," the con-man will say, laughing. "I don't look like Lajem or Kwaggei." And the mark will silently agree. The con-man will explain that he's the_ manager_ of a Lajem and Kwaggei impersonator team, and he's staking them to the contest. "These boys will go far." The con-man will say.  
He'll show the mark a photo of his "clients." Of course, it's a publicity photo of the actual Lajem and Kwaggei that's been altered with a computer to make it look like the two "impersonators" are having dinner with the con-man at a local steakhouse.  
"Don't get me wrong, the boys'll be crushed if they can't compete," the con-man will say. But that's showbiz. That's not why he's upset. He's no sentimentalist. "It's easy enough to find a Lajem or Kwaggei. But to get both..." The con-man will just shake his head sadly. "That's real money. The chance of a lifetime."  
"Of course," the con-man will explain. "I can probably raise half the entry fee by the deadline, which is tonight. But where am I gonna get the rest?"  
Then he'll wait for the mark to suggest the inevitable. The mark'll loan him the money, in exchange for part of the winnings.  
"I can't let you do it," the con-man will say. "You don't even know me." And at this point the monk, inevitably, will already be nursing second thoughts. They'll both mull it over for a bit-the mark sincerely, the con-man theatrically.  
And anyway, the Avder con-man will say, he's not sure the boys'll go for it. "Let's get Kwaggei on the phone and ask him." The con-man will then place a phone call and have a long conversation explaining that they may have a new partner coming in, and how'd Kwaggei feel about that? The con-man will listen, grimacing, and then hand the phone over. "He wants to speak to you," he'll say.  
The mark'll take the phone and put it to his/her ear(hole). "Who are you?" The nasal gruff voice on the other end will say. "Who are you?" The mark'll be speechless. He'll/she'll hear the living voice of Kwaggei. It'll be absolutely uncanny. He'll/she'll hurry off the phone and quickly close the deal, forking over the cash he'll/she'll never see again, never realizing that the voice on the other end wasn't a Kwaggei impersonator at all, but the actual Kwaggei, the Gwayedite actor Drahutha Va Fayedre. Of course the con-man has not relationship with him, but his telephone number's easier to get than Shebas Se'Barri's (a Lolir).  
Meanwhile, Drahutha Va Fayedre, who still works as he continues to struggle with multiple sclerosis, will hang up the phone, bewildered for the thrid time this week, and he'll ponder the strange price of fame.

_CHAHIJTENYÄNNAANG SHIVAZ_ (Six-Card Shivaz)  
(Tauttiyi)  
The mark's lured into a street-corner game of chance by a Tauttiyi man with six cards. This Tauttiyi is Shivaz. The mark's shown the cards, one of which's the Orionid equivalent of the Queen of Hearts, the Lustful Emperess. They're then turned facedown on a table and moved around. The Mark'll be asked to locate the Emperess. For the first few rounds, his/her guesses will be correct. A small crouwd will gather. They'll be amazed at his/her skill.  
Then the mark'll be asked to wager some amount of money. If he/she hesitates, another Tauttiyi obeserver will take the bet and win. Big-time: One-hundred chains becomes two-thousand in his/her hand. "Two-thousand Lyosolëra," the other Tauttiyi player will say, counting the clinking new chains he's won. He'll look at the mark. "How can you turn this down?" he'll say. He'll flatter the mark, pointing out that all his/her guesses have been correct so far. And the mark will know its true-that could've been _his/her_ thousand Lyosolëra, had he/she only bet.  
More cards will slide across the table. "Ladykiller!/Maneater!" Ya know where the lady/man is!" the other Tauttiyi player will say heartily. And the mark does. He's/she's sure of it. "Look at you," the other player will say. "You're a sharp one. I'm betting with you. You've got a clean shirt. You've got the cleanest shirt here."  
The mark will not know what this means, but at last he'll/she'll relent. He'll/she'll bet small. The other Tauttiyi observer says, "Yeah!"clapping her back. "Mister/Miss Clean-Shirt!"  
Shivaz will reach to turn over the chosen card. Needless to say, he's got confederates. The other player, of course, is a shill, one of several Tauttiyi among the crowd, at this moment picking the mark's pockets. He'll get a kickback, as will the table, which is actually a Tauttiyi in a table suit, ready to flee at the first sign of the police; as will the Tauttiyi coworker of the mark, who's usually an Avder or Lozhman, who asked him/her to pick up lunch at a certain fast food restaurant on the way back to the office, knowing that the mark would pass the game on the way and be intrigued; as will be the psychologist who devised the distracting term "Clean-Shirt."  
Also, the cards themselves are coated in a kind of napalm. But this is invisible to the mark, who'll watch as the final card's turned. It'll not be an Emperess. It will, strangely, look like a photo of the mark, but it'll be hard to tell, for it'll instantly turn into bugs, which will buzz and swarm around, distracting the mark as the money's swiftly picked up and divided. The Tauttiyi in the table suit rises and sprints around the corner. The confederates light stoneflashers and disappear in the bang and sparks, and Shivaz goes with them.

_HO VUULAYÜGHLËM BAJLIWAJ_ (The Vengeful Bajli)  
(Guhlamite/Tauttiyi)  
A female Guhlamite bajli approaches a mark of undetermined species in a maglev station and claims to be a travelling salesperson, specializing in herbal medicine. She's sexy and beautiful, and she shows him/her the herbal medicine, so why should the mark doubt the story?  
As they speak, the bajli'll confess to being _Hhakklibaj_, a rogue bajli who left her bajli village without authorization. Certainly the mark will know that the punishment for this is death.  
She'll go on to explain that there are several vengeful bajli hunting her even now, and she'll discreetly draw the mark's attention to the three among the cround of ordinary travellers, who are even now observing, waiting to catch her alone.  
These people'll be selected at random, of course. They'll not be bajli at all. But bajli are known for their extraordinary talespinning skills. And sudenly, the cloth-coated Avder buying the lottery ticket at the newsstand, the obese Lolir kid eating corn on the cob with great intensity (I trust the terrible meaning of this omen's obvious. If not, please reconsult "Omens vs. Portents."), and the frail, elderly Nitarikit man whom the mark'll previously thought shouldn't be travelling alone... they all seem suspicious. How many of them are cloaker-stone-(a device used to disguise a being as another species) clad Guhlamite bajli? How many have sworn by the code of _Bajhadi_?  
The mark will ask the female bajli why she doesn't simply disappear or summon a giant lizard to aid her as is the Bajli way. She'll say that they're all bullshit myths.  
At this point she'll call the Mark by his/her first name. He/she doesn't remember telling it to her. "Kodhek/Kodhke" (let's say that's his/her name), "as long as I am alone, I will be at risk. Will you help me?"  
Of course he/she will.  
The mark will abandon his/her planned trip and instead accompany her on an endless journey across the moons and back as she sells herbal medicines. He'll/she'll see bajli always around him/her, and she'll tell him/her that if he/she ever leaves her, they'll seek to kill him/her. She'll teach him/her the arts of bajli stealth and passive observation so that he/she may better protect her and himself/herself. Over time he'll/she'll come to forget his/her old life, and she'll trust him/her with more and more of her secrets. One night, in Mispashamt, on the Rahaarite moon of Tangenzar, She'll show him/her what she's never shown any outsider: How to summon a giant lizard. "Now we must always be together," She'll say. The lizard will watch them as they make (straight/lesbian) love.  
The next morning neither she nor the lizard'll be there. The mark will worry, but he/she won't worry that he's/she's somehow been conned. He'll/she'll worry that he's/she's somehow failed her. After lunch, she'll return to the room in tears. She'll apologize and explain that it was all a con.  
She was never being chased by bajli, she'll say, but instead's been ordered by her bajli village to seduce him/her with her tale and rob him/her of all his/her money. But what she didn't count on was that she'd fall in love. For though he's/she's never recieved any training in the martial arts or in the use of the climbing scythe or the throwing disk, she saw from the start that he/she was, at heart, a bajli.  
But now the game was over. In a moment of weakness, she'd shown him/her the secret of the lizard. This morning she saw her _Gyamakbaj_, the high bajli, who reminded her of her solemn duty. "I must now not only take your money, darling." She'll say "but also your life."  
"I don't care for money or life," the mark will say, naturally. "I only wish to be with you."  
The female bajli will relax her killing stancfe. If that's so, she'll say, there is but one option; for him/her to renounce the outside world and join her bajli village. He/she must himself/herself become a thief and assassin. But how could she ask him/her to become a killer, when all he's/she's desired was to save her?  
At this point the mark will explain that she needn't cry. Throughout this long journey, he/she too's realized that, in his/her heart(s), he's/she's already a bajli. And perhaps, thinking both of the love they've shared as well as the power to summon giant beasts that'll soon be his/hers. He'll/she'll agree to undergo the long training, the terrible trials, and join her in the shadows forever.  
Years ago, as she watched her parents die at the hands of a serpent, the bajli vowed never to cry again, but to save every drop of her life and will and forge it into a blade of vengeance. But now she'll be unable to contain her tears of happiness. "We shall never be parted, my darling," she'll exclaim, kissing his/her face over and over. She'll stare into his/her eyes adoringly. "Now," she'll say, "there is the small matter of the two-hundred-thousand-lyosolëra initiation fee."  
The mark does so and the bajli will say "many thanks." Then she'll grab her necklace, suddenly revealing her true form- a female Tauttiyi who was wearing a cloakerstone who'll then say "UP YOURS,_ SHALLËMARWAJ_!" before running off with the bewildered mark's money.

* * *

Next Chapter: The 51 Moons of Rahaaral Part 1

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	12. Rahaaral's 51 Moons Part 1

**THE MOONS, THEIR NICKNAMES AND MOTTOES, AND OTHER FACTS CRITICAL FOR SAFE TRAVEL**

As many Humans don't know, Rahaaral is orbited by mostly Mercury-sized moons, numbering 51 (of which only 50 are known, but technically, only 49 are true moons, as Sa'utsi, a gas giant in a star system in the Sagittarian cluster, is an honorary moon, as is the frozen world Ligdagag, which is a short distance away from the gas giant Ókólam (Er-ker-lahm), in the same star system as Rahaaral) are known. They're a remarkable natural occurence of mysterious origin which when you put them in place, perfectly orbit the rings of the gas giant many call the Yamara, leaving only the small black hole or "Colony" of Slohadbal-jar (Martian: Lazrimehe ë-Slohadbal-jar; Nitarikit: Lasrimehe dri Slohadbal-jar), where compasses spin wildly and magnets fail to function. In addition, the Yama owns several star systems and gas giant moon protectorates, and sixty secret extragalactic colonies outside of the local arm. That's all I can tell you about the extragalactic colonies. But if you're surprised to learn that are secret extragalactic colonies, then you're more naïve than I thought.

When I was six and spending time in Kairke, on the moon of Kwatlaklama, everyone knew that "Kwatlaklama" was the "Moon of Inlets, Mo'rar ë-Saikkanö" due to its enormous inlet-leaf-drying industry. And it was often on a Gazmi (a type of leaf)-scented evening that I'd dreamily ponder the exotic pictures conjured by the nicknames of other moons: Shvare Mo'rar, or "Zhikha Shvarei" ("Li'l Shvarei"); Tadikashdab, or "Mazinek Kagonzeya Shvarei" (Normal-Sized Shvarei"); Ligdagag, or "We Zare shun Gyayaniktë" (Nitarikit for "World of Tendrills"). Perhaps I was just woozy from the inlet leaves; but the moons seemed a magical place then, and I always had very clear nasal passages.

Few children are taught now to recite all the lunar nicknames and their mottoes, and so I provide this handy and most basic guide to the great maze that is the United Moons and its many giant marbles, made of rock, water, and air.

**ARSËN**

Nickname (Martian): _Mo'rar ë-cchag Kishmaman Dele_kö (Moon of the Platinum Statues)

Motto (Nitarikit): _Chen Tisi e Gazen Daishalsi'ë_ (We Dare to Sculpteth Ourselves)

Notes: On this moon, the governor's paid in platinum ingots. It's customary at the end of his/her term to meet some number of them and return them to the moon as a sculpture of his/herself. Traditionally, the platinum sculpting was done by the governor himself/herself. Rahaarite-Gwayedite anti-child labor Gov. Ghorazleg Da Daitlë was a particularly nimble sculptor, while the Lolir Themaal Jhorok, for reasons unknown, gave himself two antlers during his last term of office. Now the task's largely over to professional scupltors and paid consultants, many from off the moon, making this, for most Arsënites, a hollow excercise in professional politicking.

**LIGDAGAG**  
Nickname (Nitarikit): _Zare Shun Gyayaniktë_ (World of Tendrills")

Size: At 177,697,458 square miles (460,234,304 kilometers, or 221,220,020 Ksen) in diameter, about the size of Venus, it's the largest moon (technically it's a planet, but has honorary moon status). If superimposed on any of the "orbital 49," It'd consume them all.

Notes: Also known as The Debacle of Regin or Regin's Tundra after the Martian Ghorazleg Regin, who purchased the planet-moon and its star system from the Lozhmans in 632 BC for the purpose of freezing Rahaarite archdukes. Regin, who was stabbed the same night as Deskanj (also a Martian) was shot, believed that had Deskanj reached a massive, frozen tundra soon enough, he might've not died and instead might've been preserved until such time as future science could revive him. Ligdagag, thus, was designed as an icy safeguard against future assassinations, though it was never used. It's true that the Nitarikit Mitzraj Yeg was flown there after the Yishaan Kaniki Zkuwa's assassination attempt, but instead of being frozen, he visited a hospital and met Chaika (a porcupine-like people).

**AIZESEN**

Nicknames (Nitarikit): _We Gemislash Kiklin'golas Mo'rar_ (The Complementary Kiklin Wrap Moon), (Martian):_ Cchag Yeshi Kaiflëhain Mo'rar_ (The Arid Extra-dry Moon)

Lunar Capital: Selushi, which is ritually burned and rebuilt every 28 years.

Notes: The lunar animal is the Zaiye, a small, delicate raccoonlike creature known for its keen eyes, opposable thumbs, and consequent lockpicking skills. Since Aizesen achieved moonhood in 587 BC, a Zaiye has alweays held an honorary position in lunar government, enjoying free passage anywhere within the lunar capital building in Selushi. By strange coincidence, the Zaiye's always named Faleb Se'Flaivüül. When the actual Lolir Se'Flaivüül refused to be photographed eating soup with the Zaiye Se'Flaivüül at Gyerla Poshü's Restautant in the town of Ghorazlegek-a long tradition among Aizesen politicians-he was accused of having a temper problem and a bad, anti-zaiye attitude.

**LYAITIKMA**

Nickname (Martian):_ Cchag Tomekkele Mo'rar_ (The Tomektanium Moon)

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Mna Tomekkele, We Pyawe_ (In Tomektanium, the Future)

Notes: Lyaitikma was formed after the Negotiation of Lavij-jar by a scientific method using samples of the moon of Tikma and the moon of Lyai (Common appelation. Officially known as "Khiskiliwid"-Please see its entry)-the latter providing the seed of the moon's Tomektanium veins, the magical ore that's transformed into Brachiotanium, the metal of the future. Many Rahaarites also flock to the Gas Giant's only public diamond field, and only a small number of the diamonds found are used to build city-destroying laser guns.

**SAVRA-JAR**

Current Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Beznaneg Mo'rar_ (The Golden Moon)

Old Nickname (Ryagdöm): Navship (Pandora)

Motto (Nitarikit):_ La Mat Peskek Daishal Prorya Foshaai'ë_ (Do Not Fear our Giant Trees)

Notes: Along with Dzusya, Savra-jar was briefly an independent duchy, delcaring its independence from Navship in 653 BC as "The Paizage (Arctodon) Duchy." After a mere two weeks of self-rule, however, the Paizage were defeated in battle and convinced to sign a treaty. They agreed to become citizens of the United Moons, to stop wearing clothes, and to cut back on the mauling. But the flag remains, who naturally associate Savra-jar less with Arctodons than with its fine organic produce, titanium mining, and giant drive-through trees.

**BAIGDAG**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Chaizakru_ (The Chaizakru)

Lunar Flower: Formerly the Petekh Mountain Joizedanig, Now renamed the Petekh Mountain Pretty, Pretty Flower.

Notes: Organized as a colony in 638 BC by hardscrabble settlers who'd come in serach of good skiing and a place to hide their missile defense nerve cluster. They chose the Petekh mountains because they were stroing and largely Basalisk-free, and there they delved deeply, hollowing the moon's heart of gold and building great halls and underground cities. The chief of these was Najamahara, a sprawling dark metropolis that was ruled by a talking computer. Some say a few Baigdagites still lurk there, in the hard hiulls, wherer they stare down from their empty vaults and echoing antechambers in a lonely vigil. But rumors that they'll regularly sneak into your hot-tub and drown there are largely inventions of the hot-tub grate industry.

**TADIKASHDAB**

Current Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Se'Shedhi Isil Visho Mo'rar_ (The Se'Shedhi Brand Visho Moon)

Old Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Mazh Isilö ë-Visho Mo'rar_ (The All Brands of Visho Moon)

Motto (Thaukaj): "_Onoshayaqhom_" (Sprawling)

Notes: The Cradle of Chelejin ingenuity in the 8th and 7th centuries BC, Tadikashdab gave the gas giant the Denim Racker, the Iron Fishhook, the First Rahaarite, Smokestick (cigar), the Mechanical Visho (a nutmeglike spice), and the collapsible lizard, as well as the first Rahaarite cloakship, the Pommeg-a one-man, battery-powered cloakship used in the Rahaarite Rebellion-was the creation of Nitarikit inventor Drahutha Rizwapan, a citizen of Zankair and graduate of Nyöm College, Rahaarite's most prestigious school of literary theory and Secret Interstellar Government (please see "Secrets of Nyöm University" ). While the Pommeg failed in its mission to sink the Damaja Cchori, Nyöm remains a naval power. From its secret port in Snar Nivoti Fjord, Nyöm still sends out one-man cloakshjips to conduct surveillance and to convey secret messages to its branches in Woggan, Shubgava, and the Sa'uz.

**TLALÖMI**

Nicknames (Martian):_ Cchag Trikyadlanse Mo'rar_, (Nitarikit):_ Snar Thomsi_ (The Redgrain Moon, New Thomsi)

Motto (Nitarikit): _Mitkan mna we Yotekari, Mitkan mna Gushidomig!_ (First in the Union, First in Redgrain!)

Notes: The fortunes of the "first moon" have been synonymous with Tlezhari, founded there as a blasterstone and explosives company in the 7th Century BC and now one of the galaxy's largest corporations. Much of Tlezhari's parkland, an enormous estate owned by the rogue Yishaan Tlezhari siblings: Wifwak, Zhelhoder, Lish, Manarzask and Mashya, long dissassociated with the company that bears their name, their mutual loathing makes Tlalömi the playground of their rivalries. They fight one another endlessly, making frequent use of explosives, assassins, and teams of beasts. Mashya, the youngest,, is now in her 2900's. No one's seen the eldest, Wifwak, since the 520's BC, though an annual message is sent from his lands to the local media wishing health to Tlalömites and death to his siblings. Zhelhoder's said to have extended his life via marvelous chemicals devised by his captive brother, Lish, and to travel the moon in a suit of resilient, nonstick armor. Worst of all is Manarzask, who lords over Kamelyu, that sad port that accepts the gas giant's military dead, whom, it's whispered, are reanimated by Manarzask and employed as hes footmen. That's why the press is no loger allowed to photograph the flag-draped, chisakit-covered sarcophagi. While the Tlezhari coropration denies the existence of the terrible siblings, its board of directors, like the rest of the moon, awaits the champion who will finally and their reign of terror.

**THEMAAL-JAR**

Nickname (Martian): _Lü Yeshis Dare 'em Fesnahid Saidratamtekt_ ("Where Every Street is Named Saidratamtekt")

Lunar Cocktail: The "Themaal-jar Dream". Equal parts Soda, Saidratamtekt Wine, and Red Kaset.

Notes: Themaal-jar's a bounteous moon marked by the near supernatural production of two remarkably versatile crops: Kaplinne nuts and Saidra fruit. The former's commonly transformed into Kaplinne butter, various roofing materials, and allergens, the latter are used to make Saidra Cream Candy, accounting software, and glue. Both are made into wine. The Dij Kodhil Sevez Drahlan II, was borne in Meshelthyä, yet it would take a million clones of that great activist for peace and tolerance to erase Themaal-jar's dark reputation as the birthplace of the tyrannical Lozhman Queen Ukhvye. Unfortunately, though, conservative idealogues within the Yama government have conspired to keep Kasada Models #1-1,000,000 in stasis in the basement of Themaal Lunar University. Their fate's uncertain.

**SA'UTSI**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Kaim Jar Bangei 'em Khti Meshelthi_ (The Lost Planet that's Not Meshelthi)

Motto (Sa'utsic):_ Za'i Bode Nar Vi Lona Dal Maklaba'e Som Dal Shize_ (The World Badi is Perpetuated in Honor)

Notes: The Moons of Sa'utsi consist of only the remnants of what was once the ancient lost planet known as Badi. According to legend, Badi was an advanced, peaceful empire of hovercars and glowing skyscrapers in which all children were trained as both warriors and poets, largely using an early version of TV. But their science couldn't hold back a vengeful star, and so the Kingdom was swallowed by a supergiant some 1 million years ago or more. Chaos reigned among the various chieftains who ruled the remaining segments which were pulled into orbit by the gas giant Sa'utsi. It wasn't until 689 BC (100,929 BC, Year of Bodi) that the moons would be unified under king Mandikazik the Great, who established a sophisticated constitutional monarchy guided by reason and modeled after the post-renewal Orionid Kingdoms. Once again, hovercars traveled from moon to moon, the Nadasha (a lutelike instrument) was invented, and the king initiated a massive project to fuse the moons together to recreate the lost planet using giant magnets and crude nuclear explosives. This proved too threatening to the Rahaarite-born plantation owners. Under the leadership of the Lolir Attorney Kahayeg No'ez, and whith the backing of the Yama Punjarin, they forced the last king to sign a new constitution at gunpoint and swordpoint, which would strip the native Sa'utsite species of their voting rights, effectively end the monarchy, and halt the fusion of Bahi (at about the halfway mark). But: They got another moon set out of it.

**PEGDESHT**

Nicknames (Martian): _Cchag Palsizek Drahlanem, Cchag Sharribkaniv Mo'rar_ (The Magic Kingdom, The Battleground Moon)

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Taksrinya Tampadi Sari gi We Danjakte Taksrinya_. (4,000 Fun Parks by The Year 4,000)

Notes: When they've neared the end of their productive life, here's where the honored elders of the gas giant are sent to tend to the magic Solan groves. Younger visitors delight at the fascinating antics of the aged, especially after they've been rejuvenated by glowing pods. And thousands gather each year to watch the old ones sing and break dance at the Blessing of the Harvest, when billions of pounds of fruits are loaded onto ships, which are then blessed before being shipped to the other moons.

* * *

Next Chapter: The 51 Moons of Rahaaral Part 2

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	13. Rahaaral's 51 Moons Part 2

**KHISKILIWID**

Nicknames (Martian): _Cchag Nävouyari Mo'rar, Cchag Yeg Ungsuidelze Mo'rar_ ("The Vanishing Moon", "The Yeg Comethawk Moon")

Motto (Nitarikit): _Chuthe La Mat Beslan Kö'em_. ("Please Do Not Seek Us")

Notes: A large, cloud-encircled planetoid that moves mysteriously from place to place throughout the Barnard's Star System (Martian/Nitarikit: Rahaarak Kavohaqi), and frequently goes completely unobserved for decades. Often forgotten on most lunar system maps and openly disdained by scientists who've not yet been able to explain it, it's supposedly home to the Comethawks-starship-sized dragons capable of shooting meteors from their eyes, which were once considered a Native Snayulid legend. In 498 BC, when Yeg Engine Company reintroduced its Ungsuidelze (Ungsuideleze to Nitarikit), an attempt was made to capitalize on the legend of the 51st moon. As a publicity stunt, 600 Ungsuidelze vehicles were sent out to find it. Most of the vehicles were sent out to find it. Most of the vehicles were never recovered (none of the drivers ever were.) In 494 BC, one empty vehicle mysteriously washed ashore on Mavi Beach in Yarme on Kwatlaklama, while another was found in Yarme on Kwatlaklama, while another was found near Khomaddobak, on Savra-jar, appearing to have been dropped from a great height.

* * *

**A NOTE ON LYAI**

Khiskiliwid, still known popularly as "Lyai," frequently moves across the Barnard's Star System by unknown means and seems to disappear altogether. Early settlers of the central moons of Rahaaral claimed that it was usually seen after a meteor shower: a sheer orb of mottled, pockmarked tomektanium in the sky, surrounded by the lacy clouds and bursts of white starlight that follow a meteor shower.

Some claimed to have seen distant figures flying around it through telescops, though there was some disagreement over whether they were ships or large dragons. In any case, the figures seemed indifferent to those enterprising souls who carved tomektanium from Lyai's surface (some of which would be used to form Lyaitikma in 673 BC). Those who tried to explore the moon, however, would quickly fall asleep. When they awoke, Lyai would be gone.

The first Rahaarite to walk on Lyai (voluntarily) was the Avder anthropologist Yiwsk Tŏdrikh, who landed his solo hovership there as the traveled on the Ókólamite moon of Byazarese Slohadbal-jar in 602 BC.

Tŏdrikh reported in his diaries that the moon was inhabited predominantly by aboriginal Rahaarites (a chameleon-like draconic species). As well, he wrote, a minority of Avder-Rahaarite families had resettled there throughout the 640s BC due to kidnapping by comethawks. The comethawk, as you may (not) know, is a gigantic dragon, which carries meteors in its wings and has a yen for Maiyai music and steamed meats.

Tŏdrikh stayed with the natives of Lyai as the moon traveled through the system. "As the comethawk can taketh the form of any sentient creature," he wrote in a letter to the Rahaarite Nature and History Museum, which had sponsored his journey, "it be diffucult to ascertain who be sentient or dragon. Both hath shown me great kindness, and both are strangely aloof." The Avder, however, seemed to be simply Avder.

Tŏdrikh departed the moon after a nightlong potlach in which he was given many ceremonial masks and steamed meats that are now on display at the museum's outer peoples room. The next morning, a comethawk carried Tŏdrikh in his claws, back to the orbiting moons of Rahaaral.

Lyai moves without care throughout the United Moons and the moons of Ókólam. But it became a Yama moon in 587 BC after a decade of lobbying by one Mantăr Kăijuhadz.

Kăijuhadz was an elderly Lyalid-Avder wanderer and artifact peddler who'd arrived on Shovashme shortly after Tŏdrikh left on his journey. Monitorish and mitred, Kăijuhadz was nonetheless charismatic. He quickly became Lyai's most famous ambassador-and soon its first count. (A second count was appointed by the people of Lyai, at least according to Kăijuhadz, but this person was never seen.)

The Count Council historians relate that Kăijuhadz accomplished little during his single term. But he gained considerable reknown and wealth publishing exciting and wrote entirely fictive adventure novels about Lyai, the pagans who rode the comethawks, the flesheating fish known as Vachish, and the brave, head-wrapped Rahaarites who killed them all. (Of the 24 published, only_ Sacrifice Ritual of the Dragon-Masters_ remains in print.)

Tŏdrikh tried valiantly to counter this stream of nonsense by writing editorials and by building increasingly detailed dioramas of authentic Lyalid towns and villages out of cardboard. But Kăijuhadz had the ear and eyes of the media, and cardboard was seen as old-fashioned. Tŏdrikh was dismissed in the press as a "dull miser and a likely madman."

In 579 BC, however, Tŏdrikh recieved a visitor: a young man of indeterminate species with green eyes in a morning clock. He told Tŏdrikh they'd met before, although Tŏdrikh didn't remember it. The man opened his cloak, and Tŏdrikh saw that it was lined with freshly killed creatures of various species. From the inside pocket the man drew a letter from Lyai and asked Tŏdrikh to read it aloud in the council of Coutns. Tŏdrikh agreed.

It was only after long petitioning that the great tomektanium doors of the Council of Counts were thrown open for Tŏdrikh. Kăijuhadz awaited him. His influence had grown in the government, and by his order the chamber was now kept dimly lit by embers, full of incense and smoke, with strange meats by the fires. Kăijuhadz had taken to sitting in the High Judge's chair, and from that perch, surrounded by his flatterers, he grinned and watched Tŏdrikh find his way into the dark room like a blind man.

(The Great Seal of Khiskiliwid: art/Comethawk-405372098?ga_submit_new=10%253A1381011411)

The rest we know from the Count Council records: Tŏdrikh opened the letter. It was on paper, written in Martian, Nitarikit, and Avder, under the great seal of the moon, which no one had ever seen before. "'We are the people of Khiskiliwid. We sendeth to the United Moons' Government many greetings,'" Tŏdrikh read in a reportedly hoarse voice, "'and also many apologies.'"

The letter went on to explain that the people of the United Moons had been the victim of an unfortunate deception: they'd been greeted by a malicious exile, one who wasn't duly elected by anyone or anything except his own appetites. "'Kăijuhadz. you call him,'" read Tŏdrikh, "'and he insists that ye shall call him 'master.' But we have our own name for him: Skopotronorokvajok, the monsterous cannibal-beetle. And now it be time to return him.'"

Nobody spoke. The fire crackled, and Tŏdrikh's four eyes were watery and unsure. Finally, reported observers, Kăijuhadz coughed out a dry, croaking laugh. "Krad Lishinaj Tŏdrikh," he said, "we be both Avder and advanc'd people. Orionid people. Surely thou canst be trick'd by the falsehoods and myths of the vermin!"

It was the wrong argument to take with Tŏdrikh. Though he was an Avder, he'd rejected his native planet's growing anti-Kuwainism. Here, after all, was the father of cultural relativism, the great historical particulturalist, who'd never dismiss another's false magic merely to burnish his own.

According to the record, all nervousness dropped from Tŏdrikh like a cloak, and outrage glimmered in his eyes. Now, as had been arranged, Tŏdrikh spoke a few words in another language that weren't recorded as there aren't any letters to make them.

For only the second time in history, and for very different reasons, the Count Council chamber filled with meteors and horrible noise. Great sheets of fire fell from the ceiling and burning away Kăijuhadz's Avder disguise, leaving only an enormous insect, red and ragged-sheathed and choked with fire. In panic, the beetle flew blindly and violently into the walls and corners of the chamber, until it was rescued from itself by the claws of a great dragon. From the gallery while it had hid, a comethawk whom Tŏdrikh now remembered, with the suddenness of a gasp, as the very comethawk who bore him away from the moon, had shed its black morning cloak and emerged from the dark. Its wings stretched from one end of the room to the other, and it flapped them twice, casting wind and fire upon the room as Tŏdrikh looked up at it. The comethawk caught the beetle, now bloodied and slow, in its talons. And despited its great size, the comethawk somehow swept out of the tomektanium doors, taking the former Avder-Count-turned-beetle with it, the prisoner weeping in hate and gratitude.

Lya remains a moon, though it prefers to be called by the name it chose for itself, "Khiskiliwid", which is Mihaadrint for "Comethawk." And it's never sent another lord to the Feudal House. The comethawks do offer a yearly tribute of tomektanium to the Yama government as continued reparation for the shame Kăijuhadz brought upon them. Otherwise the comethawks remain self-governing and remote as always, and they pay no federal taxes. As a result, you can get excellent deals on mail-order cigarettes from them if you can find the secret web site.

Yiwsk Tŏdrikh, meanwhile, enjoyed the restoration of his reputation, though he lamented never visiting Khiskiliwid again.

Its last four observed locations were:

October 15, 2502-Near Savra-jar

June 3, 1944-Near Snar Nahlü

May 2, 1861-Near Inner Qafitz

February 22, 1776-Near the Ókólamite moon of Atutenankh

* * *

**SENUSH**

Nicknames (Martian): _Cchag Zar ë-Panënö-k-Sma'a Khodhra._ ("The World of Land and also Dirt.")

Motto (Thaukaj): _Ra'a-Sen Takxalhséce_ (Ra'a-Sen forever)  
(Note: In Thaukaj, "C" is used to represent a dental click: ex: tut tut)

Notes: An effort to join with Ra'ati'ib in 585 BC to form the Super moon of Ra'a-Sen was foiled after a brief skirmish with the federal government. Ra'ati'ib's Makni (a potatolike tuber) Cannons and Makni-battery-powered flying machines were no match for the Lunar Guard's Blasterstone Shards. Blasterstone shards have been the norm on Senush ever since. Also of note is Worlds of the Sagittarius Galaxy Lunar Monument. These stark lava fields provided tohe backdrop for both the Fake Yamayaza Sagittarian Expedition and the Fake Andromeda landing (576 BC and 571 BC, respectively).

**KANKWAR**

Nicknames (Martian): _Zar-ë Kebtaithenö, Zar-ë Deskanj Avashlaninö_ ("World of Wormholes, World of Deskanj Avashlanins)

Motto (Nitarikit): _Mo'rar Hemadzi, Jarekruk Yotekü, Pïlze Paizmakhakwaa Kalkuyaida Ponon Kebtoithenekt._ ("Lunar Sovreignty, Planetary Unity, Complete Galactic Domination Through Wormholes.")

Notes: Kankwar's complex system of rivers, canals, underground tunnels, and elevated space tethers connects the moon to those of Ókólam, offering the traveller a distinct way to make for the Orionid Cluster. This effect proved so startling at first that many ancient newspapers claimed that an amazing interdimensional portal head been discovered-a vast, though exceedingly slow, "wormhole." The name stuck, but the truth is that Kankwar contains no more wormholes than most average moons. Also note that in literature and the popular imagination, Kankwar's said to be home to the fictional city of "Mijravenga." (See "Four Dubious Fables of Mijravenga" coming up.)

_MIJRAVENGA? YOU ASK. READ ON..._  
_

**FOUR DUBIOUS FABLES OF MIJRAVENGA**

I live in Danville, Maryland, USA, Earth, yet I'm surprised almost every day by the number of people (most of them of the Puliik species, who kinda resemble the prawns from District 9) who wanna talk about Mijravenga all the time.

These people tell me that they once passed near or through Mijravenga, and some claim to be living there, even as we speak. This is strange enough. But what really surprises me is how many of these self-appointed Mijravenga experts seem to believe that Mijravenga actually exists. Not as an idea or as an idea or as an allegory. They really believe that the city stands there, in all its legendary teal-rivered , nuclear-fire-proof glory, and that once every 200 years, when it rises out of the Lalakushir Sea, you can visit it.

Now, I understand why the concept of Mijravenga's so alluring. It's been sung to Rahaarites like a lullaby, by their culture in story and song for nearly as long as there's been a Kankwar.

Most of the novels of the Martian Dolaikh Liskwidh were set in a fictional Mijravenga so vividly realized that it truly did seem real. Who can forget the Martian K'maan's immortal line from Rasmiyul Shantup when instructing that eponymous orphan on the pickpocket's code: "If they go for the sword, you go for the gun. They put thy brother in the hospital, you put their brother in a tomb, for that be the way of Mijravenga."

For many years, the Avder ladies' man Maleng Poudzi presented Mijravenga as his snowy, rainy pleasure dome, before revealing his true location in Näï Sakkalug, on Savra-jar, living in a hyperbolic tube. And most recently the musical Mijravenga was adapted to great acclaim for the screen under the title Uncle Shasi.

Undoubtedly there's something in Rahaarites that needs Mijravenga as an idea: a dream as fanciful as the notion of an elevated train maglev. But when you attempt to bring the maglev to ground, to put it on a map and say this exists. It's not merely insane and kooky, it threatens to make what's magical merely banal.

So perhaps it'd be wise at this point to review what we know about Mijravenga. The fables, of course, are numerous and varied...

1. Depending on whom you believe, Mijravenga first appeared to either Rahaarite soldiers stationed at Yekmal Dyuwanazha (Fort Dyuwanazha), or a Gugwewite Khorakh (a storklike sentient species) skin-trapper named Falib-Selked Sejar-av-S'doditl. It was 727 BC when Av-S'koditl supposedly saw the city rise out of the sea, named it Yúmijrévinkáá, and founded a skin-trading settlement there, right in the shadow of the Ezid Towers.

2. In 607 BC, word spread of a fantastic "Slohadbalite Emergence", to be held in Mijravenga, a glowing jeweled city-within-a city bulit in anticipation of the glorious 6th century BC to come (29th Century according to the Kasu'emite calendar): a carefree future of civic corruption, gang rule, and innovative public housing. Sixty-four million people, a tenth of the population of the Rahaarite moons, left their homes to visit the emergence. They were never heard from again.

Still, the emergence provoked so much heated discussion that the Lolir _Snar Nahlü Creek_ editor Dolaikh Thëdhi legendarily dubbed Mijravenga "Cchag Geb'er-ë Vakaflalh" (Martian for "The City of Humming"). This is, of course, a misremembering of Thëdhi's original wording, which was "Sabdrisladz Mai" (Nitarikit for "Humming Town"). But in fact the Snar Nahlü Creek didn't even start publishing until 497 BC, and one now wonders if Mr. Thëdhi even existed.

3. Then, in 599 BC, it's said that the Mijravenga River actually reversed direction. Some accounts say that this was followed by a hailstorm of snakes and that the river turned yellow in honor of Kaahu Ewachlaavig. In any case, I say: creepy and unreal.  
(Which, by the way, will be the title of my new reality TV program about Sentient Oddities and unusual stunts, each week, featuring clips of me having dinner with a man sporting a beard of bees: _Creepy and Unreal_.)

4. The Avder-Rahaarite poet and explorer Tlaikh Fadalgavd asserted in his poem "Mijravenga" that the city was populated by half-naked, sharp-toothed, magnetic weevil-men who had enormous shoulders. At first it was believed that Fadalgavd was merely a Kandrim dope fiend. Later, it would be learned that he was in fact speaking of Nohidi. Also he didn't exist either.

Time and again, the Mijravenga's real theory simply doesn't stand up to scrutiny. There are no man-eating plants on the wall of Semdriyeti Stadium. No Dza Na'vonma. No Faleb Tadid Kahal. These are stories invented to frighten children.

This is not to say that there aren't _Mijravengites_. But I'd suggest that they're a nomadic people, whose lost home exists only in their minds, and in the glowing crystal memory cells they all carry in the palms of their hands: a great idea of a second city, lit with life and love. Reasonable drink prices at cool bars, and, of course, blocks and blocks of bright and devastating nuclear fire.

* * *

**SNAYULEB-JAR**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Jarehalek Geb'er Ki Bezniwel Khamnadag Mo'rar_ ("The Unified City and County Government Moon")

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Ela-Mundzi Yotislila!_ ("Up-Good Yotislila!.")

Notes: In 529 BC, faced with the difficulty of governing a growing Snayuleblarib metro area incorporating many distinct townships, an experiment in fused city/county government was launched called Yotislila (Unigov). The Yotislila Civilian Council seamlessly organized the combined civic services of the region and streamlined resource management and foodcake distribution. Local mayors were invited to become special ministers of Yotislila called "Kasmukin", those who agreed got to wear beige rides. Those who refused were allowed to live in peace on the moon of Torzi-or so reported the mimeographed _Yotislila Memo_, which replaced all news websites. In reality, those who refused were sent to the Snayuleb-jar deserts to die. But true political power in Cchag Moslasazing (Martian for "The Shortcut"), as Snayuleblarib was rechristened, rested in Gyavislila, the elite clique of tattoed, muscular academics that rose to power in 521 BC. Unlike their beige-robed underlings, the Gyavislila were orange robes with tassels. Flexing their well-developed triceps and performing feats of telekinesis on television, they declared themselves "the final step in the evolution and the perfect expression of eons of municipal government." While the 34 members of Gyavislila were brilliant and extremely attractive, they were unable, finally, to subject their egos to Kashilemarsi (Martian for "Single View"), and ended up murdering one another in their Mausoleum Circle Biosphere.

**ZHIWAM**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Qoptin Mo'rar_ ("The Qoptin Moon")

Motto (Tauttiyi): _Kol Barakl Vebithl_ ("Here We Stop")

Notes: The fertile Zhiwamite steppes attracted diverse settlers through the 7th century BC, probably due to the aforementioned fertility and Zhiwam's traditionally lax regulation of the home appliance industry (please see the Disenle Farm Section of "Utopias"). One such group were my species, the Tauttiyi. In 599 BC, Chieftain Thilyer-Gloktighi Hadäukaryën Dolaikh Laiyashir founded the Planetary Tauttiyi Convention, which met anually in Byazärul, on Zhiwam, each August (Gyavmal). As to why Zhiwam would tolerate Tauttiyi in such great numbers, we may speculate that my people paid off the local government in grass/gold goods and clay-baked meat and bread and beer. More of a mystery is why the Tauttiyi had came to stop moving altogether in the first place. In 510 BC, a Nitarikit _Azt Dohokr Catalog_ (pronounced Azh Dohokh) reported may've solved the mystery. Examining the long-abandoned convention grounds, he discovered that it was, in fact, nothing but a tarp covered up with stolen scrap metal and wood. Beneath it a great cavern had been dug. It was clearly the work of hundreds of Tauttiyi hands, laboring over many Tauttiyi years. Like all my species' works, the caverns are deranged, full of dead ends, superfluous cut backs, and branches that twist and spiral back on themselves. Most speculate that the "Tauttiyi Tunnel" as it's now called, was either an attempt to burrow through Zhiwam itself, or was rather a dirt mine from which the Tauttiyi drew fuel for their caravan ships. (Please see "Brief Lives of Some Notable Tauttiyi".)

**TIKMA**

Nicknames (Martian): _Cchag Maizh, Mëzizrra ji Fin_ ("The Center, Gateway to Fin")

Motto (Thaukaj):_ Gikh Kasël Bpoiyeg Pothikalip_ ("To The Stars, Via Pothikalip")

Notes: The celestial center of Rahaaral's historically located in Thaalnazhag, on Tikma. It's said that all armies will bow before the one who controls it. When the Martian Taz No'ez attempted to seize Cchag Maizh as part of his 503 BC bid to become Yama Archduke and Rahaarite viceroy, the Cchag Maizh's immense power withered his arm and his reason, nearly destroying him. He was saved only by the miracle drug Leshoged (a Viagra-like drug). Still coveted by both Yama political factions, Cchag Maizh's now held in a secret location, somewhere on Tikma, protected by cyclones.

**TORZI**

Nickname (Martian): _Zar-ë Insin Sambigö_ ("World of Sad Trees")

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Ifyusladz Matit ardulaap Itwasdanit Dyutaim Temti Iwaz_ ("Fighting never proved anything, except who's better.)

Notes: Lamlan (an alcoholic beverage), that great Quaff of Torzi, was originally considered fit only for feeding to Onils (essentially reptilian horses), and indeed when it was consumed straight out of the Lamlan mines it was unpalatable to most non-pseudoequuines what we now call the "Thääd Itzal" descends from the "Siyar Itzal" a combination of Onil Lamlan, Thääd mint, the native bioluminescent greenweed, Känder, and fizh seed-that was feed to racing Haizh as a pep tonic well before the first Torzi races. It was not until the Nitarikit alchemist Lejei Ötëm perfected his aging process callowing the raw spirit to rest for three or more years in a new charred red wood barrel that contained the body of a Torzi colonel, that the fine, complex, colonel-y liquor that sentients enjoy today was first poured.

(Only the Lamlan Cask on the Left Contains the Body of a real Torzi Colonel: images/search?q=two+oil+barrels&go=&qs=n&form=QBIR&pq=two+oil+barrels&sc=0-11&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&id=DF9E2EC302CB5D8181825CD2F37FEAC12CE6710C&selectedI ndex=28)

**LAVIJ-JAR**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Yemnalot Mo'rar, Cchag Mo'rar-ë Ondüshamvima_ ("The Yemnalat Moon, The Moon of Intoxication")

Motto (Martian/Nitarikit): _Kai!_ ("Kai!")

Notes: Snar Mushtesk (Moosh-tesh) was the first city to offer indoor borole' (an absinthe-like drink) faucets, and indeed has always played a cosmopolitan and livertine Tamlashi music beneath Rahaaral's generally dull Fadü march of rurar piety. Outrage rightly grew over the series of "wild women" picture books that was produced in the "Mlai Gadren" (Martian for "High Joy") in the 650s BC, but there was little that could be done to stop their circulation. For while the moon had been purchased by the Yama as part of the Lavij-jar Exchange of 697 BC, the city itself was, for obscure reasons, placed in escrow, where it remains today, technically under the jurisdiction of Zhevratlal. This peculiar legal status makes the city a haven for Kantagga (Vampire-like creatures), card game enthusiasts, and sub-sea level drinkers of all ages.

**LAVIJ-JAR**

Nicknames (Martian):_ Launaasvimazar (we Kwatlaklama)_, _Cchag Vendonle Kazin Mo'rar_ ("Vacationworld (for Kwatlaklama), The Crusty Spacer Moon")

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Lindünyui wi Wisam!_ (Remember the Wisam!)

Notes: "The Pegdesht of the Interior", Wisam's been a have for lovers of sharp, rocky beaches and painful oceans since nearly its inception in 877 BC, when it was called "Launaasvimazar" (Martian for "Vacationworld"). Originally part of Kwatlaklama, it was kept secret from the rest of the moons by the great Yarme familes, who wished no intrusion on the vast private retreats and Paudha (Mooselike animals) experimentation stations they'd constructed there. They were finally forced to reveal Wisam to the young Gas Giant in 679 BC, when a new free moon was required to balance the admittance of pro-serfdom Kagodo-the so-called Kagodo Compromise. Wisam residents were informed of their moonhood in 559 BC.

**TANGENZAR**

Nickname (Martian): _Cchag Jamed-Dreza-Wenahuj-Pailö Mo'rar_ (The Peace-Through-Invisible-Lines Moon)

Motto (Nitarikit):_ Rikitëdi Thontë, Rikitidi Belyoshitë_ (Manly Deeds, Womanly Hands)

Notes: The Toldaam-Skigel ring was surveyed and drawn in 736-732 BC, ostensibly to establish the Rahaarite ring separating Shul'hama-jar's orbit from those of Tangenzar. While the ring did put a final end to the blood Shul-Skamman (Shah-man) Wars, the true aim of the Lolir Dolaikh Toldaam and the Martian Arjimar Skigel was to map the powerful, preexisting "Ley Ring" resonating with celestial energy that naturally divided the moons' orbits and could be montitored by the Byazarese government. Toldaam and Skigel grew tired and cranky, however, and ceased after about 488,000 Astronomical Miles. Yet they left along their path many "keystone" markers that still occasionally hum with powerful shamanic magic and still keep watch. It's said that if you whisper the right words to the rocks that form the ring, they'll tell you the names of every soul who's crossed the rings. This'll take the rest of your life.

**KWATLAKLAMA**

Nicknames (Martian):_ Cchag Chozha Saikkanë Lazrimehe, Cchag Ulug Maiz_ ("The Old Inlet Colony", "The Fleet Center")

Motto (Thaukaj): _Qidïd Zhokhai' Auki Dhaa Vikkan Wyalokh_ ("By the blades we seek peace, but peace only under freedom, and freedom only under righteousness, and righteousness only under victory, and then only as a last resort, when all other options have come to nought.")

Notes: Established in 879 BC by liberals, Kwatlaklama isn't actually a moon but one of four "Drahlanegyadivs" or "Commonwealths," the others being Torzi, Benedz-jar, and Shul'hama-jar. Yama currency's not accepted in these places, so the tourist should change his or her money for Doribö (a scalloplike creature) (pronounced, in the local Yame Lolir accent, "Duh-reh-byüh"), meats, and "Ladisyabi" (which are also, curiously, scalloplike creatures), respectively. Though the historic city of Yarme (pronounced "Holsyop") winds a painted blue like called the "Freedom Line" that leads visitors past historic sights such as Oloj Michisid's home, Wót'lakki Alley, the site of the Yarme Massacre, the preserved corpse of the Dij Qohom Thatho'adh, the Ayi bar, and the Star Portal to Hkoutayadik. It was amusing to have Kwatlaklama as part of the Yama, but now, of course, like so many inner moons, as no loger qualifies as Rahaaral.

**TEMPRAZNYE**

Nicknames (Martian):_ Zar-ë Thaasëshädgilh Potrebatilö, Cchag Aghod Krun._ ("Land of 2,000 Peninsulas", "The Aghod Zone")

Motto (Nitarikit): _Pol Beke Samping Med Vat Potrebatli Ye Ti Mat Balzallaap Minle Pegdesht 'ei Skodh Hayam, Sambir Shaksi beke: Beke Pre tu Wish Tempraznye._ ("If You Seek a Nice Peninsula and aren't satisfied with Pegdesht or Skodh Hayam, Look Around You: You May be on Tempraznye.")

Notes: Most of this moon's many peninsulas were purposefully destroyed in the 510s BC to create the recongnizable "many moon-shaped thingies" shapes in order to court tourists and Kyolvad (a wolverine-like beast), the lunar creature. Much to Temprazye's embarrasment, there are actually very few Kyolvad on the moon. They once were used to power the great automotive robotic assembly lines of Khaizka and to fight the giant bugs in that city's subterranean salt mines. Perhaps to to all this strenuous activity, most of the Kyolvad died off or relocated to Ókólam's moons. The last one was spotted in 505 BC. It was driving an offworld vehicle.

* * *

Next Chapter: The 51 Moons of Rahaaral Part 3

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